It's Official: I Hate Fox

As you can tell from the title of this post, I hate 20th Century Fox.

Just like any other distributor, they've put out their classics, such as Tora! Tora! Tora! and When Harry Met Sally. They've also put out their share of cult and nerd films, the greatest of which being the fantastic Star Wars series. And, they've had their bombs and stinkers, like Elektra and Guess Who?

But one ability that Fox has that no other distributor does, is the ability to take a great story or franchise and completely corrupt and rape it into an unrecognizable hunk of cinema drivel. Don't believe me? Take for example the upcoming Dragonball film. It was once a cult-favorite cartoon, beloved by us nerds everywhere. But once Fox got it in their claw-like hands they shaped it into a candy-pop, ADD-fueled, money-grubbing whore-fest-- or at least that's how it looks from the trailers.

Now they've got their grubby paws on one of my favorite comic-book planned adaptations: Watchmen. For the past six months, Fox has been battling it out with Warner Brothers studios for the release rights to Watchmen. See, several years ago, Terry Gilliam and Fox owned the rights to the Watchmen film while Warner Brothers was partnered to DC Comics. Gilliam's version of Watchmen strayed in production hell for years and eventually fell through. Due to a lack of communication between the two studios, Warner ended up picking up the film as the distributor and continued production. Because Warner is partnered to DC, the studio just assumed that they had the rights to make the film.

Well, you know what they say-- to ASSUME is to make an ASS out of U and ME.

Nine grueling months of Zack Snyder and Company's hard work and millions of dollars later, Fox announced that they actually owned the distribution rights and that they wanted to go to court.

And to court they went. For months, the two studios battled it out over the distribution rights. Fox announced that if they were granted the rights, that they intended on shelving the film. Needless to say, this did not please the nerd community. They-- or I should say, we-- declared that we would boycott 2009 Fox films, such as Dragonball, X-Men Origins: Wolverine, and Streetfighter: the Legend of Chun-Li. After hearing this threat, Fox realized how serious us nerds are about our comic-book adaptations and decided that they would not shelve the product, but instead would push back the release date.

We could settle for that. But that was only if they actually got the release rights.

Now, fast forward to last week. It was announced that the judge ruled in favor of Fox and permitted them the release rights to Watchmen-- every Watchmen fan died a little on the inside. Upon this announcement, Fox proclaimed that they would be pushing back the release date until they could finish editing the film to their satisfaction. Then, every Watchmen fan's head exploded in rage.

For those of you who aren't aware, Fox has a nasty history of changing up comic adaptations. They don't stay true to the original, they manipulate characters beyond recognition, and instead of sticking true to the story, they end up vying for a "feel good" ending. This means that, more than likely, they will decided to edit or completely rewrite the end of the legendary Watchmen comic in order to satisfy the sheep-like masses.

What just frustrates me is that Zack Snyder worked his ass off to make this film amazing and right at the end, they snatch it away from him in order to corrupt it into something terrible. It's like taking candy from a baby and then using the candy to choke a kid with down-syndrome and then using the kid's body to crush some innocent kittens. It's just horrible.

So there's my rant for the day. I hate Fox. Hate. Them. My hate for Fox, actually exceeds my hate for Hannah Montana right now. And that's a white-hot hate all it's own. The only, the only way this could be worse was if they recast the characters in the last few scenes with the cast of High School Musical and then allow the Jonas Brothers to direct. That is the only way this situation could get worse.

Or maybe I'm overreacting. Maybe Fox won't do such a bad job. I'll say my prayers at night that they won't. That's all we can do...watch, wait, and pray.

Review: "Australia"

For starters, I'm gonna say that Ebert and Roeper can go suck it. If you guys didn't like this film, then that's your problem-- ya'll missed out.

This film is a cinematic piece of artwork-- it is a visual orgasm (if you'll pardon the expression.) Every camera angle, every piece of clothing, every character, every color is precise and perfect. Baz Luhrman has, once again, been able to take the bleary and plain canvas of the Australian Outback and managed to splash his masterpiece upon it.

The story tells of Lady Sarah Ashley (played by the unusually droll Nicole Kidman, but more on that later) who moves to her husband's cattle ranch, Faraway Downs, in Darwin, Australia. She plans on taking over the place from her incompetent husband, selling it, and bringing her husband back to "civilized" England. Upon her arrival, she is greeted by the gritty and mysterious Drover (the wonderful and sexy Hugh Jackman), who takes her to her ranch. They find that Lord Ashley has been murdered by someone-- supposedly the Aboriginal magic man, King George. With some persuasion by the half-caste Aboriginal child Nullah (played by my new favorite rising star Brandon Walters) Lady Ashley decides to stay and run Faraway Downs herself. With the help of Nullah, Drover, and others from the ranch, the fine English lady becomes a hard-boiled Outback girl-- and of course (since this is Baz Luhrman we're talking about) falls promptly in love with Drover.

