Monday, December 29, 2008

Review: "Australia"


For starters, I'm gonna say that Ebert and Roeper can go suck it. If you guys didn't like this film, then that's your problem-- ya'll missed out.

This film is a cinematic piece of artwork-- it is a visual orgasm (if you'll pardon the expression.) Every camera angle, every piece of clothing, every character, every color is precise and perfect. Baz Luhrman has, once again, been able to take the bleary and plain canvas of the Australian Outback and managed to splash his masterpiece upon it.

The story tells of Lady Sarah Ashley (played by the unusually droll Nicole Kidman, but more on that later) who moves to her husband's cattle ranch, Faraway Downs, in Darwin, Australia. She plans on taking over the place from her incompetent husband, selling it, and bringing her husband back to "civilized" England. Upon her arrival, she is greeted by the gritty and mysterious Drover (the wonderful and sexy Hugh Jackman), who takes her to her ranch. They find that Lord Ashley has been murdered by someone-- supposedly the Aboriginal magic man, King George. With some persuasion by the half-caste Aboriginal child Nullah (played by my new favorite rising star Brandon Walters) Lady Ashley decides to stay and run Faraway Downs herself. With the help of Nullah, Drover, and others from the ranch, the fine English lady becomes a hard-boiled Outback girl-- and of course (since this is Baz Luhrman we're talking about) falls promptly in love with Drover.

First, let's talk about the actors. Unfortunately, for some reason, Nicole Kidman is boring in this film. She just seems to coast throughout the film, not really popping on-screen like she normally does. It's almost as if she's saying "Oh, I'm Australian and I'm in a movie about Australia-- I'm good, I don't really need to try." Frankly, I was disappointed in her performance.

Now, on to Hugh Jackman. Mr. Wolverine-- contrary to his leading lady-- was at the top of his game. He performed like a trooper-- embracing his Australian-ness and playing the character of Drover like an Outback Clint Eastwood. Also, just for the ladies (and, some guys out there) he is physically the best he's ever been. I'm talking, hairy chests, muscles, and six-packs for days! Mmmm....I'd love to get ahold of him in the Outback--- ahem....sorry....excuse me....

But the real story is with newcomer Brandon Walters, who plays the half-white, half-Aboriginal child Nullah. The boy is, quite simply, amazing. At twelve years old, the boy manages to keep up with and even outshine some of the veteran actors he shares the screen with. I hope to see him in future productions.

Other, minor characters, manage to steal scenes as well. David Wenham (who normally plays benign characters such as Friar Carl in Van Helsing) does fantastically as the evil villain Fletcher. He's sadistic and conniving in a way that still makes him human.

So all in all, I give this movie my stamp of approval. Girls, it's a love story worth seeing-- so go drag your boyfriends to the cinema for this one!

An Apology

So, I'm gonna just say I apologize for not updating in awhile. I don't have Internet at my house currently, and so I haven't been able to post. So, again I apologize to my few readers. Sorry guys!

Sunday, December 14, 2008

Five Indies I'm Stoked To See

#5 The Wrestler
Plot: Former pro-wrestler, Randy "The Ram" Robinson (Mickey Rourke) struggles through old age, broken hearts, and broken families to try and get back on top of the world.
Why I'm Stoked: Mickey Rourke is a very under-appreciated and talented actor, so I am so happy to see him back at the top of his game. Already, he's been nominated for a Golden Globe and rumour is that an Oscar nom is next on the list. Plus, from the trailer, this movie seems like one of those "feel-good-but-not-in-a-cheesy-way" films. It looks like one of those movies that can make grown men cry (although they'll just blame it on "allergies.")

#4 Gran Torino
Plot: Korean war veteran, Walt Kowalski is dead set on reforming his collapsing neighborhood after a punk teenage tries to steal his prized 1972 Gran Torino.
Why I'm Stoked: It's Clint Eastwood's last film as an actor. He announced awhile back that, at 78, he's too old to be an actor and that he will continue to focus on being a director. So, I'm hoping that Mr. Eastwood will go out with a bang.

#3 The Boy In the Striped Pyjamas
Plot: Bruno, the eight year old son of a Nazi commandant, makes friends with a young Jewish boy who is imprisoned in his father's concentration camp. With their forbidden friendship grows a realization that what they hold dear may be taken away from them by the harsh misconceived ideals of Nazi Germany.
Why I'm Stoked: I love WWII films, but this indie seems truly unique. The film is told through the innocent eyes of an eight year old boy--something we've never seen before. It should be interesting to see how the child concieves the idea of the concentration camp.

#2 Slumdog Millionare
Plot: A young Indian man wants to compete in the Indian version of "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" in order to win the love of his life, Latika.
Why I'm Stoked: This film is directed by one of my favorites, Danny Boyle, the mastermind behind Trainspotting and 28 Days Later. Also, it is currently contending for a best-picture Golden Globe. All in all, sounds like a good film.

#1 The Matador
Plot: This documentary follows the journey of David Fandila who wishes to become the world's top matador.
Why I'm Stoked: C'mon, how often do we get to see a movie about a dude that teases a bull for a living? Looks pretty cool to me. Plus, with documentaries you get to see real people, real situations, and real emotions. That's a nice break from the illusion of film.

New "Wolverine" Trailer Leaked Online

A new trailer for the 2009 film, X-Men Origins: Wolverine leaked online a few days ago. It's in the typical bootleg format, but from what you can see it looks amazing. The footage shows us characters such as Stryker, Wraith, Gambit, Emma Frost, and Sabretooth. Check it out here:

http://www.worstpreviews.com/trailer.php?id=143&item=1

Five Great Actors In Five Bad Films

#1 Ray Liotta in In The Name of The King: Dungeon Seige
It's a Uwe Boll film. It's a UWE BOLL film. It's. A. Uwe. Boll. Film. As soon as Liotta saw that, he should've bailed as quick as he could have. How he went from Goodfellas to that, I'll never know.

