Just The Rambling's of One of "Those People"

Go. View. Now. NOW!

2009-02-17T17:32:00.000-08:00

There are four Watchmen clips now online. I demand that you go and view them now. NOW I SAY!!!

Here's the link (from my usual well of awesomeness WorstPreviews.com. It's the last four clips.)

http://www.worstpreviews.com/media.php?id=590&place=trailer

I myself had a slight geekgasm after I watched these...but you......didn't really wanna know that....sorry.

My Favorite Boozy Windbags

2009-02-04T17:32:00.000-08:00

This is probably the most random list I've ever made. But I realize I have a penchant for loving boozy, self-righteous windbags. I love the rants they go on, I love the DUI's they get charged with, but most of all I love they epic amounts of crazy they harbor in those big heads of thiers.

#5 Joan Rivers

The Fabulous Windbag: This woman has been in show business since the 1970's, and she hasn't been able to blink since 1998! This botox-fueled, loud-mouthed, sequined-bedazzled loudmouth makes the red carpet a much more interesting place for everyone. With her skiving snipes at "much-more famous" actors (ex. "Marie Osmond is such a goodie-goodie that she doesn't even have nipples, she has happy faces.") she is one of those true windbags that has that "I don't give a damn what anyone thinks about me" attitude. Gotta love that.

#4 Adam West

The Batman Wind(Bat)bag: The man has managed to build his entire career around a character that he played for only two years in the 60's. That's enginuity. Just plain-old American hard work. Now he's doing amazing voice-over work for awesome shows like "Family Guy," "The Boondocks," "Johnny Bravo," and "The Fairly Oddparents." And we just can't get enough of him.

#3 Elizabeth Taylor

The Crazy Old Bat Windbag: She's old. She's got big hair. She's been married eight times. She used to be the biggest, most beautiful star on the planet. And she's awesomely nuts. Liz Taylor use to be a fine actress, playing in hits such as Cleopatra, Cat On a Hot Tin Roof, Giant, and Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf? But like most great actors (see: Marlon Brando) Liz went crazy. But not just a little crazy, she went batshit crazy. Need examples? She and Michael Jackson were the Maid of Honor and Best Man at Liza Minelli and David Guest's wedding. She acts all confused and screechy-crazy on the red carpet (see: Howlin' Liz). I blame Michael Jackson and years of inhaling White Diamonds for her behaviour. But you know what? We still love our violet-eyed diva! Or at least, I do.

#2 William Shatner

The Trekkie Windbag: Three words: James. Tiberius. Kirk. Whether you're a Trekkie or not, you've somehow been affected by the awesoemeness that radiates off of William Shatner. He was the original captain of the Starship Enterprise, he's the Priceline Negotiator, and now he even has is own talk show called "Shatner's Raw Nerve." The man is...a...GOD! First of all, he has that cadence when he talks-- who else could pull that off? No one, I say! Second, who else could also pull off that tight lycra yellow captain's shirt in Star Trek? Nobody but Shatner! The man is amazing in too many ways to document here on this post. Just accept the fact: William Shatner is much more awesome than you. By the way, this has nothing to do with this post, but I found it disturbingly hilarious.

#1 Mel Gibson

The Jew-Hating Windbag: Who better to top this list than Mel "Sugartits" Gibson? He's an amazing actor, a fantastic director, and quite possibly the funniest, most offensive drunk alive. He's my favorite anti-Semitic guy in Hollywood. He's a very resilient guy. I mean, it takes some kind of mental strength to believe that the Holocaust was an elaborate hoax, and it takes balls to call a female cop "sugartits" when you're being arrested for DUI. BUt it's that kind of hard-headed awesomeness that makes him our favorite windbag ever. Any guy that can stick by what he said, no matter how hateful and mysoginistic it, is amazing. So, sorry Mel, the Jews are cool, I have to disagree with you on that one, but other than that we love you!

So do you also like these wonderful, alcohol-fueld windbags? Or do you have another favorite?

American Fail

2009-02-03T16:21:00.001-08:00

So as most of you have probably heard by now, Michael Phelps the dude who won eight gold medals in the 2008 Beijing Olympics got caught in a picture allegedly taking a hit out of a bong. The picture was taken at a party at the University of South Carolina where he was visiting a girl he has been seeing. Once the media got ahold of the picture, thirteen kinds of hell broke loose.

I sat on my bed in horror yesterday as I witnessed this young man being attacked by the media for this indiscretion. News anchors demanded that he be reprimanded and punished and whatnot for his herb-toking ways and pretty much tore the guy a new asshole. The more I watched, the more I got pissed.

It seems to me that Phelps needs to be cut a little bit of slack. They guy has won fourteen career gold medals, eight of which came from last year's Olympics. He hasn't had a normal life since he was 18 years-old and now that he's earned his keep, he deserves a little downtime. Besides, it was just a little pot. What 22 year-old college student hasn't smoked a little? Cut him a break.

My defense for his is also this: Paris Hilton (who is utterly talentless) can drive drunk, get arrested, and spend like two hours in jail and get off scott-free but Michael Phelps who worked his ass off to get where he is gets bitched out for taking a hit off a bong. It's absolutely sickening.

Anyway, that was kind of my rant today. Since this news came out Phelps has come to the media and apologized for his "irresponsible" behavior. Who wants to bet that all the potheads in America are gonna start sending him free weed now?

Greatest Death Scenes In Film

2009-02-03T10:54:00.001-08:00

These are the death scenes that made us cringe, cry, and (on occasion) cheer. Whether they were gruesome, realistic, or just plain goofy, they are the greatest death scenes in cinema.

#10 Orson Welles in Citizen Kane
Viva Los Muertos! It was the death scene that launched the greatest made movie in the history of film. With the utterance of those iconic last words, "Rosebud" the death of Orson Welles' character in Citizen Kane made this scene the most parodied, hailed, and close-upped death in cinema.

#9 Paris Hilton in House of Wax
Viva Los Muertos! C'mon, who didn't want to see Paris Hilton get offed in this film? I'll be honest with you, that's the only reason I watched it. Other than that, it was a pretty crappy film.

#8 Hillary Swank in Million Dollar Baby
Viva Los Muertos! I've seen this film several times, and I still cry at the end. The intense mercy killing was a realistic portrayal of the pain people go through when loves ones suffer. The real marker that this was an intense scene was when Clint Eastwood himself started to cry. You know that when Dirty Harry cries, you're sure a hell gonna cry too.

#7 Tim Roth in Reservoir Dogs
Viva Los Muertos! The prolonged, bloody death scene that lasted the entirety of the film was a brutal realistic portrayal of slow death. From the beginning when Tim Roth proclaimed (numerous times) that he was "gonna f***in' die!" to the very end when, covered in blood and tears, confessed to Mr. White his true identity-- we were drawn in every agonizing second.

#6 Wallace Shawn in The Princess Bride
Viva Los Muertos! Those famous last words, "Never go in against a Sicilian when death is on the line!" The self-assuredness of this villain makes for quite possibly the funniest death scene in cinema. 'Nuff said.

#5 Leonard Nimoy in Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan
Viva Los Muertos! Powerful. Heartbreaking. Chock full of man-love. When Spock got radiated and was dying, a little of us died right along with him. But what made it worse was Captain James Tiberius Kirk and his manly sniffles-- when Kirk cries every man in the world cries too. It's just a fact.

#4 Heath Ledger in The Patriot
Viva Los Muertos! I...I don't even....*sniffle* sorry....I don't even think I can get through typing this without tearing up. This was probably the first death scene that genuinely made both me and my mom bawl our eyes out. Mel Gibson (all Jew-hating drunkenness aside) does a fantastic job of playing the heartbroken father, and Heath Ledger...oh God, here it comes *sniff*...Heath Ledger showed us just how brilliant of an actor he was at such a young age. Now, it's just ten times worse to watch because of Heath's untimely death and because Mel's great case of the crazies.

#3 Marlon Brando in Apocalypse Now
Viva Los Muertos! This iconic death scene is one of many odd concoctions that director Oliver Stone every dreamt up. With the trippy Door's song "The End" playing in the background, this death-by-machete scene has got to be one of the most strange, symbolic, and parodied deaths in cinema. Poor old bloated Brando was saddled with the most-imitated final words "The horror...the horror..." Pretty intense stuff for the veteran actor who has been proclaimed as the best actor of all time. You can see the clip here.

#2 Holly Palance in The Omen
Viva Los Muertos! Holy hell, did this scene ever freak me out! When this nanny joyfully commited suicide for her precious little devil-spawn Damien, babysitters of the world genuinely freaked the hell out. It's pretty hard to stand out in a film riddled with bloody, gruesome deaths (i.e. impaled with a spike, thrown out of a window, decapitation) but this silent, sweet, willingness to go to the grave was by far the most disturbing.

#1 Anyone who ever died ever in a Saw film.
Viva Los Muertos! What can one say about a film franchise that builds its whole movies around exquisitely gruesome death scenes. From the very first movie, when it was purely psychological to the latest where it was just blood, guts, gore, and tits these films have the best-made death scenes of any movie around. My particular favorite? Saw 3, the lady getting slowly encased in ice. Not too icky, but certainly slow and painful. For others, the giant joint-twisting machine is good, or the original barbed-wire cage-y thing is better, and for some of you real sickos you just don't think any of them are good enough. So here's you ya'll's inner sadists! Hope ya'll enjoy the torturing to come!

Five Movies We Saw Way Too Young

2009-02-03T09:27:00.000-08:00

Okay, maybe this should be titled "Five Movies I Saw Way Too Young" but whatever. As long as I've been a movie-buff, I've been curious about those films dubbed as "taboo." Thanks to channels like IFC and HBO I was able to see a bunch of them without having to ask my parents to rent them for me. So here' s the list of films that scarred me for life.

#5 Leprechaun
My Age: 5
How It Scarred Me For Life: This movie scared me so bad that I hated being Irish for a few years. Okay, so maybe this movie isn't really that scary, but when you're five anything with demented midgets is gonna frighten the mess out of you.

#4 Titanic
My Age: 7
How It Scarred Me For Life: This was my first ever nude/sex scene. Me and my cousin (who was, coincidentally, younger than me)holed up in my room right before Hurricane Georges and watched this film. It wasn't so much the nudity that bothered me, it was the sinking scenes. Seeing hundreds of dead, frozen, floating bodies isn't exactly a walk in the park for a seven year-old. I ran out of the room about halfway through the second tape and cried in my mom's lap. I made her promise that her and my dad would never go on a cruise. They never have.

#3 Cleopatra
My Age: 8
How It Scarred Me For Life: This isn't the Elizabeth Taylor movie, this was some random made-for-TV miniseries. Of course, since it was a made-for-TV miniseries, they injected in as much lusty fumblings and innuendo as humanly possible. But what was really traumatizing was the birth of Cleopatra's son Cesarean. I was watching it with my mom and she instructed me to cover my eyes. I refused, and she warned me "Okay, but you're not gonna like it." No. No I did not. It was terrifying for a kid like me. So from then on in I always listened to my mom.

#2 Boogie Nights
My Age: 14
How It Scarred Me For Life: Four words: thirteen inch prosthetic penis. Yes, you read rightly. Mark Wahlberg's legendary porn star character Dirk Diggler shows us his happy bits in the last five minutes of the film. Other than that, the rest of the movie isn't that dirty at all. But at fourteen it's pretty traumatizing to sit through a two-hour film about the rise and fall of a porn star and think near the end, "Oh that wasn't that bad at all...OH MY GOD!!! IS THAT REAL?!" Not a very pleasant surprise at all.