First, let's talk about the actors. Unfortunately, for some reason, Nicole Kidman is boring in this film. She just seems to coast throughout the film, not really popping on-screen like she normally does. It's almost as if she's saying "Oh, I'm Australian and I'm in a movie about Australia-- I'm good, I don't really need to try." Frankly, I was disappointed in her performance.

Now, on to Hugh Jackman. Mr. Wolverine-- contrary to his leading lady-- was at the top of his game. He performed like a trooper-- embracing his Australian-ness and playing the character of Drover like an Outback Clint Eastwood. Also, just for the ladies (and, some guys out there) he is physically the best he's ever been. I'm talking, hairy chests, muscles, and six-packs for days! Mmmm....I'd love to get ahold of him in the Outback--- ahem....sorry....excuse me....

But the real story is with newcomer Brandon Walters, who plays the half-white, half-Aboriginal child Nullah. The boy is, quite simply, amazing. At twelve years old, the boy manages to keep up with and even outshine some of the veteran actors he shares the screen with. I hope to see him in future productions.

Other, minor characters, manage to steal scenes as well. David Wenham (who normally plays benign characters such as Friar Carl in Van Helsing) does fantastically as the evil villain Fletcher. He's sadistic and conniving in a way that still makes him human.

So all in all, I give this movie my stamp of approval. Girls, it's a love story worth seeing-- so go drag your boyfriends to the cinema for this one!

An Apology

So, I'm gonna just say I apologize for not updating in awhile. I don't have Internet at my house currently, and so I haven't been able to post. So, again I apologize to my few readers. Sorry guys!

Five Indies I'm Stoked To See

#5 The Wrestler
Plot: Former pro-wrestler, Randy "The Ram" Robinson (Mickey Rourke) struggles through old age, broken hearts, and broken families to try and get back on top of the world.
Why I'm Stoked: Mickey Rourke is a very under-appreciated and talented actor, so I am so happy to see him back at the top of his game. Already, he's been nominated for a Golden Globe and rumour is that an Oscar nom is next on the list. Plus, from the trailer, this movie seems like one of those "feel-good-but-not-in-a-cheesy-way" films. It looks like one of those movies that can make grown men cry (although they'll just blame it on "allergies.")

#4 Gran Torino
Plot: Korean war veteran, Walt Kowalski is dead set on reforming his collapsing neighborhood after a punk teenage tries to steal his prized 1972 Gran Torino.
Why I'm Stoked: It's Clint Eastwood's last film as an actor. He announced awhile back that, at 78, he's too old to be an actor and that he will continue to focus on being a director. So, I'm hoping that Mr. Eastwood will go out with a bang.

#3 The Boy In the Striped Pyjamas
Plot: Bruno, the eight year old son of a Nazi commandant, makes friends with a young Jewish boy who is imprisoned in his father's concentration camp. With their forbidden friendship grows a realization that what they hold dear may be taken away from them by the harsh misconceived ideals of Nazi Germany.
Why I'm Stoked: I love WWII films, but this indie seems truly unique. The film is told through the innocent eyes of an eight year old boy--something we've never seen before. It should be interesting to see how the child concieves the idea of the concentration camp.

#2 Slumdog Millionare
Plot: A young Indian man wants to compete in the Indian version of "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" in order to win the love of his life, Latika.
Why I'm Stoked: This film is directed by one of my favorites, Danny Boyle, the mastermind behind Trainspotting and 28 Days Later. Also, it is currently contending for a best-picture Golden Globe. All in all, sounds like a good film.

#1 The Matador
Plot: This documentary follows the journey of David Fandila who wishes to become the world's top matador.
Why I'm Stoked: C'mon, how often do we get to see a movie about a dude that teases a bull for a living? Looks pretty cool to me. Plus, with documentaries you get to see real people, real situations, and real emotions. That's a nice break from the illusion of film.

New "Wolverine" Trailer Leaked Online

A new trailer for the 2009 film, X-Men Origins: Wolverine leaked online a few days ago. It's in the typical bootleg format, but from what you can see it looks amazing. The footage shows us characters such as Stryker, Wraith, Gambit, Emma Frost, and Sabretooth. Check it out here:

http://www.worstpreviews.com/trailer.php?id=143&item=1

Five Great Actors In Five Bad Films

#1 Ray Liotta in In The Name of The King: Dungeon Seige
It's a Uwe Boll film. It's a UWE BOLL film. It's. A. Uwe. Boll. Film. As soon as Liotta saw that, he should've bailed as quick as he could have. How he went from Goodfellas to that, I'll never know.

# 2 Ben Kingsley in BloodRayne
Once again, UWE EFFIN' BOLL manages to suck the life out of another great actor's career. Why Ben Kingsley? You worked with Sir Richard Attenborough, so why in the name of all that is holy would you want to work with the likes of Uwe Boll?

# 3 Elizabeth Taylor in The Flinstones
I think Liz made this film when she first started to go crazy and hang around Liza Minelli and Michael Jackson. Unfortunatley, John Goodman, Elizabeth Perkins, Rosie O'Donnell, Kyle McLaughlin and Halle Berry don't have that excuse. God, how could so many good people screw up so badly?