# 2 Ben Kingsley in BloodRayne
Once again, UWE EFFIN' BOLL manages to suck the life out of another great actor's career. Why Ben Kingsley? You worked with Sir Richard Attenborough, so why in the name of all that is holy would you want to work with the likes of Uwe Boll?

# 3 Elizabeth Taylor in The Flinstones
I think Liz made this film when she first started to go crazy and hang around Liza Minelli and Michael Jackson. Unfortunatley, John Goodman, Elizabeth Perkins, Rosie O'Donnell, Kyle McLaughlin and Halle Berry don't have that excuse. God, how could so many good people screw up so badly?

#4 Robert de Niro in Mary Shelley's Frankenstein
If you have ever seen this movie, I'm so sorry. If you haven't, consider yourself lucky. Robert de Niro plays Frankenstein's monster. I'll repeat that: Frankenstein's monster. Can you picture that? An Italian, reanimated corpse, lumbering through the English countryside with Kenneth Branagh on his heels. It would be funny junk if it weren't so sad.

#5 Anthony Hopkins in Alexander
Ah, Alexander...how you managed to turn so many respectable actors (and rock stars in Jared Leto's case) into money-seeking, blockbuster whores is unfathomable to me. I mean, just look what it did to Anthony Hopkins and Val Kilmer...poor guys.

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

My Imaginary Interview With James Lipton

You ever watch that show "Inside the Actor's Studio" with James Lipton? Y'know, it's the one where that guy with the really slow, even, cool voice asks celebrities what their favorite curse word is along with other stuff about their movie history? Yeah, that one. Personally, I LOVE that show. Anyway, the other day I was so ridiculously bored in my dorm and I was attempting to procrastinate studying for finals so I flipped the TV onto Bravo and started watching a marathon of "Inside the Actor's Studio." Well, somewhere in between Robert Downey Jr. and Dave Chappelle but before Daniel Radcliffe, I began to wonder-- I wonder how I would answer those ten Bernared Pivot questions?

Well, I sat down and here were my answers:

Q. What is your favorite word?
A. Bespectacled. Or any word with the prefix "be-" and then an adjective.

Q. What is your least favorite word?
A. Failure.

Q. What sound or noise do you love?
A. The sound of burning cigarette paper when you inhale deeply.

Q. What sound or noise do you hate?
A. The sound of a Sharpie on paper. Makes me wanna tear my ears off.

Q. What turns you on creatively, emotionally, or spiritually?
A. The sound of genuine laughter. Because there's nothing else that says "I accept you, I love you." more than that.

Q. What turns you off creatively, emotionally, or spiritually?
A. Cynicism.

Q. What is your favorite curse word?
A. It's actually a tie between "Oh, f*** me running!" and "c*nt." (Sorry, decided to censor myself a bit. But I wasn't gonna lie about that!)

Q. What profession, other than your own, would you like to attempt?
A. National Geographic journalist.

Q. What profession would you not like to do?
A. Child psychologist. Because weird kids just freak me right out.

Q. Finally, if Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates?
A. "Hey there kiddo, you finally made it. You gave us all a good laugh up here."

So there you go. My bit of boredom for the day. Just to prompt a little commenting (I'd like to know if I'm actually getting some readers out there) what would be your answers to some of these questions?

Kirk Lazarus for Best Supporting Actor


Oscar season is almost here, kiddies! And you know what that means-- "For Your Consideration" Ads. For those of you who aren't familiar with the Oscar nomination process, it's simple. A studio must take out "For Your Consideration" ads for whatever actor, film, whatever they want to be nominated for an Acadamy Award. Then, only after the ads are reviewed are the actual films reviewed. Finally, nominations are decided and announced.

Recently, DreamWorks pictures released two "For Your Consideration" ads promoting fake actor Kirk Lazarus (Robert Downey Jr.) for Best Supporting Actor. And they are effin' hilarious.

Here's the link to watch the 30 second ads:
http://www.worstpreviews.com/headline.php?id=11184&count=0

This is all pretty funny considering that rumor is that Robert Downey Jr. is going to recieve an Oscar nom for his role as Kirk Lazarus as Lincoln Osiris in Tropic Thunder. Confusing, huh?

Stupidest. Junk. Ever.

There's...I mean...I just...there's no way to even begin this post. Just...it's official...the world has lost it's ever-loving mind...

Just follow the link and you'll see what I'm talking about:
http://www.worstpreviews.com/headline.php?id=11199&count=0

New Director Announced For "Twilight" Series


Guys? Get ready to laugh. Get ready. To laugh.

Okay, so Catherine Hardwick the director of the first installment of the new, highly-overrated Twilight franchise was recently not asked to come back for the three sequels. Well, it was announced yesterday that Chris Weitz, the man behind classics such as American Pie and The Golden Compass has been offered to direct the next two Twilight films.

I'll repeat that:

The guy...that made...American Pie...is going to direct...the ultimate chick flick.

HOW BRILLIANTLY HILARIOUS IS THAT?!

Man, I thought that Catherine Hardwick was crap, but CHRIS WEITZ? REALLY? Oh man, maybe those producers should've went easier on you Twilight-ers and just given you Brett Ratner. Honestly, this is just going to crush your lovely franchise. (Much to my enjoyment.)

So, with Weitz at the wheel, what's gonna be next in store for the characters, hmm? Is precious Edward going to have sex with an apple pie, maybe? Or Bella stick a flute up her hoo-hoo? Or is Jacob Black gonna drink pale ale with a little something-something mixed in?