#1 The Exorcist
My Age: 10
How It Scarred Me For Life: Chalk this up to pure cat-killing curiosity. My mom talked about walking out of The Exorcist when my dad took her to see it, and my dad talked about it scaring him back to mass after watching it. That kind of horror seems pretty powerful. So one day when I was home alone I watched this film on AMC. It was edited (heavily) and it still scared the bejeesus out of me. That is intensity. I've only ever seen the real version once, and I freaked out so bad that I slept with my that night. But maybe I'm just a baby. My I get freaked out so bad because I'm Catholic. Or maybe because this is the SCARIEST FREAKING MOVIE OF ALL TIME!

So what were the films that you saw way too young? And are you permanently damaged from then now?

You Don't Mess With The Batman

2009-02-02T15:55:00.000-08:00

We all heard about Batman Christian Bale getting arrested for pushing his mother and sister around before a The Dark Knight premiere. Well apparantly, that isn't even the beginning of this guy's nasty temper. Gossip show TMZ got ahold of some audio in which Bale curses and screams at a crewmember on the set of Terminator Salvation. TMZ has known to fudge some stuff before, so nobody really knows the authenticity of this audio. But you can be the judge of that. Listen to the audio here.

So what do you think? Do you think this is fake? Or do you believe that Bale just has on helluva temper?

WTF: The Comedian Is On Grey's Anatomy

2009-01-29T15:19:00.001-08:00

So, last Thursday I sat down to my usual viewing of "The Office." It was a fantastically hilarious episode, as usual (see, "Hilary Swank: Hot or Not" debate,) but after it was over I was bored and had nothing else to do. One of my suitemates was off studying somewhere, and the other was doing her usual thing of partying and debauchery. Well, I picked myself up and walked myself next door to my friend KP's room. When I walked in, I discovered that she was immersed in an episode of "Grey's Anatomy." Now, I'm one of the few vagina-possessing creatures that doesn't really like this show. I find it unrealistic in that icky way. I myself have never had a smoking-hot doctor, nor have anyone I ever known ever gotten laid by their hot lady doctors.

But I digress.

I decided to watch anyway, and had KP talk me through what was happening. Which basically went like this:

"Okay, so he was a patient of hers and they fell in love and then he died... And now she's seeing his ghost and they slept together, although I don't know how you can sleep with a ghost... Oh and this kid is dying 'cause he can't get organs and I think he dies at the end of this episode... But anyway, this guy is in prison and he got sick and now she's taking care of him... Oh but the ghost guy is coming back for her cause it's like her time y'know what I'm saying?"

But again, I digress.

Anyway, while I was trying to muscle my way past Katharing Heigl's bad acting, I noticed that her ghostly lover was in fact Jeffrey Dean Morgan-- the guy who plays the Comedian in the upcoming Watchmen film! How awkward is that? Upon realizing this, I simply turned around to KP and said, "Y'know they killed him off to give him an actual acting career right?" Which was kinda mean.

But it is quite odd that he went from being the "sensitive, dying guy" to a total badass, cigar-smoking, manly hot, vigilante. Given his semi-pained look throughout the episode, I think he fits in more with the latter. All I can say is thank God for Zack Snyder and Warner Brothers for pulling him out of that dreck that is "Grey's Anatomy."

So that was your "WTF Moment of the Day."

Random Fact of the Day

2009-01-26T11:38:00.000-08:00

Chinese filmmakers in Hong Kong are preparing to make the world's first 3-D pornographic film. The film, which is entitled 3-D Sex and Zen, will be released to wide audiences in China. It is budgeted for $4 million and is projected to be released in April.

Hmm...

Well, I guess since China is leading the world's economy and industry right now that they have a lot of extra money to spend on crap like this.

Oscar Nominations Are Here!

2009-01-22T12:03:00.000-08:00

It's Oscar time ladies and gentlemen! It's been a long and arduous journey for some, while for others this is just another day at the rodeo. But this Oscar night is shaping up to be a great one! Here are the nominations for the main categories, my predictions for winners, my fantasy picks, and who I thought got snubbed.

Best Picture:
The Curious Case of Benjamin Button
Frost/Nixon
Milk
The Reader
Slumdog Millionare
Projected Win: Slumdog Millionare
My Pick: The Curious Case of Benjamin Button
Epic Snub: The Dark Knight

Best Director:
Danny Boyle (Slumdog Millionare)
David Fincher (The Curious Case of Benjamin Button)
Ron Howard (Frost/Nixon)
Gus Van Sant (Milk)
Stephen Daldry (The Reader)
Projected Win: Danny Boyle
My Pick: David Fincher
Epic Snub: Christopher Nolan (The Dark Knight)

Best Actor:
Frank Langella (Frost/Nixon)
Brad Pitt (The Curious Case of Benjamin Button)
Richard Jenkins (The Visitor)
Sean Penn (Milk)
Mickey Rourke (The Wrestler)
Projected Win: Sean Penn
My Pick: Mickey Rourke
Epic Snub: I don't really have one.

Best Actress:
Kate Winslet (The Reader)
Anne Hathaway (Rachel Getting Married)
Melissa Leo (Frozen River)
Angelina Jolie (Changeling)
Meryl Streep (Doubt)
Projected Win: Kate Winslet
My Pick: Kate Winslet
Epic Snub: Cate Blanchette (The Curious Case of Benjamin)

Best Supporting Actor:
Heath Ledger (The Dark Knight)
Robert Downey Jr. (Tropic Thunder)
Josh Brolin (Milk)
Phillip Seymour Hoffman (Doubt)
Michael Shannon (The Reader)
Projected Win: Heath Ledger
My Pick: I'm calling this a tie between Heath and Robert Downey Jr.
Epic Snub: James Franco (Pineapple Express)

Best Supporting Actress:
Amy Adams (Doubt)
Taraji P. Henson (The Curious Case of Benjamin Button)
Penelope Cruz (Vicky Christina Barcelona)
Viola Davis (Doubt)
Marisa Tomei (The Wrestler)
Projected Win: Marisa Tomei
My Pick: Penelope Cruz
Epic Snub: Kate Winslet (Revolutionary Road)

Best Original Screenplay:
Frozen River
Happy-Go-Lucky
In Bruges
WALL-E
Milk
Projected Win: WALL-E
My Pick: In Bruges

Best Adapted Screenplay:
The Curious Case of Benjamin Button
Doubt
Frost/Nixon
The Reader
Slumdog Millionare
Projected Win: Slumdog Millionare
My Pick: The Curious Case of Benjamin Button
Epic Snub: The Dark Knight

Best Animated Feature:
WALL-E
Bolt
Kung-Fu Panda
Projected Win: WALL-E
My Pick: Kung-Fu Panda

Five Best Guilty Pleasure TV Shows

2009-01-22T11:54:00.000-08:00

There are certain things that people enjoy that they don't want other people to know about. Take for example, Rick Astley. He's an annoying little British ginger kid who just happen to make one of the catchiest tunes of the eighties. Everyone loves "Never Gonna Give You Up." Absolutely everyone. Chuck Norris listens to it while he's having sex, that's how good it is to get Rick-rolled. But I digress. Rick Astley is a prime example of a "guilty pleasure," something that everyone loves but they just won't admit to it. Television is a land that is chock full of guilty pleasures that are just waiting to be mined and used by the masses of viewers! Here are a few of the best guilty pleasure shows on television:

#5 "Metalocalypse"
Spinal Tap For The Youngins: I was watching this on Adult Swim one night when my roommate came in from work, stopped, stared at the TV for a few seconds, and then turned to me and said: "What the hell are you watching?" Naturally I flipped the channel and said, "Nothing, I was just flipping through." That should say enought about this show. "Metalocalypse" is so utterly vile, so demented, so violent, that one has to be a little nutsy (or a massive metal fan) to be able to understand and enjoy it. I'm such a fan to this show that I even have the fictional band's real album-- Dethklok, the Dethablum. Pretty sad, huh?

#4 "Law and Order: SVU"
Kinda Like "CSI: Miami," Only No Horatio: And what kind of murder/rape-crime show is complete without Horatio, you ask? Well my answer is one that replaces him with Ice-T, Jayne Mansfield's daughter, a kinda-hot older dude, a gay Asian pychiatrist, Short-Skirt Lawyer Lady, and the most neurotic Jewish guy alive (right behind Woody Allen) Richard Belzer. This show is sometimes so self-righteous, so serious, that it makes fun of itself. But that's not what makes this a guilty pleasure. What makes this a guilty pleasure is the fact that when there's a marathon on USA, you have to watch. You just have to. And when you're done, the mentality you have is "Dude, I could totally get away with a crime now! I know exactly what not to do!" Admit it-- we've all thought that way at least once after watching a crime show.

#3 "America's Next Top Model"
FIERCE! Oh, Tyra Banks...where would we be today without your knowledge? You taught us how to "smile with your eyes" and how to be rockin' and fierce! You and your cohorts like the Jays gave us so many memorable lines, such as:

"Girl, work it like it's on sale and the rent is due tomorrow!"

Oh, and who can ever forget those ever-memorable Tyra freak outs? Like in Cycle 6 when you went ape-shit on Tiffany. Don't these skinny bitches know to never talk back to the Red Weave of Death? Oh, and the Jays-- the two most flamboyantly, flaming homosexuals in television history. How we love them. Mr. Jay with his fabulous Oompa-Loompa orange tan and silver hair and Miss J with his/her gorgeous walks and ghetto fabulosity. All this culminates into one big, fat, luxurious camp shake that we just enjoy slurping up. In fact, ANTM is so over-the-top, so self-righteous, so Tyra-centered, that's what makes it a fantastic guilty pleasure.

#2 Vintage Cartoons
How Did They Get Away With That? Remember those halcyon days of old? Saturday mornings spent in front of the TV with a bowl of Froot-Loops and your cartoon friends to keep you company...ah, yes, those were the good old days. Growing up, our generation had the best cartoons to go on: "Cow and Chicken," "Captain Planet," "Spongebob Squarepants," "Powerpuff Girls," "Batman: The Animated Series," "Johnny Bravo," "Dexter's Laboratory," "June Bugs," so on and so forth. But the great thing about these cartoons is that they're still funny to this day! I sat all Monday and watch a twenty-four hour "Powerpuff Girl" marathon and laughed my ass off the entire time. Of course, I'd never admit that to any of my fellow college students. The best part about old cartoons is that now that we're older, we catch subtle innuendos that we never would have when we were young. Some of the stuff in these cartoons just made me go "How the heck did they get away with that?"

#1 "Rock of Love With Bret Michaels"
Dirty, Dirty Awesomeness: What can I say? I love skanky hoes trying to get with an aging rock star with bad extensions! This show is so utterly terrible and vile that it is playing a key role in the downfall of Western civilation itself-- but it's so damn addictive! Over three seasons, we've had strippers, porn stars, rodeo girls, and "innocent" girls all vye for the heart of former Poison frontman Bret Michaels. Of course, there have been catfights. One or two girls may have been called a "d***sucker whorebag" on a few occasions. There have beens drunken debauches and many of those black-bar things scattered across bare boobs on-screen. And sure, after we watch it we feel as if we need a shower to wash off all the mainstream, corporate, mind-numbing dreck of it all. But man, we just wanna find out if Bret's ever gonna find true love or not. The utter stupidity and whoreishness of "Rock of Love" is what earns this show the number one spot.

Ten Great Foreign Films

2009-01-21T15:44:00.000-08:00

For years, other countries have led the way in filmmaking. During a time when kissing wasn't even allowed on American screens, European countries were making films like I Am Curious (Yellow) and Ecstasy. In a modern period of so-called "American Horror" filmmaking, the asians are making some of the scariest films ever dreamt up. Yes, it seems that foreign filmmakers are always a step ahead of American filmmakers. Here is a showcase of some of the best foreign films made. *Oh, and production note: I didn't have alot of the codes to do the accent marks on these foreign titles, so they might not be the exact spelling. Sorry guys!*

#10 Le Souffle a Coeur (A Murmur of the Heart)
Country of Origin: France
Plot: After a 14 year-old boy is found to have a heart murmur, he and his mother go to live in a sanatorium in bourgeios France. He and his mother grow closer as he comes into age, and he begins to experience his first feelings of love, loss, and lust.
Tres Bien! This is an especially odd coming-of-age story. It was made in the 70's when everything was that Free Love stuff and y'know, anything goes. There's some pretty racy stuff going on here (i.e. underage sexual situations, incest, and Ginger nudity) but if you can look past all of that, it's an amazingly emotional story. Watch a clip here!

