Commercials We Wish Would Go Away

It's the new year folks. It's almost time for the Superbowl which means two things: football and coporate whoreishness. Now that it's almost time for all those Superbowl commercials, I think it time for some other commercials to throw in the towel. Here are my suggestions:

#5 Whopper Jr.
You gotta admit, Burger King comes up with some pretty original ad campaigns. Most recently we've had the Whopper Virgins (which sounds like a bad porno name to me) and the Angry Onion commercials. But they need to seriously retire the angsty Whopper Jr. bit. It got old really fast. Hey Whopper Jr., remember that whole "I wish I'd never been broiled!" bit...well we wish that too.

#4 Geico Cavemen
C'mon you guys...you made a doomed sitcom out of your commercials...isn't that enough? After said sitcom died, why did you have to go back to making those god-awful commercials? Shouldn't that have told you something? Something like, "The caveman's dead. Stick with the CG gecko." Hmm? I dunno, whatever keeps those dudes working.


#3 Cash For Gold
"I had no idea that my gold jewelry was worth so much money!" Is that so? Then maybe you shouldn't be trusting some quick-cash mail-in scam, dip-stick. The utter stupidity of the people that they get to "testify" in the commercials is staggering to me.

#2 The Snuggie
Ugh...how it pains me to even type the word Snuggie. It's basically just a backless hospital gown/blanket combination. It's like someone stole a Jedi's robe and scissored it up the back. But really, who's that much of a lazy bastard that they just won't put on a hoodie or something? The quote about having to free up your arms and get them cold with a blanket, really? It's not like you're living in the Antarctic and if you have to use your arms outside of the blanket they're gonna freeze off. And the worst about these commercials is they actually show people wearing these hideous contraptions in public. No one, I repeat, no one in their right mind would wear a Snuggie out of their house. In fact, don't wear one period-- Snuggies steal your soul.

#1 Any and All Erectile Dysfunction Medication Commercials
WE GET IT! Your penis doesn't work! Stop telling us about it by hiring some guy called Smilin' Bob to hawk your product for you! Or by massacring a classic Elvis song like "Viva Las Vegas" to say "Viva Viagra!" We don't wanna know Levitra that you can last up to 48 hours! Ew! And I'm sorry, but if you have a boner that lasts more than four hours, you shouldn't call a doctor, you should call a brothel cause buddy you're in for a great time. But just don't tell us about it. This goes for herpes treatment commercials and for any period-related media as well. Do your advertising via magazines and internet-- not the television that the whole family watches.