Y'know, this--this-- is the best Christmas gift a girl like me could ever get. Thank you Baby Jesus. And thank you retarded Hollywood producers for making this the best Christmas ever.

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

New Watchmen Footage!

There's new footage online of the upcoming Watchmen film. The three-minute mix-mash of footage was originally released in July at Comic Con. But now it's here for the rest of us to enjoy!

Here's the link:

http://www.worstpreviews.com/trailer.php?id=590&item=7

Ten Films I'm Looking Forward To In 2009

A new year means new movies, and new movies means new reasons for me to be excited! 2009 is hearkening in a year of comebacks, sequels, prequels, remakes, and nerd films. Here's a list of films that I'm personally looking forward to next year.

#10 Imaginarium of Dr. Parnassus
Release Date: TBA
Why I'm Excited: After his untimely death in January, Heath Ledger's was replaced with other brilliant actors such as Johnny Depp, Jude Law, and Colin Farrell. They will play his character, Tony, as this magical traveling theatre leaps through different times and dimensions. I'm looking forward to how inventive director Terry Gilliam pulls off the transition from actor to actor.

#9 The Road
Release Date: TBA
Why I'm Excited: This novel-turned-movie takes place in a post-apocalyptic America that is not unlike an earthly hell. The sky is blacked out with ash and dust, and all animal and plant life is dead. All the while a Man and his Son struggle to survive against the evil that managed to survive the unknown disaster. Ooh, just the synopsis is enough to send shivers down your spine, huh?

#8 Terminator Salvation
Release Date: 5/22
Why I'm Excited: Okay, I'll admit, I'm not that big of a Terminator fan. But, this movie looks amazing. I saw the trailer for it when I went to see The Dark Knight and I was blown away. Plus, it's got a pretty kick-ass cast: Christian Bale, Bryce Dallas Howard, Helena Bohnam-Carter, Common, and newcomer Anton Yelchin. All this combines to make for a pretty exciting-looking movie.

#7 Dragonball
Release Date: 4/8
Why I'm Excited: To be honest, I'm just ready to see how much this movie blows. I've seen the trailers, I've seen the clips, and I've seen the cast-- it looks awesomely cheesetastic. It could quite possibly be 2009's Speed Racer. Sorry to all those Dragonball fans out there, but I think that this one's gonna be a big ol' wad of bad movie-making.

#6 Monsters vs. Aliens
Release Date: 5/27
Why I'm Excited: This looks like another one of those brilliant films that Pixar annually puts out. It's also got some of my favorite actors doing the voices: Seth Rogen, Hugh Laurie, Steven Colbert, and Will Arnett.

#5 The Soloist
Release Date: 4/24
Why I'm Excited: This is one of those films where Jamie Foxx actually looks tolerable. He's playing a mentally-challenged man who's a musical prodigy. I smell an Oscar nom. Just as long as he doesn't go full-retard. And it has Robert Downey Jr. in it. Can't get much better than that.

#4 X-Men Origins: Wolverine
Release Date: 5/1
Why I'm Excited: As a huge comic nerd, I must say that this film looks ten times better than the other films in the franchise. Plus, they're bringing in the biggest and the baddest of the mutants. The casting for these mutants are seemingly flawless: Ryan Reynolds as Deadpool, Leiv Schreiber as a young Sabretooth, Taylor Kitsch as Gambit, and the ever-creepy Danny Huston as William Stryker. This seems like a jolt of new energy to a dead series.

#3 Star Trek
Release Date: 5/8
Why I'm Excited: So far, casting looks absolutely brilliant. Zachary Quinto is the perfect Spock, Chris Pine makes for a hot Captain Kirk, Simon Pegg is a brilliant Scotty, Karl Urban is a sleek McCoy, and Zoe Saldana is the beautiful Uhura. But other than y'know, awesome casting, it also has amazing directing. J.J. Abrams, the mind behind Lost, Alias, Fringe, and Cloverfield (although we can forgive him for that one) takes on the helming for this absolutely necessary remake.

#2 Inglourious Basterds
Release Date: TBA
Why I'm Excited: It's Quentin Tarantino. It's. Quentin. Tarantino. That's all that needs to be said. But, I'll say more. This film has an extremely unique plot. It involves a gang of Jewish-American soldiers in WWII who are sent out on a mission to spread fear in the hearts of the Nazis. They call themselves "The Basterds" and what they do is nothing short of brutal. Sounds pretty bad-ass, huh?

#1 Watchmen
Release Date: 3/9
Why I'm Excited: I've been a fan of the Watchmen series since I was sixteen years old. Ever since I first heard about this becoming a film way back in 2007, I've been on pins and needles waiting for it ever since. When the trailer debuted before The Dark Knight, it was nothing short of orgasmic. In that...non-wierd way... Anyway, this film could do for superhero films next year what Iron Man and The Dark Knight did for them this year. Plus, it's directed by the uber-fantastic director Zack Snyder. Yeah, that's the guy that did 300. This man just keeps the awesomeness coming, doesn't he?

Twilight Fangirls Just Got PWNED

Rumour-Mill has it that the director of the new (highly overrated) blockbuster Twilight" got booted out for the next movie.
Catherine Hardwick who has also directed other fangirl flicks like Thirteen and Lords of Dogtown apparently isn't going to be asked back for the remaining three Twilight films. Nobody knows whether it has to do with her skill (or lack thereof) or if it's just an aesthetic decision.