#9 Lola Rennt (Run Lola Run)
Country of Origin: Germany
Plot: Lola is an ordinary young woman put into extraordinary circumstances. In order to save her boyfriend Manni's life, she must find a way to retrieve 100,000 markes (dollars) in 20 minutes.
Spannend! Told in non-linear story lines, this film is an action-packed nail-biter that will keep you on the edge of your seat. It is told with three alternate results that all somehow connect, but who all end differently. This film is perfect for the movie-goer who wants a little something different out of their action films.

#8 Det sjunde inseglet (The Seventh Seal)
Country of Origin: Sweden
Plot: What would you do in order to beat Death? Knight Antonius Block is willing to play the ethereal master of fate in chess in order to buy himself some time to see his wife. During their game, all knight, death, and squire encounter several events that reveal to them that they have not lived a life wasted.
Klassiker! This is considered one of the best-made films in the history of cinema. I have to say, it is done quite nicely. This supernatural drama is a wonderful look at the value of life, and of a life well-lived. Also, Death looks really cool.

#7 Rashomon (In A Grove)
Country of Origin: Japan
Plot: Four people recount the rape of a young woman and the murder of her husband. All of the stories are contradictory of each other, leaving the viewer to be judge and jury.
Hentenko ken Imaimashii! This movie set the bar for both Japanese and American filmmakers. After Rashomon, all Asian filmmakers flocked to edgy movies and haven't looked back since. If you're a fan of Asian films, or if you're looking to get into them then this is the film for you.

#6 Haxan (The Witches)
Country of Origin: Sweden/Danish
Plot: A "true" study of witchcraft through the ages, this film is based on the Malleus Maleficarum, or "Hammer of the Witches"-- a manual on how to deal with sorceresses that was publish during the Inquisition.
Bisarr! This Scandinavian film was actually banned in the U.S. because of "graphic depictions of witchcraft, sexuality, and nudity." The silent film was supposed to be a propaganda film warning the public against the lure of evil-- kind of like the American film Reefer Madness.

#5 Y tu Mama Tambien (And Your Mother Too)
Country of Origin: Mexico
Plot: Set against the political turmoil of Mexican government, two young men find themselves on a road trip across their native country.
Un pelicula muy atractiva! Sexy, thought-provoking, funny, and beautifully shot. What more could a viewer ask for?

#4 Nosferatu: Eins Symphonie des Grauens (Nosferatu: A Symphony of Terror)
Country of Origin: Germany
Plot: Evil has risen out of the grave, and it's name is nosferatu. The vampire Orlok has set his sights on a young woman named Lucy and it's up to a few brave men to stop the demon.
Du kannst mich mal, Twilight! Before there was Edward, before there was Satanico, before Gary Oldman as Dracula, there was Count Orlok. Nosferatu is the preemptive vampire film-- the creme de la creme, the king of vampire movies. Frightening even to this day, Max Schreck's eerie performance stands the test of time by continuing to haunt audiences around the world.

#3 Irreversible
Country of Origin: France
Plot: Told in a completely backward timeline, two friends go on a quest to find the man called le Tenia (literally, The Tapeworm) in a effort to seek revenge for the girl he raped earlier that night.
Entier! This film is not one for the weak of heart, nor for the average film-goer. This film was called "The Most Walked Out Movie At Cannes"-- but not because of bad filmmaking, but because of the realism of it's content. Besides being wonderfully shot using intense colors and camera work, this film treats its viewers as if they are just part of the experience. The most hard-hitting part of the film is the rape of the girl Alex (played by Monica Bellucci.) The scene itself depicts is a nine-minute, one-shot, uncut, gut-wrenching, realistic portrayal of a rape. Several time-tested critics had to leave the theatre in shock and emotion at the scene, proclaiming it to be "too real." My friends, if you think you know torture, gore, or intensity, think again-- this film will almost certainly set you aback.

#2 Ladri di biciclette (The Bicycle Thief)
Country of Origin: Italy
Plot: In a beautifully-spun tale of poverty and the desperation it instills in people, a young couple must do what they can to survive-- even if this means selling wedding sheets and stealing bicycles.
Classico! Bicycle Thief is often cited as many filmmaker's most inspiring film. It certainly a beautiful tale of the human condition. The beautiful Italian language also ties this film together, making almost like a spoken-word opera.

#1 A Bout de Souffle (Breathless)
Country of Origin: France
Plot: Michel is a punk. But just not any kind of punk. A charming punk. Using this charm, he manages to trick his American girlfriend Patricia into hiding him from the police. In this awkward reunion, the two reconnect in a way that they never had before.
Jolie chose! This is such a wonderfully-film. Director Jean-Luc Godard made beautiful use of jump cuts and other cinematic devises. Jean Seberg is a wonderful leading lady, peppering the film with moments of innocence, ignorance, and playfulness. In contrast to her is Jean-Paul Belmondo as the conniving Michel. They play off of each other fantastically-- chemistry is abundant on-screen. This film is a gorgeous telling of love and the lies it leads us to. A perfect comedy/romance/crime-drama for any generation!

Commercials We Wish Would Go Away

2009-01-20T12:31:00.000-08:00

It's the new year folks. It's almost time for the Superbowl which means two things: football and coporate whoreishness. Now that it's almost time for all those Superbowl commercials, I think it time for some other commercials to throw in the towel. Here are my suggestions:

#5 Whopper Jr.
You gotta admit, Burger King comes up with some pretty original ad campaigns. Most recently we've had the Whopper Virgins (which sounds like a bad porno name to me) and the Angry Onion commercials. But they need to seriously retire the angsty Whopper Jr. bit. It got old really fast. Hey Whopper Jr., remember that whole "I wish I'd never been broiled!" bit...well we wish that too.

#4 Geico Cavemen
C'mon you guys...you made a doomed sitcom out of your commercials...isn't that enough? After said sitcom died, why did you have to go back to making those god-awful commercials? Shouldn't that have told you something? Something like, "The caveman's dead. Stick with the CG gecko." Hmm? I dunno, whatever keeps those dudes working.

#3 Cash For Gold
"I had no idea that my gold jewelry was worth so much money!" Is that so? Then maybe you shouldn't be trusting some quick-cash mail-in scam, dip-stick. The utter stupidity of the people that they get to "testify" in the commercials is staggering to me.

#2 The Snuggie
Ugh...how it pains me to even type the word Snuggie. It's basically just a backless hospital gown/blanket combination. It's like someone stole a Jedi's robe and scissored it up the back. But really, who's that much of a lazy bastard that they just won't put on a hoodie or something? The quote about having to free up your arms and get them cold with a blanket, really? It's not like you're living in the Antarctic and if you have to use your arms outside of the blanket they're gonna freeze off. And the worst about these commercials is they actually show people wearing these hideous contraptions in public. No one, I repeat, no one in their right mind would wear a Snuggie out of their house. In fact, don't wear one period-- Snuggies steal your soul.

#1 Any and All Erectile Dysfunction Medication Commercials
WE GET IT! Your penis doesn't work! Stop telling us about it by hiring some guy called Smilin' Bob to hawk your product for you! Or by massacring a classic Elvis song like "Viva Las Vegas" to say "Viva Viagra!" We don't wanna know Levitra that you can last up to 48 hours! Ew! And I'm sorry, but if you have a boner that lasts more than four hours, you shouldn't call a doctor, you should call a brothel cause buddy you're in for a great time. But just don't tell us about it. This goes for herpes treatment commercials and for any period-related media as well. Do your advertising via magazines and internet-- not the television that the whole family watches.

Ten Must-See Documentaries

2009-01-20T08:51:00.000-08:00

You asked for it (well, Ryan did at least) and here it is. The list of the ten best documentaries I've ever seen. Granted, it's always hit-or-miss with documentaries but these are the creme-de-la-creme, so go out and find them today! Expand your minds, kiddies!

#10 No Direction Home
Plot: This documentary follows the life of legendary folk musician Bob Dylan. From his arrival in New York City to his high-profile "retirement" from touring in 1966, this Scorsese-directed journey gives the audience an insight into the mysterious and influential young man.
Why It's A Must-See: Any music fan will love this documentary. Dylan is one of the most influential musicians in the world and the messages in his songs transcend generations of fans. The fact that we are allowed a peek into the artistic mind of this man is reason alone to want to see this film. Not to mention it was directed by the great Martin Scorsese.

#9 A Personal Journey With Martin Scorsese Through American Movies
Plot: Legendary director Martin Scorsese recalls some of his favorite films and how they inspired him in his childhood and young adult life.
Why It's A Must-See: Martin Scorsese is a brilliant director, and to see and hear how his inner mind works is absolutely riveting. His love for movies staggers even the biggest part of film buff in me. It's simply amazing to hear him so tenderly speak of the movies he loves to watch over and over again.

#8 Grizzly Man
Plot: This film is compiled of video footage shot by wild-life enthusiast Timothy Treadwell who, out of his love for Grizzly bears, decided to live among them for thirteen seasons.
Why It's A Must-See: Okay, I'll admit, I have this in here for a few contradictory reasons. First, it's a good hippie movie. If you love nature and wildlife, it's a good ride for you. Second, it's unintentionally funny. I mean, this guy starts to go nuts toward the end, and embedded in that granola-crunching, nature-loving, bear-cuddling, madness is pure comedy genius. He even created a popular meme and became the Chris Crocker for bears. Oh, and did I mention that he got eaten by the bears he was living with? Irony!

#7 Larry Flynt: The Right To Be Left Alone
Plot: This documentary follows the life of legendary smut magnate Larry Flynt, creator of Penthouse magazine.
Why It's A Must-See: As a girl, I shouldn't be saying "Oh, a documentary about a Porn King is thought-provoking and interesting!" But I am. This documentary follows Flynt's continuous battle for First Amendment rights and the quote-unquote "right to be left the hell alone." This film will give you a new look on freedom of press and just how far one American can take it.

Indie Sex: Censored, Teens, Taboo, and Extremes
Plot: This IFC-sponsored documentary, four-part mini-series follows the journey of sex on-screen in both independent and mainstream films. Filmmakers such as James Cameron Mitchell, John Waters, and Atom Eyogan give their insight on sex and the art of film.
Why It's A Must-See: Sex is always interesting, whether you want to admit it or not. The journey that some of these filmmakers have made with sex in movies is a long and arduous one-- all of done in the name of art. This film could possibly make you see sex in film a totally different way: as art. Filmmakers, artists and actors give their views on sex in cinema here at IFC.com. But ultimately it's up to the audience to decide-- sex: part of filmmaking or just exploitation?

#5 Taxi To The Dark Side
Plot: Take a journey to the dark side of America's military forces. See what really goes on behind prison camps closed doors. This riveting tale asks the question, "When are American soldiers crossing the line in interrogation?"
Why It's A Must-See: If you've ever wondered when scare tactics cross over into sheer sadism, this is the film for you. Taxi shows us an inside look on American-run POW camps like Guantanomo Bay, and shows us for the first time what really happened in the Abu Ghraib prison. If you've ever felt some kind of pang for the value of human life-- this is the film for you.

#4 The Drug Years
Plot: When drugs hit the US scene in the 1960's, American youth never looked back. This VH1 Rockumentary chronicles the invention, use, and popularity of LSD, marijuana, heroin, and every other All-American drug that ever got us high.
Why It's A Must-See: Drugs, sex, and rock-n-roll is a time-tested Grade-A good time guaranteed. This is no exception. This mini-series shows the halcyon days of innocence when all drugs were was "a little bit of puff and some LSD" as if they were the better times. In a moment of drug-justification, the filmmaker makes us long for the days of that Summer of Love innocence and enlightenment. It makes us wanna trade the blood-riddled meth and cocaine of today for the good-intentioned blotter acid of Then and that, my friends, is what makes this documentary so great: it makes the viewer long for a simpler drug world.