#4 Robert de Niro in Mary Shelley's Frankenstein
If you have ever seen this movie, I'm so sorry. If you haven't, consider yourself lucky. Robert de Niro plays Frankenstein's monster. I'll repeat that: Frankenstein's monster. Can you picture that? An Italian, reanimated corpse, lumbering through the English countryside with Kenneth Branagh on his heels. It would be funny junk if it weren't so sad.

#5 Anthony Hopkins in Alexander
Ah, Alexander...how you managed to turn so many respectable actors (and rock stars in Jared Leto's case) into money-seeking, blockbuster whores is unfathomable to me. I mean, just look what it did to Anthony Hopkins and Val Kilmer...poor guys.

My Imaginary Interview With James Lipton

You ever watch that show "Inside the Actor's Studio" with James Lipton? Y'know, it's the one where that guy with the really slow, even, cool voice asks celebrities what their favorite curse word is along with other stuff about their movie history? Yeah, that one. Personally, I LOVE that show. Anyway, the other day I was so ridiculously bored in my dorm and I was attempting to procrastinate studying for finals so I flipped the TV onto Bravo and started watching a marathon of "Inside the Actor's Studio." Well, somewhere in between Robert Downey Jr. and Dave Chappelle but before Daniel Radcliffe, I began to wonder-- I wonder how I would answer those ten Bernared Pivot questions?

Well, I sat down and here were my answers:

Q. What is your favorite word?

A. Bespectacled. Or any word with the prefix "be-" and then an adjective.

Q. What is your least favorite word?

A. Failure.

Q. What sound or noise do you love?

A. The sound of burning cigarette paper when you inhale deeply.

Q. What sound or noise do you hate?

A. The sound of a Sharpie on paper. Makes me wanna tear my ears off.

Q. What turns you on creatively, emotionally, or spiritually?

A. The sound of genuine laughter. Because there's nothing else that says "I accept you, I love you." more than that.

Q. What turns you off creatively, emotionally, or spiritually?

A. Cynicism.

Q. What is your favorite curse word?

A. It's actually a tie between "Oh, f*** me running!" and "c*nt." (Sorry, decided to censor myself a bit. But I wasn't gonna lie about that!)

Q. What profession, other than your own, would you like to attempt?

A. National Geographic journalist.

Q. What profession would you not like to do?

A. Child psychologist. Because weird kids just freak me right out.

Q. Finally, if Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates?

A. "Hey there kiddo, you finally made it. You gave us all a good laugh up here."

So there you go. My bit of boredom for the day. Just to prompt a little commenting (I'd like to know if I'm actually getting some readers out there) what would be your answers to some of these questions?

Kirk Lazarus for Best Supporting Actor

Oscar season is almost here, kiddies! And you know what that means-- "For Your Consideration" Ads. For those of you who aren't familiar with the Oscar nomination process, it's simple. A studio must take out "For Your Consideration" ads for whatever actor, film, whatever they want to be nominated for an Acadamy Award. Then, only after the ads are reviewed are the actual films reviewed. Finally, nominations are decided and announced.

Recently, DreamWorks pictures released two "For Your Consideration" ads promoting fake actor Kirk Lazarus (Robert Downey Jr.) for Best Supporting Actor. And they are effin' hilarious.

Here's the link to watch the 30 second ads:
http://www.worstpreviews.com/headline.php?id=11184&count=0

This is all pretty funny considering that rumor is that Robert Downey Jr. is going to recieve an Oscar nom for his role as Kirk Lazarus as Lincoln Osiris in Tropic Thunder. Confusing, huh?

Stupidest. Junk. Ever.

There's...I mean...I just...there's no way to even begin this post. Just...it's official...the world has lost it's ever-loving mind...

Just follow the link and you'll see what I'm talking about:
http://www.worstpreviews.com/headline.php?id=11199&count=0

New Director Announced For "Twilight" Series

Guys? Get ready to laugh. Get ready. To laugh.

Okay, so Catherine Hardwick the director of the first installment of the new, highly-overrated Twilight franchise was recently not asked to come back for the three sequels. Well, it was announced yesterday that Chris Weitz, the man behind classics such as American Pie and The Golden Compass has been offered to direct the next two Twilight films.

I'll repeat that:

The guy...that made...American Pie...is going to direct...the ultimate chick flick.

HOW BRILLIANTLY HILARIOUS IS THAT?!

Man, I thought that Catherine Hardwick was crap, but CHRIS WEITZ? REALLY? Oh man, maybe those producers should've went easier on you Twilight-ers and just given you Brett Ratner. Honestly, this is just going to crush your lovely franchise. (Much to my enjoyment.)

So, with Weitz at the wheel, what's gonna be next in store for the characters, hmm? Is precious Edward going to have sex with an apple pie, maybe? Or Bella stick a flute up her hoo-hoo? Or is Jacob Black gonna drink pale ale with a little something-something mixed in?

Y'know, this--this-- is the best Christmas gift a girl like me could ever get. Thank you Baby Jesus. And thank you retarded Hollywood producers for making this the best Christmas ever.