All I know is that I say, HAHA! to all those millions of fangirls out there. HAHA! on you for losing your director. But what am I saying? It's not as if you actually care whose helming the damn thing. As long as you get your no-talent, marginally good-looking, mediocre, pasty-skinned actors back you'll be satisfied, won't you? Won't you?! Well you know what? I hope you get Brett Ratner or Uwe Boll directing the next one, just so they can screw up your franchise like they did mine!

For those of you who don't know, Brett Ratner was the poop-nose who directed the third installment of the X-Men movies. And it was terrible. T-E-R-R-I-B-L-E. Terrible. And Uwe Boll did both the BloodRayne franchise and that horrendous Jason Statham film In the Name of the King: Yaddah, yaddah, yaddah. Whatever, it was a sucky title.

So yeah Twilight-ers, I hope you get one of those two to come back and direct your crappy franchise. Or better yet, let's just reanimate the corpse of Ed Wood and let him direct. That would be great. Okay, my rant's over.

Monday, December 8, 2008

Ten Comedies You Should See Today

Sick of all those (Insert Film Genre Here) Movies? And those exponentially crappier National Lampoon and American Pie films? Me too! So I've made a list of ten films that can break the monotony of fart-jokes and infantile humor that constantly barrage the masses. Oh, and let's not judge me on these "funny" quotes people. Some of 'em you just got to see the movie to understand.

#10 Some Like It Hot
Plot: Two jazz musicians (Tony Curtis and Jack Lemmon) running from mobsters disguise themselves as women and join an all-girl band. During their stint, they meet Sugar Kane (Marilyn Monroe) and end up finding love in all the wrong places. With it's clever (and not-s0-subtle) innuendos, this film was way ahead of it's time.
Funny Quote: "My last wife was a contortionist. She could smoke a cigarette while holding it between her toes. *sighs lecherously* ZOWIE!"


#9 Kiss Kiss Bang Bang
Plot: Small-time crook Harry (Robert Downey Jr.) gets his partner killed while running from the cops and stumbles upon an audition for a new police-drama movies. By pure accident, he lands the part and begins to be tutored by real-life detective Gay Perry (Val Kilmer.) But before Harry can even get the first lines of the film out of his mouth, a string of murders leads the two men into a strange case that they must solve.
Funny Quote: "I call it my faggot gun. Because it's only good for a couple of shots then you gotta drop it for something better."


#8 A Night At The Opera
Plot: Sly business man Otis B. Driftwood (Groucho Marx) and his two accomplices (Harpo and Chico Marx) set out to wreak hilarious havoc on rich opera patrons.
Funny Quote: "Why you're willing to pay him a thousand dollars a night just for singing? Why you can get a record of Minnie the Moocher for 75 cents. And for a buck and a quarter you can get Minnie."

#7 Young Frankenstein
Plot: The late Dr. Frankenstein leaves his grandson Frederick Frankenstein (Gene Wilder) his castle and his fortune in Transylvania. Along with the castle comes his own, private servant Igor (Marty Feldman) lab assistant (Teri Garr) and housekeeper (Cloris Leachmen.) By a turn of strange events, Frederick follows in his grandfather's footschtapps and creates a monster (Peter Boyle) who he attempts to turn into a gentleman.
Funny Quote: "For this experiment to be a success, all of the body parts must be enlarged. In other words, his veins, his feet, his hands, his organs would all have to be increased in size...he would have an enormous schwanzstucker...Woof!"

#6 Forgetting Sarah Marshall

Plot: Poor Peter (Jason Segel) just got dumped by his girlfriend of five years, TV actress Sarah Marshall (Kristin Bell). In an attempt to get over her, he takes a trip to Hawaii-- only to find that Sarah is there with her new boyfriend, rockstar Alduos Snow (Russell Brand). Now he must find a way to forget Sarah Marshall, even though she's right next door.
Funny Quote: "I've lost a shoe...s'cuse me miss, have you seen my other shoe. It's like this one, 'cept it's like it's other fellow. It's sort of the exact opposite in fact of that-- but not like it's evil version, but just, y'know a shoe like this...'cept for the other foot..."

#5 Modern Times
Plot: The Tramp, made famous by Charlie Chaplin, struggles to live in the growing industrialist world along with a young homeless woman.
Funny Quote: It's a silent film. But the physical comedy is fantastic.

#4 Shaun of the Dead
Plot: Shaun (Simon Pegg) and best friend Ed (Nick Frost) must fight lethal, flesh-eating zombies in order to save Shaun's mum and girlfriend Liz.
Funny Quote: "Oh her...she's a cock-icidal maniac..."

#3 The Jerk
Plot: A white man (Steve Martin) who was raised by a black family sets out for fame and fortune by joining the local circus.
Funny Quote: (When told that he's not their real child) "You mean I'm going to stay this color?"

#2 Robin Hood: Men In Tights
Plot: Robin Hood (Cary Ewles) battles against the Sherriff of Rottingham (Roger Rees), Prince John (Richard Lewis), and chastisty belts for the love of his Maid Marian (Amy Yasbeck).
Funny Quote: "Oh no! A chastity belt! Aww, that's going to chafe my willy."

#1 Tropic Thunder
Plot: Three spoiled actors (Ben Stiller, Jack Black, Robert Downey Jr.) are stranded in the middle of the Laosian jungle-- all the while being pursued by heroin farmers; dealing with drug withdrawal; and learning about their own egos.
Funny Quote: "WHO in crikey fuck is Little Half-Squat?!"

Sunday, December 7, 2008

Best. Quote. Ever.

"You know that you had a damn good night when you wake up with 10 pesos in your pocket and you never went to Mexico." -- Brad Arnold, 3 Doors Down

Old People + Rock Music + Alcohol = Hilarity


This is going to be a pretty short post. But I figured out that if you take a bunch of forty-something women and men, give them large amounts of free alcohol, and place them in a small venue (Oh, let's say the show room at the Hard Rock Casino) where 3 Doors Down is playing, that you will get the show of your life.