#3 At The Death House Door
Plot: This film delicately documents the lives of Pastor Carroll Pickett and Carlos De Luna, whose existences intertwine at the Walls prison unit in Hunstville Texas. De Luna, a man wrongly convicted and sentenced to death, confided in Pickett, the "death house" pastor who gave peace to men on death row in their last hours.
Why It's A Must-See: Whether you're for or against the death penalty, this film will definitely make you rethink the American justice system. De Luna was presumed, posthumously, that he was indeed innocent--meaning that the state of Texas had murdered an innocent man. This fact still haunts Pickett, a 15-year veteran of the Death House, and the message this film leaves will also haunt you.

#2 Year of the Yao
Plot: Twenty-one year-old Yao Ming transferred from China to the Houston Rockets in 2002, and the transition was not an easy one. Yao spoke next to no English, was younger than most of his teammates, and had never been to the US before. With the help of a young translator, Colin Pine, Yao manages to settle down in America and become one of the biggest basketball phenomenons of the decade.
Why It's A Must-See: This lighthearted documentary is a fun look into the life of basketball phenom Yao Ming. We never get to see much of the big guy (and by big, I mean 7 foot 6 inches big) outside of the courts, so seeing him as a normal person with his friends is family is a nice change. Basketball fans will love the chronicling of his early days in China, to his rocky start in Houston, to his dominance in the game today. Unlike most documentaries that focus on catastrophic, depressing, or terrible events, this is just your good old-fashioned, feel-good, success story!

#1 Born Into Brothels
Plot: This 2004, Academy Award-winning documentary tells the tale of Calcutta, India's red-light kids-- the sons and daughters of prostitutes. In an attempt to let these children escape from their grim reality, they are given cameras and told to take photographs of their surroundings. The raw talent these kids possessed helped to raise them up out of the brothels and into a brighter, better world.
Why It's A Must-See: In a word: inspiring. These children, who are born with nothing, take simple pleasures in photographing what they see in life around them. Through these photographs, they help change both our perceptions and their own. This film is bound to open your eyes to the poor conditions in third-world countries like India. You can see some of the children's works here.

Ten Cutest Bromances

2009-01-19T11:51:00.000-08:00

bromance (n.)-- a non-sexual relationship between two unusually close males

Everyone loves a good bromance. Every guy has had one. These bromances are the ones that took us by the heartstrings and tugged males into a good man-cry.

#10 Saul Silver and Dale Denton

Film: Pineapple Express

Bromanticity: These guys were just plain cute together. I mean, really, who doesn't love a sweet pair of stoners? But you could tell that these guys truly loved each other: Dale saved Saul from a giant weed explosion, Saul sold Dave the best herb in the U.S., and the two stuck together in times of crisis involving Chinese drug lords.

#9 Butch and Sundance

Film: Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid

Bromantic: Ah, the Old West. A time of rugged manliness, a time of sheriffs and outlaws, and a time of perfectly straight cowboy bromances. And at the pinnacle of this straight-cowboy love totem is the dynamic (and unbearably cute) duo of Butch and Sundance. These two were just inseparable the entire movie: they robbed together, loved the same girl, and even went out together. Classic.

#8 Turk and J.D.

TV Show: "Scrubs"

Bromantic: They wrote a song about guy love. What more can we say? Plus, interracial bromance is always cute. As J.D. would say, "I love you, Chocolate Bear."

#7 Seth and Evan

Film: Superbad

Bromantic: What's better than two horny nerds trying to get laid their last week together? Nothing! It's the American Dream! That's why we love these two: because Seth and Evan remind all of us of that guy couple that we went to school with. Remember that whole "I love you. *pokes his nose* Boop." scene? Yeah, that scene was the epitome of geek bromance.

#6 Dwight Shrute and Michael Scott

TV Shows: "The Office"

Bromantic: Where would Michael be without Dwight? Lost, I say. More lost than he is now at least. Which means he'd probably be dead. And where would Dwight be without Michael? Alone, without a friend in the world. Let's face it-- these two need each other. TV world wouldn't be the same without these two. It's like a world where Jim and Pam didn't get together. Ooh, just scary thinking about it.

#5 Michael Scott and Ryan Howard

TV Show: "The Office"

Bromantic: Okay, so I listed two "Office" bromances on here-- big deal! So this bromance might be a little one-sided-- so what! You have to admit that the love Michael exudes for Ryan is sweet (albeit, a little annoying.) Even when Ryan almost burned down the office (Ryan started the fire!), and then got caught for fraud, and all the other dicky stuff Ryan tends to do, Michael sticks with him thick and thin. *Sniffles* That's true bromance, folks.

#4 Ron Burgundy and Baxter

Film: Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy

Bromantic: Contrary to popular belief, bromance does extend to the animal world as well. The love normally self-centered Ron Burgundy showed for his dog Baxter is just plain heartwarming. They have intelligent conversations, they wear matching outfits, and they're always there for each other-- dog truly is man's best friend!

#3 Jay and Silent Bob

Film: Dogma, Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back, Clerks I and II.

Bromantic: The chemistry these two have is staggering: Jay's the mouth and Bob's the brains. These two do everything together: smoke weed, get girls (or at least try), and even save the world from destructive angels. Although they affectionately degrade each other occasionally, these two have a love for each other that other men only dream that they could have.

#2 Frodo and Sam

Film: Lord of the Rings

Bromantic: This was probably the original bromance. It took place long, long ago in a place called Middle Earth and it was awesome. All it took was hordes of evil armies, two hairy-footed little hobbits, and one little bastard of a gold ring to bring legions of nerdy guys together in common love for this bromance. Sure these two half-pints were the brunt of many a gay joke, and sure they were ridiculed for their less-than-heroic moments on the journey, but did that stop them from loving each other (in a totally non-homosexual way?) No, it didn't. And for that Frodo and Sam, we nerds around the world salute you.

#1 Cool Hand Luke and Dragline

Film: Cool Hand Luke

Bromantic: What guy wouldn't have a massive man-crush on Paul Newman? He's like the prettier version of Steve McQueen! But the lucky guy Cool Hand Luke chose for his bro was big ol' sweaty Dragline. Dragline's the best bromance buddy a guy can ask for: he protects him, he supports him in his biggest challenges, and he just plain loves the guy! He is always by the side of "his darlin' baby Luke." Luke, in turn, includes Dragline as his right-hand man in all his little schemes and plans.

Hee

2009-01-15T12:49:00.001-08:00

No post. Just simple truth and hilarity.

How Pathetic Am I?

2009-01-15T10:11:00.000-08:00

The answer: very. I realized this early this morning when I went to class. One of my friends Kara asked me if I was going out with her and a bunch of other people to a club called "The Buzz" (Yeah, I know, how appropriate is that name? It's like, right next door is the club called "Slightly Inebriated" and across the street is the ever-popular haunt "Shit-Faced") Begrudgingly, I said yes. I'll repeat: Begrudgingly. I said yes. BEGRUDGINGLY.

Holy ass. I am a nineteen year old college freshman, and I am already loathing the fact that my friends are making me go out to party. How much further down on the loserdom scale can I possibly slide? I mean honestly, I'm squeezed in there between that Numa-Numa guy and Jennifer Wilbanks. I'm the true definition of homebody.

These are my defenses for not going out:
A.) They go out on Thursdays, and that's when new episodes of "The Office" comes on.
B.) I have 9 o'clock classes. I may be a morning person, but not that much of a morning person. I'm not built to stay up til' three in the morning and then get up at the ass-crack of dawn to go learn Spanish.
C.) I can't dance. The only thing you can do at these places are drink and dance. I'm not legally allowed to do the first one and I can't do the latter. I'm screwed both ways.
D.) I'm not gonna know many people there. And it's kind of hard to make conversation with other people when they're either drunk or attached to the face of someone else.
E.) I'm BROKE. As usual. So what's the point of paying ten bucks to get into a place where all I'm gonna do is sit around and stare at drunk people grinding against other drunk people?

I'm not bashing clubs-- they're fun most of the time! I'm just saying that tonight, I'm not really in the mood. But alas...the fates frown upon me and are putting me in quite a pickle: either go and suffer through the night, or stay at home and piss off your friends.

So what to do? What to do? My suite-mate is already thinking I'm gonna flake out on her... Well just call me Corn-Flake, kiddo!

That's my rant for the day.

A Little Article I Wrote For The Pine Burr

2009-01-15T10:06:00.000-08:00

Here's a little article I wrote for the Pine Burr. I figured since it's anti-Twilight related that I'd post it here. Enjoy.

The Southern “Twilight”
by Taylor Meyers

As most of the free world is aware, there is an epidemic of “Twilight-mania” spreading amongst the modern youth. This vampire series, penned by Stephanie Meyer, tells the story of a young mortal girl who meets the ridiculously good-looking vampire Edward. Promptly, the two fall in love, drama ensues, and (per usual) true love overcomes. Unsurprisingly, these books became overnight best sellers.

But there is another series of vampire stories that are making their way out of the proverbial shadows and into the light of the mainstream: The Sookie Stackhouse Novels by southern belle Charlaine Harris. Harris’s books were first published in 2001, making a small but effective ripple in the world of written fiction. In 2008, her books were adapted for the small screen in the HBO series “True Blood”, which became an instant success. With the success of “True Blood” came the revitalization of the books, and now that people are taking notice, it seems that “Twilight” might just have some competition.

Charlaine Harris’s novels spin us a beautifully-told yarn of Sookie Stackhouse, an ordinary girl with an extraordinary attribute. The small-town cocktail waitress was born with the ability to read minds, and in a world where vampires, werewolves, and other mythical creatures exist, this power is often both a gift and a curse. The stories take place in the small Louisiana town of Bon Temps, where (much like Summit) everyone knows exactly what everyone else is up to. In a world where vampires have recently made themselves known to mortals, knowing everyone’s business can be very dangerous. Strange things start to happen in Bon Temps—vampires start going missing, shape shifters are being picked off by a sniper, witches start to attack vampire leaders—and it’s up to Sookie and her gang of unusual friends to figure out who’s behind these bizarre crimes.

Harris’s novels are a refreshing and humourous new take on vampire mythology. These mysteries, which are interwoven with Southern humour and culture follow traditional vampire legend but also add their own spice to the mix. Vampires—instead of sparkling—prefer to go bar-hopping, werewolves are political powerhouses in the small towns they inhabit, and faeries are full-sized and unbelievably beautiful beings. Unlike the “Twilight” series, not everything is always sullen, serious business—in the Harris novels, the reader is bound to get a good laugh. But for the girls out there who are looking for a love story, well these books have got that too. Harris walks us through Sookie’s relationship will Bill Compton, a 157 year-old vampire. Like Bella and Edward, Sookie and Bill have their ups and downs, their good times and bad—and all experiencs are guaranteed to be strange ones.

The characters in Harris’s books are unique and unforgettable. Unlike in the “Twilight” novels, there are more mystical creatures in existence other than vampires and werewolves. Sookie’s boss and owner of the bar Merlotte’s is a shifter—a being that periodically shape-shifts into an animal. There are wild women call maenads that carry spiked staffs and attack people driving on country back-roads. There are even witches—malevolent, conniving folks who cannot be trusted by the simple people of Bon Temps. All these weird, wild, and wooly creatures culminate in wonderfully colorful tales told only the way a true Southerner can.

All of these fantastic factors culminate into a great series of vampire fiction. I wholly believe that if you are a fan of the “Twilight” series—or if you just enjoy vampire fiction in general—that you will love the Charlaine Harris Sookie Stackhouse Novels. You can find the titles here in McComb, at Books-A-Million in the mall. So go check out these titles today!

Charlaine Harris Sookie Stackhouse Novels:
Dead Until Dark
Living Dead In Dallas
Club Dead
Dead to the World
Dead as a Doornail
Definitely Dead
All Together Dead

Review: The Curious Case of Benjamin Button

2009-01-11T16:49:00.001-08:00

Hands down, one of the best-made films of the new year and of 2008. Simply put: beautifully done. David Fincher's films just get better and better.

Benjamin Button was quite a departure from Fincher, who has been the mastermind behind cinematic jewels such as Fight Club, Zodiac, and Se7en. Benjamin Button is the drama/romance/fantasy story of a man who ages backwards. Born to a father who doesn't want him, Benjamin is raised by a young couple who runs a nursing home in 1930's New Orleans. At the age of five, he meets the love of his life-- a young ballerina named Daisy. As time rolls on, Daisy and Benjamin are faced with the hardships of life: both normal and unusual. We the audience are taken along the road of history and life, as told through Benjamin's eyes.

Now that we're done with the synopsis, it's on to the criticism!

This is the first film in cinema history to be film entirely in digital, which I believe made it easier for Fincher to work with all the aging effects. The camera work and the colors will put you in awe. Camera work is typical, brilliant Fincher-- simplistic, but not infantile. Every shot is framed up beautifully, almost as if he was planning on each one to be a photo. The color is also tell-tale Fincher. The palette is saturated, but not to the point where it is overwhelming. It is like a beautiful telling of reality with a little notch up.

One of the most impressive factors of the film is pacing. The movie is extremely long-- about 2 hours and 15 minutes-- but the pacing is so well done that you don't even realize you've been in the theatre that long. You're never bored with a scene, nor are you confused. Absolutely. Perfect.

Special effects in this move are seamless. They literally took Brad Pitt's digitally-aged head and stuck it on a kids aged body. I don't know how they did it, but it look awesome. I'm not so big on CG stuff (meaning I don't know much about that stuff) but this got me all excited.

Acting, of course, is well done. There are several unique characters Fincher invented for Benjamin to meet and the actors portraying these people are fantastic. Cate Blanchette balances the audience love/hate thing well for her character Daisy, as well as giving a believable performance as a woman faced with the inevitability of a doomed love. Brad Pitt does what Brad Pitt does best and manages to draw you in (not only with his looks) but with his stoic performances. He plays the perfect New Orleans gentlemen, from his fedora-topped head down to his winged-tipped loafers. Other, more minor characters, also earn merit for their small parts. Tilda Swinton plays perfectly as Benjamin's old flame, Elizabeth and Jared Harris is a brilliant and lewd comic-relief as Captain Mike.

As far as I'm concerned, this film earned every single Golden Globe it was nominated for. It's a beautiful, human, heartwrenching tale of love, loss, and (ultimately) the lives we choose to lead.

Upcoming Superhero Films: You Cast 'Em!

2009-01-09T11:35:00.000-08:00

So in recent news, it has been announced that--because of those bastards over at Fox-- that Warner Brothers is putting a hold on production of all their DC superhero films. These films were set to usher in superheroes like Wonder Woman, Superman, the Flash, and Supermax.
Other studios are also attempting to launch superhero movies such as Captain America and Thor.

I'm taking this opportunity to give my opinion on casting. Some of these may seem far-fetched, but hear me out!

Wonder Woman: Carla Gugino (Sin City, Watchmen)
Superman: Brandon Routh (meh, he's a pretty okay Superman)
The Green Lantern: Derek Luke (Friday Night Lights)
The Flash: Ryan Reynolds has always been my choice. But now that he's Deadpool, I dunno if he can play the flash as well...
Supermax: Taylor Lautner (Twilight)
Captain America: Brad Pitt (yeah, that's a little bit of a casting fantasy for me)
Thor: Garrett Hedlund (Friday Night Lights, Troy), Charlie Hunnam (Sons of Anarchy, Cold Mountain)

In wake of The Dark Knight fans have been waiting on bated breath to hear about the third installment of Nolan's fantastic franchise. We've heard realistic casting rumours such as Johnny Depp as the Riddler, Rachel Weisz as Catwoman, and Phillip Seymour Hoffman as The Penguin. Some of our fantasies came true when we heard the Angelina Jolie was going to be Catwoman, and some of us just laughed our asses off when we heard Eddie Murphy wanted to be the Riddler. Well, now it's our turn. Here's my ideas for villians and casting:

The Riddler: Johnny Depp. What can I say, he's perfect for this role!
The Penguin: Philip Seymour Hoffman. He makes for a pretty good villain.
Catwoman: I dunno. This is a toughie. I'd have to leave this up to Nolan.
Poison Ivy: Bryce Dallas Howard, Tilda Swinton (ooh, she'd be a creepy Poison Ivy)
Killer Croc: Isaac C. Singleton Jr. (Pirates of the Caribbean)

So there ya go. That's my fantasy casting for these future superhero films. Now, I wanna know who ya'll would want to be cast in some of these roles. So go comment kiddies!

Top Ten Movie Heroes and Villains

2009-01-08T11:49:00.000-08:00

#10 Hero: Indiana Jones
Why He's A Hero: He's book-smart, he's tough, he's a smartass, and he always gets the girl. Plus, he's a big softy when it comes to ancient relics. Instead of hocking them on the black market, he diligently proclaims that "it belongs in a museum." *Sigh* We love you Dr. Jones.

#10 Villain: The Wicked Witch of The West

Villainous One-Liner: "I'll get you my pretty! And your little dog too!" Hates little farm girls and small animals-- you can't get much meaner than that. Plus, she's green! When someone is green, you know that they're pretty villainous.

#9 Hero: R.P. McMurphy
Heroic Qualities: Crazy, funny, sexy (in that early Jack Nicholson way,) and IRISH! He led a bunch of run-down, low-life, nuts against the proverbial "system" in Nurse Ratched. Everyone loves a rebel. How much more heroism to you need?!

#9 Villain: Bill Lumbergh
Why He's A Villain: The drawling voice, those loud ties, and that mug...what about this guy doesn't scream evil?! He makes Peter Gibbons work on weekends, refuses to get that damned copy machine fixed, and he took Milton's little red stapler.

# 8 Hero(es): The Fellowship of the Ring
Heroism 101: These guys showed us what the meaning of teammwork and heroism are-- and they did it in tights. The Fellowship managed to overcome racial differences (because dwarves don't roll with elves) and temptations (we're talking to you Boromir) and overthrew a big ol' evil eye. Impressive.

# 8 Villain: Sauron
Why He's Evil: He's an eye. Just an eye. That's it. And yet somehow he managed to gather armies around Middle Earth and wreak havoc on all good folks. That's pretty bad ass.

#7 Hero: Marv

An Unconventional Hero: Yeah, he's big. Yeah, he's ugly. And yeah, maybe he does get a little too violent sometimes. But, hey, that's why we love him! This Sin City hero won our hearts over with his soft spot for dames and made us cheer for the slightly dysfunctional underdog when he sought revenge for his hooker with a heart of gold. You go, Marv!

#7 Villain: Joan Crawford
Eyebrows of Evil: Go ahead, try looking at a wire hanger without thinking of Joan Crawford...you can't, can you? Not after seeing Mommie Dearest. This woman just eeked villian-- from her perfectly manicured toes all the way up to her hellaciously thick eyebrows. Holy hell, she could've took one of those off and beat you to death with it. Nothing screams evil like thick, dark eyebrows...

#6 Hero: Luke Skywalker
Why He's A Hero: Yeah, yeah, some say that Han Solo should be the hero but I tend to disagree. Luke took the ultimate hero's journey and discovered his ability to be a master Jedi, rejected the Dark Side, and ultimately saved his father's soul. Good for you Luke...good for you...

#6 Villain: Alex Forrest
My Personal Vendetta: Okay, so maybe I list her as a villain for personal reasons. But after Fatal Attraction men everywhere got the idea that blond, curly-headed women are absolutely psycho. And for that, I blame Alex Forrest. Glenn Close, you gave all of us curly-haired blondies a bad name. Shame. On. You.

#5 Hero: General George Patton

An American Hero: He's small, he's bald, he's pissed, and he's got a gun. He's the perfect American patriot! Who can forget that amazing speech he gave in front of the huge American flag? Who can even watch that scene without getting goosebumps? Simply amazing.

#5 Villain: William Longshanks
Best Villain In Tights: This Braveheart baddie managed to strike fear in our hearts all while wearing tights! Do you know how hard it is to take someone seriously when they're wearing tights?

#4 Hero: Cool Hand Luke
Why He's A Hero: The dude can eat fifty eggs in an hour. Fifty! Plus, he managed to rile together a rag-tag chain gang into one big bromance fest. Awesome.

#4 Villain: Humans in Bambi
Sucks To Be Us: C'mon, you have to admit that after you saw Bambi, you hated being human. All they did was kill poor Bambi's parents and wreak havoc on all the cuddly animals in the forest. Man, we just suck at life don't we?

#3 Hero: Rocky

What?: We couldn't understand a word this mush-mouth boxer said, but we just loved the way he said it! He was so great, that filmmakers found it necessary to make five more films about him. And all of em were ten kinds of awesome.

#3 Villain: Jack Torrance

Most Quoted/Parodied Line Ever: "Heeeeeeere's Johnny!!"

#2 Hero: James Bond

Sexiest Hero Ever: Don't think that someone can solve a crime and woo a foreign lady while simultaneously sporting an ungodly hairy chest? Think again.

#2 Villain: Hannibal Lector
Second Most Quoted/Parodies Line Ever: "I ate his liver with some fava beans and a nice Chianti."

#1 Hero: Batman
Why He's More Amazing Than Superman: This man changed my life. His is, quite possibly, the most awesome super hero that ever roamed the face of the fictional planet. He's smart, he's sexy, he's rich, and he fights crime! What more can anyone ask for? Superpowers? Pssh, who needs 'em? They're for those pussies like Superman. Plus, Batman doesn't need tights-- he already looks good.

#1 Villain: The Emperor

Creepy Guy In A Robe: No, it's not the Pope. Although they are eerily similar... But this guy orchestrated the fall of the Republic and personally built the Empire with his own two hands-- all by smooth-talking a bunch of aliens. Pretty villainous.

The Five Most Overrated Movies Ever

2009-01-08T09:54:00.000-08:00

So you ever hear about these movies that critics proclaim as "fantastic" and "the best movie of the year?" And you thought, "Really? That's what the critics think are cool? What the hell?" Well, these are those movies. Except I think that they are some of the most overrated films that have ever existed.

#5 The Notebook
Why It's Overrated: It's just one big ball of sickening, cheesetastic romance cliches. I'm probably the only thing with a uterus that hates this film and I catch flak for it from every girl I know. It's one terrible romantic cliche after another, for two friggin' hours: oh, he writes a letter every day of the year; oh, she's rich and her parents don't want her dating a poor guy; oh, they die together in the end. GIVE ME A BREAK! THAT DOES NOT HAPPEN I REAL LIFE! It's just one big farce that will never, ever happen to any of us in real life. And the worst part is that every being that possessed a vagina fell for it. Damn.
#4 Scarface
Why It's Overrated: Sorry all you dudes out there-- including all the rappers/gangstas. This movie is highly overrated to me. That's just my opinion, and I am prepared for your scathing comments. It was a badly written, badly filmed hunk o' violent crap that, for some odd reason, every dude likes. Being a fan of typical "dude movies" myself, I can understand violence and the word "f***" being said every two seconds, but c'mon it should at least be backed up with reason. Al Pacino is a fine actor, but if you wanna see some of his real work, go for Dog Day Afternoon, Heat or even Glengarry Glen Ross for God's sake. Even if you don't think that this film is overrated, you have to admit that it's the worst gangster film ever made.