They will dance.


And I'm not just talking about shaking their hips, putting their "hands in the ayer" kind of dancing. I'm talking about full-on, three-dimensions, bump and grinding kind of dancing. They are absolutely unaware of the fact that they are spilling their beer on you and everyone around them and are oblivious to the actual tempo of the band's song. It's brilliant.


You ever see the Charlie Brown TV shows? You remember how they used to dance? Yeah, some of the older folks dance like that too.


Hilarious.

Thursday, December 4, 2008

Who Says Old Movies Weren't Dirty?


If you've watched as many old movies as I have, you'll learn that the filmmakers weren't always as squeaky-clean as they made themselves out to be. In fact, the classic era of Hollywood produced some of the best innuendo ever heard by man. Quite entertaining really. But sometimes, they weren't so subtle. Take for example this scene, from one of my favorite Paul Newman films, Hud. It is absolutely brilliant the things some of the filmmakers got away with back then. I guarantee that this scene will make you grin.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aqKXUCc78bk

First Look At Gambit in New Wolverine Movie


Recently, Empire magazine printed a photo of actor Taylor Kitsch as my personal favorite mutant, Gambit. Gambit will make an appearance in the 2009 film X-Men Origins: Wolverine as part of the Weapon X program. So there's the photo, above the article there...go ahead, I'll give you a moment to look it over and criticize.

Now it's my turn. I must say, I'm a bit disappointed in this photo and a little worried that they've gone and screwed up my favorite mutant. Where's the red and black eyes? The five o'clock shadow? Hmm? This kid's beard looks like a chocolate milk moustache. But, I'm going to be a bit lenient and not judge too early. I'm waiting to see a pic of him in costume and then I'll determine whether or not this film's going to live up to my expectations. But the one thing I can say is that this Kitsch kid better get that damn Cajun accent down pat, otherwise a whole lot of comic-nerd women are going to be very angry. And you will not like us when we're angry.

Random Fact of the Day


Random Fact of the Day: Joan Crawford's eyebrows can be used as weapons. For example, she can take one off and beat you with it like a coathanger. Or she can throw one at you like a giant, hairy boomerang. It's her choice. Just don't piss her off.


That's your Random Fact of the Day.

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

Check Out This Short Film

While cruising around on the Internet, I stumbled across a really fantastic and funny short film called Whatever We Do. It stars three of my favorite actors: Zooey Deschanel, Tim Roth, and Robert Downey Jr. Oh, and Amanda Peet's in there too. It follows newly-engaged Patty and Joe (Peet and Roth) and their two friends Bobby and Nikki (Downey Jr. and Deschanel) on a night of drinks and debauchery. What starts out as just a party leads them to truths that they have never revealed to each other before.

It's a short film (clocks in at about 23 minutes) but in that short time, they manage to pack in a lot of dark humor and some pretty heavy scenes.

I'm putting up the video link from YouTube, so check it out!


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mOKZE4a2gWA

Things I've Learned While In College


They say that the best education is experience. Well whoever they are they're absolutely right. Since I've been in college these last few months, I've learned a lot of stuff that I never knew before. I'd like to impart upon you this knowledge that was bestowed upon me.


1.) You can go to class with no makeup, sweatpants, a baggy hoodie, messy hair, and broken flip-flops and no one will ever look at you weird. Why? 'Cause chances are, everybody is dressed the exact same way.

2.) You can always retake a test, but you can never relive a party. Live it up while you can.


3.) Having a meal ticket means nothing. After about a month, you'll hardly ever eat in the cafeteria.

4.) Climbing in through windows is a typical way to get into your dorms. Especially if they lock them at a certain hour.

5.) Drinking is completely acceptable. But enjoy yourself now, because after college it's referred to as "alcoholism."

6.) Skipping a party because you have a test and a speech due the next day or because you prefer to watch "The Office" are not considered fouls (in most cases.)

7.) Dishes don't get done until there's no clean ones left to use.

8.) Cabin fever from your dorms in inevitable. It will happen to you eventually. You can't escape it.

9.) If you were a straight-A student in high school (like myself), be prepared to get a case of the "F*** It's" by the end of the semester.

10.) You learn that your family is everything. Especially when there's food involved.

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

Five Vampire Films That Are Better Than "Twilight"

In light of the recent (and ridiculous) Twilight-mania I've decided to compile a list of vampire flicks that are-- and always will be-- a thousand times better than Twilight. So, my little pointy-toothed fanatics, enjoy and be educated.

1.) From Dusk Til' Dawn
Starring: Harvey Keitel, George Clooney, Quentin Tarantino, Juliette Lewis, Salma Hayek, Cheech Marin, Danny Trejo
Why It's Better Than Twilight: Well, first off, if you read the cast then you'd know that it's got to be amazing. Second, it's directed by the wonderful Robert Rodriguez. Third, it takes place in Mexico-- which is typically an unusual place for vampires to roam.

2.) Let The Right One In
Starring: Kare Hedebrant, Lina Leandersson
Why It's Better Than Twilight: Instead of being your typical "romantic" vampire tale, this film chooses to make it's main protagonists children. A little boy named Oskar falls in love with a vampire girl named Eli in 1982 Stockholm. Mixing the theme of "young, innocent love" with the idea of a creature that is wholly damned is a pretty unique idea.

3.) Interview With A Vampire
Starring: Brad Pitt, Tom Cruise, Kirsten Dunst, Antonio Banderas
Why It's Better Than Twilight: Well...c'mon...it's Brad Pitt and Tom Cruise...it's definitely going to be better than anything Twilight does. Sorry Robert Pattinson, but you are no early-90's Brad Pitt and you never will be.