#3 Monster's Ball
Why It's Overrated: I still don't understand why Halle Berry won a Best Actress Oscar for this film. I mean, she was against Ellen Burstyn and Laura Linney for crying out loud-- the women are stiff contenders! I just think this was a reason to show Halle Berry naked...again (I'm looking at you Swordfish.)

#2 2001: Space Oddysey
Why It's Overrated: Now, I'm guilty of loving this film. I really do like Space Odyssey-- but it's just so damn long and boring. It has its moments, and it has its memorable lines ("I'm afraid I can't allow that Dave.") and, at the time, it was a visual achievement. But still, why did Kubrick have to force us to sit through 20 grueling minutes of silent before anyone ever spoke? Every. Single. Time. That's why this film makes the list: for making the audience wanna scream "SOMETHING HAPPEN!" every long, boring minute.

#1 The Matrix
Why It's Overrated: This is quite possibly the most self-righteous movie ever. "Oh, look at us, we can do wire tricks! Oh we set the bar high for technology in movies in the nineties!" That still doesn't excuse a foggy plot and the fact Keanu Reeves is your leading man. I blame this film for a generation of computer geeks who still think they look good in leather. You don't dude. So stop it with the floor-length leather coat in the middle of June.

Review: Pineapple Express

2009-01-07T13:11:00.001-08:00

To put it simply, this is probably the best stoner film I've ever seen. Normally, stoner-flicks follow a simple formula: 2 potheads + 1 vehicle + X amount of crazy folks = SHENANIGANS! Pineapple Express stays faithful to this time-tested formula, but it also chooses to go its own way.

Dale Denton is a twenty-something process server who is slowly slipping into a life of loserdoem. This descent is painfully highlighted by the fact that he is dating a high school girl, that he has a job in which everyone hates him, and that he constantly smokes weed. His only real friend is his dealer-- the strange and occasionally insightful Saul Silver. Together the two make for a beautiful bromance. They sit around, reminiscing on the halcyon days all the while hitting the chronic and getting baked. But their mellow is soon harshed when Dale witnesses a killing that connects him to a web of underground drug dealings. Dale and Saul have no option other than to run, and what results from this chase is nothing short of a riot.

I have never seen more perfect casting in a comedy film. Judd Apatow did a seamless job of finding the right folks to play these memorable parts. Seth Rogen plays the part of semi-straight-laced, twenty-something, lovable loser fantastically. James Franco blew me away as the burn-out Saul Silver. He manages to balance that line between truth and stereotype. He reminds the viewer of that someone that everyone knows. Together, these two form a bromance that rivals Cool Hand Luke and Dragline's. Their scenes together are so genuine and sweet, that you kinda have this weird feeling that you want 'em to be together. Franco even coins a term for what the two men are: BFFF's-- Best F***ing Friends Forever!

The real scene-stealer in this film is Danny McBride who plays Red. The paranoid drug dealer is one of the greatest characters of 2008. His whole demeanor is wonderfully contradictory: one minute, he's mister suave and cool ("Look at me, man-- I'm wearing a kimono.") the next he's a freaking manic, killing machine ("You just got killed by a Daewoo Lanos, muthaf***er!") He manages to hold his own against comedic powerhouses like Rogen and Gary Cole, and I suspect that this guy is a rising funny star.

One thing I'm wondering is this: why does Gary Cole always play an asshole? He was Bill Lumbergh in Office Space, he was the douchey drug-addict Reese Bobby in Talladega Nights, and now he plays a corrupt and evil drug dealer in Pineapple Express. This guy is like the funny version of Tom Wilkinson, he's just really good at being a dick. Anyway, that was just a random thought I threw in there.

So all in all, Pineapple Express is a stoner movie that got it all and then some: great cast, great laughs, good heart, and it won't leave you with the munchies after you're done.

5 Films Your Mom Doesn't Want You To See

2009-01-06T16:02:00.000-08:00

Remember when you were little and your parents used to watch their "grown-up" movies and they'd send you to bed early so you wouldn't see it? And remember how you used to sneak back into the living room anyway so you could catch a glimpse of said black-listed film? Well these films are just like that. No matter how old you get, you're mom would definitely be disappointed if she ever caught you watching these films.

#5 Imprint
Plot: In the late 19th century, an American travels to Japan to find the woman he loved and lost-- a prostitute from a strange island. What he finds on the island of whores and demons is nothing short of terrifying and shocking.
Why It's Bad, Bad, Bad: This movie has everything it takes to be a "bad" movie-- rape, prostitution, violence, abortion, incest, torture, bad accents, and then some. A friend of mine suggested it to me as "one of the freakiest movies" he'd ever seen. Lemme tell you folks, "freaky" doesn't even begin to cover it.
Mother's Shame Factor: On a scale of one to ten, we'll say a seven.

#4 Blue Velvet
Plot: When a young man finds a severed ear in a field in his home town, the simple lacerated human appendage launches a mystery that is filled with dark secrets.
Why It's Bad, Bad, Bad: This throwback to the 50's noir films was originally called depraved, dark, vulgar, and silly. With its raw displays of human psychoses and sexual flaws, the film was forever condemned as a "smart, dirty movie."
Mother's Shame Factor: Six

#3 Natural Born Killers
Plot: Mickey and Mallory are in love. In fact they do everything together. This includes going on a cross-country killing spree that ends up making them into national celebrities.
Why It's Bad, Bad, Bad: This is one of my particular favorites on this list. The amount of violence in this film is earth-shattering. Bodies drop every single scene. In fact, the violence in this film was so bad, that it influenced many "copycat" killers who shaved their heads and went on killing sprees around their hometown.
Mother's Shame Factor: 8

#2 Caligula
Plot: This film tells the story of Rome's most infamous emperor-- Caligula. His life seems stranger than fiction, and it is hard to separate the legend from fact-- but then again, maybe that's what draws us to his character.
Why It's Bad, Bad, Bad: Three words for you: unsimulated sex scenes. In other words, all of the sex scenes that were filmed in this movie, even the infamous "Roman orgy" scene were real. Real people, having real sex, in front of the camera...and it's not called porn.
Mother's Shame Factor: 10+ (This is a real bad one kiddies. Stay away.)

#1 Rosemary's Baby
Plot: Rosemary and Guy have new neighbors-- oh, and they happen to be a cult of Satanists. Oh, and did I mention that they're planning on her unborn baby to become the Antichrist?
Why It's Bad, Bad, Bad: This movie freaked everybody out in the 60's. Even the clergy. In fact, it was denounced by the Catholic Church. Talk about controversy.
Mother's Shame Factor: Meh, it's mild compared to the others. I'll give it a five.

Thundercats Fan Trailer

2009-01-06T15:57:00.000-08:00

So a few weeks ago, this fan trailer for the yet-made Thundercats: The Movie made its debut online. I must say, it's pretty impressive. Whoever made this used a method called rotoscoping, which is basically just painting over frames. It was used in the film A Scanner Darkly. The fan trailer casts pretty high as well: Brad Pitt as Lion-O, Hugh Jackman as Tygra, Vin Diesel as Panthro, and Halle Berry as Cheetara.

Here's the link to check it out at WorstPreviews:

http://www.worstpreviews.com/headline.php?id=11394&count=88

It's Official: I Hate Fox

2009-01-04T14:54:00.000-08:00

As you can tell from the title of this post, I hate 20th Century Fox.

Just like any other distributor, they've put out their classics, such as Tora! Tora! Tora! and When Harry Met Sally. They've also put out their share of cult and nerd films, the greatest of which being the fantastic Star Wars series. And, they've had their bombs and stinkers, like Elektra and Guess Who?

But one ability that Fox has that no other distributor does, is the ability to take a great story or franchise and completely corrupt and rape it into an unrecognizable hunk of cinema drivel. Don't believe me? Take for example the upcoming Dragonball film. It was once a cult-favorite cartoon, beloved by us nerds everywhere. But once Fox got it in their claw-like hands they shaped it into a candy-pop, ADD-fueled, money-grubbing whore-fest-- or at least that's how it looks from the trailers.

Now they've got their grubby paws on one of my favorite comic-book planned adaptations: Watchmen. For the past six months, Fox has been battling it out with Warner Brothers studios for the release rights to Watchmen. See, several years ago, Terry Gilliam and Fox owned the rights to the Watchmen film while Warner Brothers was partnered to DC Comics. Gilliam's version of Watchmen strayed in production hell for years and eventually fell through. Due to a lack of communication between the two studios, Warner ended up picking up the film as the distributor and continued production. Because Warner is partnered to DC, the studio just assumed that they had the rights to make the film.

Well, you know what they say-- to ASSUME is to make an ASS out of U and ME.

Nine grueling months of Zack Snyder and Company's hard work and millions of dollars later, Fox announced that they actually owned the distribution rights and that they wanted to go to court.

And to court they went. For months, the two studios battled it out over the distribution rights. Fox announced that if they were granted the rights, that they intended on shelving the film. Needless to say, this did not please the nerd community. They-- or I should say, we-- declared that we would boycott 2009 Fox films, such as Dragonball, X-Men Origins: Wolverine, and Streetfighter: the Legend of Chun-Li. After hearing this threat, Fox realized how serious us nerds are about our comic-book adaptations and decided that they would not shelve the product, but instead would push back the release date.

We could settle for that. But that was only if they actually got the release rights.

Now, fast forward to last week. It was announced that the judge ruled in favor of Fox and permitted them the release rights to Watchmen-- every Watchmen fan died a little on the inside. Upon this announcement, Fox proclaimed that they would be pushing back the release date until they could finish editing the film to their satisfaction. Then, every Watchmen fan's head exploded in rage.

For those of you who aren't aware, Fox has a nasty history of changing up comic adaptations. They don't stay true to the original, they manipulate characters beyond recognition, and instead of sticking true to the story, they end up vying for a "feel good" ending. This means that, more than likely, they will decided to edit or completely rewrite the end of the legendary Watchmen comic in order to satisfy the sheep-like masses.

What just frustrates me is that Zack Snyder worked his ass off to make this film amazing and right at the end, they snatch it away from him in order to corrupt it into something terrible. It's like taking candy from a baby and then using the candy to choke a kid with down-syndrome and then using the kid's body to crush some innocent kittens. It's just horrible.

So there's my rant for the day. I hate Fox. Hate. Them. My hate for Fox, actually exceeds my hate for Hannah Montana right now. And that's a white-hot hate all it's own. The only, the only way this could be worse was if they recast the characters in the last few scenes with the cast of High School Musical and then allow the Jonas Brothers to direct. That is the only way this situation could get worse.

Or maybe I'm overreacting. Maybe Fox won't do such a bad job. I'll say my prayers at night that they won't. That's all we can do...watch, wait, and pray.

Review: "Australia"

2008-12-29T19:02:00.001-08:00

For starters, I'm gonna say that Ebert and Roeper can go suck it. If you guys didn't like this film, then that's your problem-- ya'll missed out.

This film is a cinematic piece of artwork-- it is a visual orgasm (if you'll pardon the expression.) Every camera angle, every piece of clothing, every character, every color is precise and perfect. Baz Luhrman has, once again, been able to take the bleary and plain canvas of the Australian Outback and managed to splash his masterpiece upon it.

The story tells of Lady Sarah Ashley (played by the unusually droll Nicole Kidman, but more on that later) who moves to her husband's cattle ranch, Faraway Downs, in Darwin, Australia. She plans on taking over the place from her incompetent husband, selling it, and bringing her husband back to "civilized" England. Upon her arrival, she is greeted by the gritty and mysterious Drover (the wonderful and sexy Hugh Jackman), who takes her to her ranch. They find that Lord Ashley has been murdered by someone-- supposedly the Aboriginal magic man, King George. With some persuasion by the half-caste Aboriginal child Nullah (played by my new favorite rising star Brandon Walters) Lady Ashley decides to stay and run Faraway Downs herself. With the help of Nullah, Drover, and others from the ranch, the fine English lady becomes a hard-boiled Outback girl-- and of course (since this is Baz Luhrman we're talking about) falls promptly in love with Drover.

First, let's talk about the actors. Unfortunately, for some reason, Nicole Kidman is boring in this film. She just seems to coast throughout the film, not really popping on-screen like she normally does. It's almost as if she's saying "Oh, I'm Australian and I'm in a movie about Australia-- I'm good, I don't really need to try." Frankly, I was disappointed in her performance.

Now, on to Hugh Jackman. Mr. Wolverine-- contrary to his leading lady-- was at the top of his game. He performed like a trooper-- embracing his Australian-ness and playing the character of Drover like an Outback Clint Eastwood. Also, just for the ladies (and, some guys out there) he is physically the best he's ever been. I'm talking, hairy chests, muscles, and six-packs for days! Mmmm....I'd love to get ahold of him in the Outback--- ahem....sorry....excuse me....

But the real story is with newcomer Brandon Walters, who plays the half-white, half-Aboriginal child Nullah. The boy is, quite simply, amazing. At twelve years old, the boy manages to keep up with and even outshine some of the veteran actors he shares the screen with. I hope to see him in future productions.

Other, minor characters, manage to steal scenes as well. David Wenham (who normally plays benign characters such as Friar Carl in Van Helsing) does fantastically as the evil villain Fletcher. He's sadistic and conniving in a way that still makes him human.

So all in all, I give this movie my stamp of approval. Girls, it's a love story worth seeing-- so go drag your boyfriends to the cinema for this one!

An Apology

2008-12-29T19:00:00.000-08:00

So, I'm gonna just say I apologize for not updating in awhile. I don't have Internet at my house currently, and so I haven't been able to post. So, again I apologize to my few readers. Sorry guys!

Five Indies I'm Stoked To See

2008-12-14T14:45:00.000-08:00

#5 The Wrestler
Plot: Former pro-wrestler, Randy "The Ram" Robinson (Mickey Rourke) struggles through old age, broken hearts, and broken families to try and get back on top of the world.
Why I'm Stoked: Mickey Rourke is a very under-appreciated and talented actor, so I am so happy to see him back at the top of his game. Already, he's been nominated for a Golden Globe and rumour is that an Oscar nom is next on the list. Plus, from the trailer, this movie seems like one of those "feel-good-but-not-in-a-cheesy-way" films. It looks like one of those movies that can make grown men cry (although they'll just blame it on "allergies.")

#4 Gran Torino
Plot: Korean war veteran, Walt Kowalski is dead set on reforming his collapsing neighborhood after a punk teenage tries to steal his prized 1972 Gran Torino.
Why I'm Stoked: It's Clint Eastwood's last film as an actor. He announced awhile back that, at 78, he's too old to be an actor and that he will continue to focus on being a director. So, I'm hoping that Mr. Eastwood will go out with a bang.

#3 The Boy In the Striped Pyjamas
Plot: Bruno, the eight year old son of a Nazi commandant, makes friends with a young Jewish boy who is imprisoned in his father's concentration camp. With their forbidden friendship grows a realization that what they hold dear may be taken away from them by the harsh misconceived ideals of Nazi Germany.
Why I'm Stoked: I love WWII films, but this indie seems truly unique. The film is told through the innocent eyes of an eight year old boy--something we've never seen before. It should be interesting to see how the child concieves the idea of the concentration camp.

#2 Slumdog Millionare
Plot: A young Indian man wants to compete in the Indian version of "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" in order to win the love of his life, Latika.
Why I'm Stoked: This film is directed by one of my favorites, Danny Boyle, the mastermind behind Trainspotting and 28 Days Later. Also, it is currently contending for a best-picture Golden Globe. All in all, sounds like a good film.

#1 The Matador
Plot: This documentary follows the journey of David Fandila who wishes to become the world's top matador.
Why I'm Stoked: C'mon, how often do we get to see a movie about a dude that teases a bull for a living? Looks pretty cool to me. Plus, with documentaries you get to see real people, real situations, and real emotions. That's a nice break from the illusion of film.

New "Wolverine" Trailer Leaked Online

2008-12-14T14:12:00.001-08:00

A new trailer for the 2009 film, X-Men Origins: Wolverine leaked online a few days ago. It's in the typical bootleg format, but from what you can see it looks amazing. The footage shows us characters such as Stryker, Wraith, Gambit, Emma Frost, and Sabretooth. Check it out here:

http://www.worstpreviews.com/trailer.php?id=143&item=1

Five Great Actors In Five Bad Films

2008-12-14T13:21:00.000-08:00

#1 Ray Liotta in In The Name of The King: Dungeon Seige
It's a Uwe Boll film. It's a UWE BOLL film. It's. A. Uwe. Boll. Film. As soon as Liotta saw that, he should've bailed as quick as he could have. How he went from Goodfellas to that, I'll never know.

# 2 Ben Kingsley in BloodRayne
Once again, UWE EFFIN' BOLL manages to suck the life out of another great actor's career. Why Ben Kingsley? You worked with Sir Richard Attenborough, so why in the name of all that is holy would you want to work with the likes of Uwe Boll?

# 3 Elizabeth Taylor in The Flinstones
I think Liz made this film when she first started to go crazy and hang around Liza Minelli and Michael Jackson. Unfortunatley, John Goodman, Elizabeth Perkins, Rosie O'Donnell, Kyle McLaughlin and Halle Berry don't have that excuse. God, how could so many good people screw up so badly?

#4 Robert de Niro in Mary Shelley's Frankenstein
If you have ever seen this movie, I'm so sorry. If you haven't, consider yourself lucky. Robert de Niro plays Frankenstein's monster. I'll repeat that: Frankenstein's monster. Can you picture that? An Italian, reanimated corpse, lumbering through the English countryside with Kenneth Branagh on his heels. It would be funny junk if it weren't so sad.

#5 Anthony Hopkins in Alexander
Ah, Alexander...how you managed to turn so many respectable actors (and rock stars in Jared Leto's case) into money-seeking, blockbuster whores is unfathomable to me. I mean, just look what it did to Anthony Hopkins and Val Kilmer...poor guys.

My Imaginary Interview With James Lipton

2008-12-10T12:38:00.000-08:00

You ever watch that show "Inside the Actor's Studio" with James Lipton? Y'know, it's the one where that guy with the really slow, even, cool voice asks celebrities what their favorite curse word is along with other stuff about their movie history? Yeah, that one. Personally, I LOVE that show. Anyway, the other day I was so ridiculously bored in my dorm and I was attempting to procrastinate studying for finals so I flipped the TV onto Bravo and started watching a marathon of "Inside the Actor's Studio." Well, somewhere in between Robert Downey Jr. and Dave Chappelle but before Daniel Radcliffe, I began to wonder-- I wonder how I would answer those ten Bernared Pivot questions?

Well, I sat down and here were my answers:

Q. What is your favorite word?

A. Bespectacled. Or any word with the prefix "be-" and then an adjective.

Q. What is your least favorite word?

A. Failure.

Q. What sound or noise do you love?

A. The sound of burning cigarette paper when you inhale deeply.

Q. What sound or noise do you hate?

A. The sound of a Sharpie on paper. Makes me wanna tear my ears off.

Q. What turns you on creatively, emotionally, or spiritually?

A. The sound of genuine laughter. Because there's nothing else that says "I accept you, I love you." more than that.

Q. What turns you off creatively, emotionally, or spiritually?

A. Cynicism.

Q. What is your favorite curse word?

A. It's actually a tie between "Oh, f*** me running!" and "c*nt." (Sorry, decided to censor myself a bit. But I wasn't gonna lie about that!)

Q. What profession, other than your own, would you like to attempt?

A. National Geographic journalist.

Q. What profession would you not like to do?

A. Child psychologist. Because weird kids just freak me right out.

Q. Finally, if Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates?

A. "Hey there kiddo, you finally made it. You gave us all a good laugh up here."

So there you go. My bit of boredom for the day. Just to prompt a little commenting (I'd like to know if I'm actually getting some readers out there) what would be your answers to some of these questions?

Kirk Lazarus for Best Supporting Actor

2008-12-10T10:30:00.000-08:00

Oscar season is almost here, kiddies! And you know what that means-- "For Your Consideration" Ads. For those of you who aren't familiar with the Oscar nomination process, it's simple. A studio must take out "For Your Consideration" ads for whatever actor, film, whatever they want to be nominated for an Acadamy Award. Then, only after the ads are reviewed are the actual films reviewed. Finally, nominations are decided and announced.

Recently, DreamWorks pictures released two "For Your Consideration" ads promoting fake actor Kirk Lazarus (Robert Downey Jr.) for Best Supporting Actor. And they are effin' hilarious.

Here's the link to watch the 30 second ads:
http://www.worstpreviews.com/headline.php?id=11184&count=0

This is all pretty funny considering that rumor is that Robert Downey Jr. is going to recieve an Oscar nom for his role as Kirk Lazarus as Lincoln Osiris in Tropic Thunder. Confusing, huh?

Stupidest. Junk. Ever.

2008-12-10T10:20:00.000-08:00

There's...I mean...I just...there's no way to even begin this post. Just...it's official...the world has lost it's ever-loving mind...

Just follow the link and you'll see what I'm talking about:
http://www.worstpreviews.com/headline.php?id=11199&count=0

New Director Announced For "Twilight" Series

2008-12-10T10:00:00.000-08:00

Guys? Get ready to laugh. Get ready. To laugh.

Okay, so Catherine Hardwick the director of the first installment of the new, highly-overrated Twilight franchise was recently not asked to come back for the three sequels. Well, it was announced yesterday that Chris Weitz, the man behind classics such as American Pie and The Golden Compass has been offered to direct the next two Twilight films.

I'll repeat that:

The guy...that made...American Pie...is going to direct...the ultimate chick flick.

HOW BRILLIANTLY HILARIOUS IS THAT?!

Man, I thought that Catherine Hardwick was crap, but CHRIS WEITZ? REALLY? Oh man, maybe those producers should've went easier on you Twilight-ers and just given you Brett Ratner. Honestly, this is just going to crush your lovely franchise. (Much to my enjoyment.)

So, with Weitz at the wheel, what's gonna be next in store for the characters, hmm? Is precious Edward going to have sex with an apple pie, maybe? Or Bella stick a flute up her hoo-hoo? Or is Jacob Black gonna drink pale ale with a little something-something mixed in?

Y'know, this--this-- is the best Christmas gift a girl like me could ever get. Thank you Baby Jesus. And thank you retarded Hollywood producers for making this the best Christmas ever.

New Watchmen Footage!

2008-12-09T21:26:00.001-08:00

There's new footage online of the upcoming Watchmen film. The three-minute mix-mash of footage was originally released in July at Comic Con. But now it's here for the rest of us to enjoy!

Here's the link:

http://www.worstpreviews.com/trailer.php?id=590&item=7

Ten Films I'm Looking Forward To In 2009

2008-12-09T11:44:00.000-08:00

A new year means new movies, and new movies means new reasons for me to be excited! 2009 is hearkening in a year of comebacks, sequels, prequels, remakes, and nerd films. Here's a list of films that I'm personally looking forward to next year.

#10 Imaginarium of Dr. Parnassus
Release Date: TBA
Why I'm Excited: After his untimely death in January, Heath Ledger's was replaced with other brilliant actors such as Johnny Depp, Jude Law, and Colin Farrell. They will play his character, Tony, as this magical traveling theatre leaps through different times and dimensions. I'm looking forward to how inventive director Terry Gilliam pulls off the transition from actor to actor.

#9 The Road
Release Date: TBA
Why I'm Excited: This novel-turned-movie takes place in a post-apocalyptic America that is not unlike an earthly hell. The sky is blacked out with ash and dust, and all animal and plant life is dead. All the while a Man and his Son struggle to survive against the evil that managed to survive the unknown disaster. Ooh, just the synopsis is enough to send shivers down your spine, huh?