4.) Nosferatu: Eins Symphonie Des Grauens
Starring: Max Schreck, Gustav Von Wangenheim, Greta Schroder, G.H. Schnell
Why It's Better Than Twilight: It is the original vampire film. Max Schreck's acting is beyond method... it's just downright terrifying. Some people even think that Schreck was really a vampire himself, and that's why his portrayal of Count Orlock was so realistic. Makes for good cinema, huh?

5.) Blade II
Starring: Wesley Snipes, Kris Kristofferson, Ron Perlman, Norman Reedus
Why It's Better Than Twilight: Action, action, action. That's all that can be said. The fight scenes in this film are absolutely beautiful, and so well-crafted. But hey, what do you expect from the uber-great director Guillermo del Toro?

So there you have it. Five films that are always going to be better than that drivel Twilight. So suck on that, Stephanie Meyer!

Real Life: My Schoolmate Knocked Up A Celebrity


So I found out about a month ago that I go to school with the dude that knocked up Jamie-Lynn Spears. Yeah...really random, huh? His name is Casey Aldridge and he attends Southwest Mississippi Community College where I also go. I found out this golden nugget of information one day when me and a couple of the soccer girls were just hanging out bored.


You never see him just walking around, and nor do you see him ever by himself. He's always driving this big-ass Ford that just screams "Hey, I'm a Douchey McDouchebag!" from every unnecessary chrome piece on its battered body. And said truck is always filled with loud, possibly inebriated guys. And by filled, I mean absolutely teeming. They're just hanging out of windows, the sun roof, and the back of the truck. Apparently, knocking up a bloated pop-star's little sister earns you a whole lot of friends.


So anyway, yeah, I go to school with Casey Aldridge-- the guy who made a baby with Zoey 101. Lovely.

Finally. A Video Game I Can Actually Play.


Saturday, I was rummaging around in this plastic bin my dad keeps all his video games in (yeah, my dad's a gamer. That is, until I stole the PS2 and brought it to the dorm.) and I came across a pretty sweet-looking game.


Marvel: Ultimate Alliance.


So as soon as I got to the dorm, I popped it into the PS2 and started playing. It was amazing. I could actually work this game. I could actually play it without feeling completely incompetent. I was so excited.


The objective of the game is to form an alliance of four superheroes in order to defeat evil and all the usual superhero stuff. My current alliance is Wolverine, Iron Man, Deadpool, and Storm. Yeah, it's pretty much a sausage-fest.


But anyway, I'm stoked about this game! Usually, the only games I'm any good at are Guitar Hero, Rock Band, and Tony Hawk American Underground. With this, I'm hoping to become a better gamer by taking baby steps. Wish me luck! I'll definitely need it.

Monday, December 1, 2008

Ten Great Films You've Probably Never Heard Of

Here are ten absolutely wonderful films that you may or may not have heard of. Some of them are a little strange, some a bit stupid, others are just plain dirty. But all of them are, in their own special way, fantastic.

1.) The Dreamers
Starring: Micheal Pitt, Eva Green, Louis Garrel
Plot: An American student befriends fraternal twins Theo and Isabelle in 1968 France. As their friendship grows, so does the student conflicts in the streets. Eventually all three learn that-- along with love-- jealousy, fear, and change also grows.
Why You Might Like It: It's not exactly your conventional love story. And if you're a mainstream movie watcher looking to get into indies, this is the perfect film to just throw you in.

2.) A Price Above Rubies
Starring: Renee Zellweger, Christopher Eccleston
Plot: A young woman who is married to a devout Jew seeking to become a rabbi questions both her place in the world and her faith.
Why You Might Like It: If you're a fan of Renee Zellweger, this is a good piece of her early work. It's also a good film for those who like to question certain age-old ideas.

3.) Party Monster
Starring: Macaulay Culkin, Seth Green, Chloe Sevigny, Dylan McDermott, Wilson Cruz
Plot: The true story of how drugs, murder, and a taste of glamour brought down notorious Club Kid Micheal Alig. Based on the book "Disco Bloodbath" by James St. James.
Why You Might Like It: Glitz, costumes, dancing, drugs, glamour, sex, and murder. This movie has something for everyone. If you're a fan of dark humor, then this one will definitely please.

4.) Adventures of Priscilla, Queen of the Desert
Starring: Hugo Weaving, Guy Pearce, Terence Stamp
Plot: Two drag queens and a transsexual man take their cabaret show on the road in a old, beat-down camper named Priscilla.
Why You Might Like It: C'mon, who doesn't like drag queens? This movie is packed with laughs, cringes, and "the occasional frock."

5.) Deuces Wild
Starring: Stephen Dorff, Brad Renfro, Fairuza Balk, Norman Reedus, Matt Dillon, Drea DeMatteo
Plot: Set in 1950's Brooklyn, this tale of two streets gangs, the Deuces and the Vipers, weaves us a yarn of love, family, and honor.
Why You Might Like It: If you like those movies that are borderline cheese, but are still entertaining then you'll love this. Plus, it's packed with dozens of stars, both indie and mainstream: Stephen Dorff, Brad Renfro, Matt Dillon, James Franco, Frankie Muniz, Vincent Pastore, and even an uncredited Johnny Knoxville!

6.) Jack the Giant Killer
Starring: Kerwin Matthews, Judi Meredith, Torin Thatcher
Plot: Hero Jack, must save his beautiful Princess Elaine from the clutches of the evil wizard Pendragon.
Why You Might Like It: Dude, it's a Harryhausen film. It's bound to be awesome in some way. This movie makes us grateful for modern special effects and...capable writers. Plus, there's a leprechaun. Don't ask me why, but there's one there.

7.) Audition
Starring: Ryo Ishisbashi, Eihi Shiina
Plot: A lonely man finds out in the worst way possible that his newest girlfriend isn't exactly what she seems.
Why You Might Like It: If you're a fan of J-Horror or of just horror movies in general, then this movie is definitely for you. It's way scarier and smarter than anything that's been put made lately by American filmmakers.

8.) A Face In The Crowd
Starring: Andy Griffith, Patricia Neal, Walter Matthau
Plot: A bum named "Lonesome" Rhodes becomes an overnight singing sensation and eventually falls into the whole drugs, sex, and rock-n-roll lifestyle.
Why You Might Like It: It's got a pre-Mayberry Andy Griffith playing the "bad boy" blues singer. And it's directed by one of my personal favorite Code-Era directors Elia Kazan.

9.) Baby Doll
Starring: Carroll Baker, Eli Wallach, Karl Malden
Plot: "Babydoll" is the nineteen year old wife of sweaty, balding, cotton farmer Archie Lee. Although been married for almost two years, their marriage has never been consummated. Babydoll, who is considered "a cold woman" by her husband, is later warmed up by the mysterious stranger Silva Vacarro.
Why You Might Like It: This steamy Southern drama was way ahead of it's time. Because of its "racy" plot content, it was banned immoral by the League of Decency and was condemned by critics. If all that hullaballoo isn't enough to peak your interest, then I don't know what will.

10.) The Triplets of Belleville
Starring: Beatrice Bonifassi
Plot: In this French cartoon, a young bicyclist is captured and his grandmother-- accompanied only by her dog and three elderly sisters-- must find a way to rescue him.
Why You Might Like It: This is an extremely unique cartoon. The animation is quite different, the humor quirky, and the music is beautiful.

Review: Tropic Thunder


All I can say is that this movie is quite possibly one of the funniest comedies I've seen in a long time. I was on the floor, in tears, laughing for most of the film. In fact, it was so funny that I even went and listened to the commentary after I was done watching it. Yes...it's that good.

The plot of Tropic Thunder pokes fun at some of the best and brightest of Hollywood land. Three spoiled, narcissistic actors are hired to do a movie based on Vietnam veteran "Four Leaf" Tayback's (Nick Nolte) best-selling memoir. Unfortunatly, they are so caught up within themselves that they set back prodution a whole month only five days into shooting. So in an attempt to "make men out of them," director Damien Cockburn (Steve Coogan) teams with Four Leaf and special-effects master/pyromaniac Cody (Danny McBride) to formulate a plot. They decide to dump the actors in the middle of the Vietnamese jungle, leave them with nothing but their costumes, props, and scripts, and let them wander around all whilst being filmed with hidden cameras in trees and shrubberies and the like. When the plans go awry, the actors figure out that, not only are they stuck in the jungle, but that they are also stuck with each other. What results is 90 minutes of pure comedic gold.

Normally, I'm not a big fan of comedies like this. Yeah, Ben Stiller's funny but sometimes it's just a little too much. But this...oh, man...this was a masterpiece. Part of it has to do with the fantastic casting. Stiller, Black, and Downey Jr. have the best comedic chemistry that I've seen in a while. Each character has their own unique and equally gut-busting problems. Jack Black play Jeff Portnoy, the funniest man in Hollywood and also the biggest drug-addict. The entire film, we witness him going through withdrawals-- which shouldn't be funny, but dammit it is! Ben Stiller is Tugg Speedman, the iconic action star who can't really act. His struggle throughout the film is with his own self-worth, and no matter what the jungle throws at him, he's dead set on finishing the film. Finally, Robert Downey Jr. plays Kirk Lazarus-- a five-time Oscar winning Australian method actor who gets so deep into character that he loses himself. For Tropic Thunder, Lazarus underwent a skin pigmentation surgery to look like his black character, Lincoln Osiris. The entire film he doesn't break character-- a jive-talking, black man, from God-Knows-Where. This causes a lot of frustration amongst the fellow actors.


But the scene-stealer is definitely the one and only master of Scientology, Tom Cruise. Cruise plays the ball-busting, foul-mouthed producer of Tropic Thunder Les Grossman. I never knew that Cruise could be truly funny. But all of his scenes are garunteed to make you laugh until you cry.

Also, if you're a fan of war movies, then you'll appreciate the homages laced throughout the film. There's scene mocking Platoon, Born On the Fourth of July, and Full Metal Jacket. Just don't take them too seriously, otherwise you might be a bit offended.


I've gotten wind that Robert Downey Jr. is to receive a Best Actor Oscar nomination for his role in this film. And to that I say, "Damn good job, RDJ." I'm not sure if I'm ready for a comedic role to recieve an Oscar, but hell I say the man deserves it. He got gypped out in 1992 for Chaplin (he lost out to Al Pacino in Scent of a Woman) and I think that he should get another chance. The only way I won't support him is if Heath Ledger gets put on the Best Actor bill. Sorry Robbie, but I gotta go with my Joker.


Anyway, that's beside the point. The point is that this film has it all: actual humor, great acting, good filmmaking, and a relevant plot. Rare to find all of these together in a comedy film. Go out and rent Tropic Thunder tonight!

Robert Downey Jr.-- Coolest Dude In Hollywood.


So after watching the absolutely hilarious film Tropic Thunder, and then re-watching the head-exploding ferocity that is Iron Man, I came to the conclusion that Robert Downey Jr. is officially my favorite person in Hollywood right now. Wanna know why? Huh? Wanna know why?!


'Cause he's freaking Robert Downey Jr. That's why.


But, for argument's sake, I've compiled a list of reasons why RDJ (hee, that's what bloggers call him) is officially to coolest dude in Hollywood.


1.) Dude, he's Iron Man. The guy was born to play Tony Stark, it's as simple as that. And anytime you can take a hardcore DC fan like myself and make her cross over to Marvel, you've done a damn good job.


2.) The guy has worked hard to come back into the mainstream. Yeah, he was a drug-addict. Yeah, he got arrested for possesion of crack and heroin. Yeah, he's been to rehab more times that Cher's been to the plastic surgeon. But you've got to admit, the man has worked his ass off to get back to where he fell from in the 80's. And all that hard work has paid off tremendously.


3.) He has great acting chops. If you look even back in the 80's when he first started out as a Brat-Packer, you can see that RDJ has huge potential. His character in Less Than Zero will break your heart, and make you hate him at the same time. Good stuff. Now he's playing everything from a superhero to a black guy to Sherlock Holmes. Simply amazing.


4.) There's talk that he's being nominated for a best actor Oscar for his role in Tropic Thunder. Yes, you heard right. Tropic Thunder. Anytime someone can star in a potty-mouthed, Ben Stiller-helmed, raunchy comedy and be nominated for an Oscar you know that they're damn good.


5.) Chaplin. That's all I have to say. Go rent this film. Absolute brilliance.


6.) Okay, this one is just for me-- the man is fantastic looking. To me, at least. They're nothing sexier than a gut who still has that bad-boy air about him without actually being a drug-addict. Sorry, I just had to throw that one in there for myself.


So there you go. Six reasons why I think Robert Downey Jr. is officially the coolest guy in Hollywood right now. I really hope to see him in more stuff soon. And I'm so looking forward to The Soloist, coming out in March 2009, and the Guy Ritchie-helmed Sherlock Holmes film. RDJ, you'll always have our hearts!

Review: "Joker" Graphic Novel

Christmas came early this year for this particular blogger.

Friday I managed to finally get my hands on the new Brian Azzarello/Lee Bermejo graphic novel "Joker" which I had previewed earlier in my blog. I predicted that it would be pretty dang amazing.

And let me be the first to say that it didn't disappoint.

The story is told through the eyes of the Joker's newest right-hand man, Jonny Frost. All Jonny wants is to be a big shot, not just some "two-bit hood, hustling small potatoes"-- but the only way to do this is to lay himself at the mercy of the Clown Prince of Crime. Through his narration, we are taken on a roller coaster ride of drugs, death, and depravity.

Jonny learns that the Joker has somehow managed to convince Arkham Asylum doctors that he is no longer insane, and that he is getting out of prison. He takes a chance and volunteers to go pick up good ol' Mr. J at Arkham. For reasons never fully known, the Joker takes an immediate liking to Jonny and begins to train him as his newest gang member.

When Joker gets out of Arkham, he discovers that all the money that he worked so hard to steal has been divvied up and squandered by his underbosses. This does not make him very happy. Rounding up the few criminals he can still trust, he sets out on a killing spree the likes of which Gotham's underbelly has never before seen.

The one thing I was completely impressed with in this graphic novel was how Azzarello and Bermejo re-imagined all the traditional characters. Both visually and psychologically intriguing, every single character makes you want to reread their panels over and over again. For all you Batman purists out there, we get pretty much the entire original Rogue's Gallery: Joker, Two-Face, Penguin, Riddler, Harley Quinn, and Croc. I'm extremely tempted to describe in detail every one of the villains, but I'll just leave it up to the reader to go and find out for themselves.

The Joker in this graphic novel is one that we've never seen before. His look and some of his traits are eerily similar to Christopher Nolan's Joker (i.e. Cheshire Grin, funky suits, penchant for laceration) but Azzarello and Bermejo started working on this project two years before the release of Dark Knight. Strange coincidence, no? But whether it's plagiarism, the common sharing of ideas, or simply divine intervention, one thing is for certain: the new Joker kicks so much ass. Not since The Killing Joke was I actually frightened by the Joker. With this particular graphic novel, I was legitimately freaked out by the time I finished reading. He becomes more than just a character-- he seems to come alive within the pages and scares the pants off of the reader. But you can't help but like him, and that scares you even more. Kind of makes you question your own sanity. But there's another, more relatable side to Joker that is shown to us in this graphic novel. It is revealed to us that the Joker has a very human side to him-- flawed, imperfect, weak, and even vulnerable. One panel almost brought me to tears. It shows a sobbing Joker clinging to the waist of his one and only Harley who gently strokes his hair. This kind of-- dare I say it-- sensitivity, is something we've never seen in the Joker before. But of course, the Joker gives meaning to the word "volatile," and after he's done crying he proceeds to go on a shooting spree in Gotham, laughing along the way. In true good villain fashion, by the end of the book you don't know whether to love him, hate him, or just feel sorry for him. Only true masters can pull this trick off. Azzarello/Bermejo did this well.

One thing that is extremely compelling about this graphic novel is that Batman almost never present. Most of the time he is alluded to by the Joker and other villains as "Him." In fact, the Dark Knight doesn't show up until the last three pages. But when he does, oh boy, does he show up with a bang. One thing that made me just squeal with delight was the fact that he has only one line. Just one. But that one line is so packed with disdain and sarcasm that it will send you careening with a newly resurrected love for our boy in black.

All in all, I give Joker my stamp of approval. I found it a great read, especially amongst some of the dreck that is being published nowadays. Also, for you casual readers, it will probably spark a new interest in comics and graphic novels. Joker is available for $20 at any Books-A-Million or Barnes and Noble, so go get one today you cheap bastard!