#8 Terminator Salvation
Release Date: 5/22
Why I'm Excited: Okay, I'll admit, I'm not that big of a Terminator fan. But, this movie looks amazing. I saw the trailer for it when I went to see The Dark Knight and I was blown away. Plus, it's got a pretty kick-ass cast: Christian Bale, Bryce Dallas Howard, Helena Bohnam-Carter, Common, and newcomer Anton Yelchin. All this combines to make for a pretty exciting-looking movie.

#7 Dragonball
Release Date: 4/8
Why I'm Excited: To be honest, I'm just ready to see how much this movie blows. I've seen the trailers, I've seen the clips, and I've seen the cast-- it looks awesomely cheesetastic. It could quite possibly be 2009's Speed Racer. Sorry to all those Dragonball fans out there, but I think that this one's gonna be a big ol' wad of bad movie-making.

#6 Monsters vs. Aliens
Release Date: 5/27
Why I'm Excited: This looks like another one of those brilliant films that Pixar annually puts out. It's also got some of my favorite actors doing the voices: Seth Rogen, Hugh Laurie, Steven Colbert, and Will Arnett.

#5 The Soloist
Release Date: 4/24
Why I'm Excited: This is one of those films where Jamie Foxx actually looks tolerable. He's playing a mentally-challenged man who's a musical prodigy. I smell an Oscar nom. Just as long as he doesn't go full-retard. And it has Robert Downey Jr. in it. Can't get much better than that.

#4 X-Men Origins: Wolverine
Release Date: 5/1
Why I'm Excited: As a huge comic nerd, I must say that this film looks ten times better than the other films in the franchise. Plus, they're bringing in the biggest and the baddest of the mutants. The casting for these mutants are seemingly flawless: Ryan Reynolds as Deadpool, Leiv Schreiber as a young Sabretooth, Taylor Kitsch as Gambit, and the ever-creepy Danny Huston as William Stryker. This seems like a jolt of new energy to a dead series.

#3 Star Trek
Release Date: 5/8
Why I'm Excited: So far, casting looks absolutely brilliant. Zachary Quinto is the perfect Spock, Chris Pine makes for a hot Captain Kirk, Simon Pegg is a brilliant Scotty, Karl Urban is a sleek McCoy, and Zoe Saldana is the beautiful Uhura. But other than y'know, awesome casting, it also has amazing directing. J.J. Abrams, the mind behind Lost, Alias, Fringe, and Cloverfield (although we can forgive him for that one) takes on the helming for this absolutely necessary remake.

#2 Inglourious Basterds
Release Date: TBA
Why I'm Excited: It's Quentin Tarantino. It's. Quentin. Tarantino. That's all that needs to be said. But, I'll say more. This film has an extremely unique plot. It involves a gang of Jewish-American soldiers in WWII who are sent out on a mission to spread fear in the hearts of the Nazis. They call themselves "The Basterds" and what they do is nothing short of brutal. Sounds pretty bad-ass, huh?

#1 Watchmen
Release Date: 3/9
Why I'm Excited: I've been a fan of the Watchmen series since I was sixteen years old. Ever since I first heard about this becoming a film way back in 2007, I've been on pins and needles waiting for it ever since. When the trailer debuted before The Dark Knight, it was nothing short of orgasmic. In that...non-wierd way... Anyway, this film could do for superhero films next year what Iron Man and The Dark Knight did for them this year. Plus, it's directed by the uber-fantastic director Zack Snyder. Yeah, that's the guy that did 300. This man just keeps the awesomeness coming, doesn't he?

Twilight Fangirls Just Got PWNED

2008-12-09T09:49:00.001-08:00

Rumour-Mill has it that the director of the new (highly overrated) blockbuster Twilight" got booted out for the next movie.

Catherine Hardwick who has also directed other fangirl flicks like Thirteen and Lords of Dogtown apparently isn't going to be asked back for the remaining three Twilight films. Nobody knows whether it has to do with her skill (or lack thereof) or if it's just an aesthetic decision.

All I know is that I say, HAHA! to all those millions of fangirls out there. HAHA! on you for losing your director. But what am I saying? It's not as if you actually care whose helming the damn thing. As long as you get your no-talent, marginally good-looking, mediocre, pasty-skinned actors back you'll be satisfied, won't you? Won't you?! Well you know what? I hope you get Brett Ratner or Uwe Boll directing the next one, just so they can screw up your franchise like they did mine!

For those of you who don't know, Brett Ratner was the poop-nose who directed the third installment of the X-Men movies. And it was terrible. T-E-R-R-I-B-L-E. Terrible. And Uwe Boll did both the BloodRayne franchise and that horrendous Jason Statham film In the Name of the King: Yaddah, yaddah, yaddah. Whatever, it was a sucky title.

So yeah Twilight-ers, I hope you get one of those two to come back and direct your crappy franchise. Or better yet, let's just reanimate the corpse of Ed Wood and let him direct. That would be great. Okay, my rant's over.

Ten Comedies You Should See Today

2008-12-08T12:20:00.000-08:00

Sick of all those (Insert Film Genre Here) Movies? And those exponentially crappier National Lampoon and American Pie films? Me too! So I've made a list of ten films that can break the monotony of fart-jokes and infantile humor that constantly barrage the masses. Oh, and let's not judge me on these "funny" quotes people. Some of 'em you just got to see the movie to understand.

#10 Some Like It Hot
Plot: Two jazz musicians (Tony Curtis and Jack Lemmon) running from mobsters disguise themselves as women and join an all-girl band. During their stint, they meet Sugar Kane (Marilyn Monroe) and end up finding love in all the wrong places. With it's clever (and not-s0-subtle) innuendos, this film was way ahead of it's time.
Funny Quote: "My last wife was a contortionist. She could smoke a cigarette while holding it between her toes. *sighs lecherously* ZOWIE!"

#9 Kiss Kiss Bang Bang
Plot: Small-time crook Harry (Robert Downey Jr.) gets his partner killed while running from the cops and stumbles upon an audition for a new police-drama movies. By pure accident, he lands the part and begins to be tutored by real-life detective Gay Perry (Val Kilmer.) But before Harry can even get the first lines of the film out of his mouth, a string of murders leads the two men into a strange case that they must solve.
Funny Quote: "I call it my faggot gun. Because it's only good for a couple of shots then you gotta drop it for something better."

#8 A Night At The Opera
Plot: Sly business man Otis B. Driftwood (Groucho Marx) and his two accomplices (Harpo and Chico Marx) set out to wreak hilarious havoc on rich opera patrons.
Funny Quote: "Why you're willing to pay him a thousand dollars a night just for singing? Why you can get a record of Minnie the Moocher for 75 cents. And for a buck and a quarter you can get Minnie."

#7 Young Frankenstein
Plot: The late Dr. Frankenstein leaves his grandson Frederick Frankenstein (Gene Wilder) his castle and his fortune in Transylvania. Along with the castle comes his own, private servant Igor (Marty Feldman) lab assistant (Teri Garr) and housekeeper (Cloris Leachmen.) By a turn of strange events, Frederick follows in his grandfather's footschtapps and creates a monster (Peter Boyle) who he attempts to turn into a gentleman.
Funny Quote: "For this experiment to be a success, all of the body parts must be enlarged. In other words, his veins, his feet, his hands, his organs would all have to be increased in size...he would have an enormous schwanzstucker...Woof!"

#6 Forgetting Sarah Marshall

Plot: Poor Peter (Jason Segel) just got dumped by his girlfriend of five years, TV actress Sarah Marshall (Kristin Bell). In an attempt to get over her, he takes a trip to Hawaii-- only to find that Sarah is there with her new boyfriend, rockstar Alduos Snow (Russell Brand). Now he must find a way to forget Sarah Marshall, even though she's right next door.
Funny Quote: "I've lost a shoe...s'cuse me miss, have you seen my other shoe. It's like this one, 'cept it's like it's other fellow. It's sort of the exact opposite in fact of that-- but not like it's evil version, but just, y'know a shoe like this...'cept for the other foot..."

#5 Modern Times
Plot: The Tramp, made famous by Charlie Chaplin, struggles to live in the growing industrialist world along with a young homeless woman.
Funny Quote: It's a silent film. But the physical comedy is fantastic.

#4 Shaun of the Dead
Plot: Shaun (Simon Pegg) and best friend Ed (Nick Frost) must fight lethal, flesh-eating zombies in order to save Shaun's mum and girlfriend Liz.
Funny Quote: "Oh her...she's a cock-icidal maniac..."

#3 The Jerk
Plot: A white man (Steve Martin) who was raised by a black family sets out for fame and fortune by joining the local circus.
Funny Quote: (When told that he's not their real child) "You mean I'm going to stay this color?"

#2 Robin Hood: Men In Tights
Plot: Robin Hood (Cary Ewles) battles against the Sherriff of Rottingham (Roger Rees), Prince John (Richard Lewis), and chastisty belts for the love of his Maid Marian (Amy Yasbeck).
Funny Quote: "Oh no! A chastity belt! Aww, that's going to chafe my willy."

#1 Tropic Thunder
Plot: Three spoiled actors (Ben Stiller, Jack Black, Robert Downey Jr.) are stranded in the middle of the Laosian jungle-- all the while being pursued by heroin farmers; dealing with drug withdrawal; and learning about their own egos.
Funny Quote: "WHO in crikey fuck is Little Half-Squat?!"

Best. Quote. Ever.

2008-12-07T17:40:00.000-08:00

"You know that you had a damn good night when you wake up with 10 pesos in your pocket and you never went to Mexico." -- Brad Arnold, 3 Doors Down

Old People + Rock Music + Alcohol = Hilarity

2008-12-07T17:30:00.000-08:00

This is going to be a pretty short post. But I figured out that if you take a bunch of forty-something women and men, give them large amounts of free alcohol, and place them in a small venue (Oh, let's say the show room at the Hard Rock Casino) where 3 Doors Down is playing, that you will get the show of your life.

They will dance.

And I'm not just talking about shaking their hips, putting their "hands in the ayer" kind of dancing. I'm talking about full-on, three-dimensions, bump and grinding kind of dancing. They are absolutely unaware of the fact that they are spilling their beer on you and everyone around them and are oblivious to the actual tempo of the band's song. It's brilliant.

You ever see the Charlie Brown TV shows? You remember how they used to dance? Yeah, some of the older folks dance like that too.

Hilarious.

Who Says Old Movies Weren't Dirty?

2008-12-04T21:36:00.000-08:00

If you've watched as many old movies as I have, you'll learn that the filmmakers weren't always as squeaky-clean as they made themselves out to be. In fact, the classic era of Hollywood produced some of the best innuendo ever heard by man. Quite entertaining really. But sometimes, they weren't so subtle. Take for example this scene, from one of my favorite Paul Newman films, Hud. It is absolutely brilliant the things some of the filmmakers got away with back then. I guarantee that this scene will make you grin.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aqKXUCc78bk

First Look At Gambit in New Wolverine Movie

2008-12-04T21:16:00.000-08:00

Recently, Empire magazine printed a photo of actor Taylor Kitsch as my personal favorite mutant, Gambit. Gambit will make an appearance in the 2009 film X-Men Origins: Wolverine as part of the Weapon X program. So there's the photo, above the article there...go ahead, I'll give you a moment to look it over and criticize.

Now it's my turn. I must say, I'm a bit disappointed in this photo and a little worried that they've gone and screwed up my favorite mutant. Where's the red and black eyes? The five o'clock shadow? Hmm? This kid's beard looks like a chocolate milk moustache. But, I'm going to be a bit lenient and not judge too early. I'm waiting to see a pic of him in costume and then I'll determine whether or not this film's going to live up to my expectations. But the one thing I can say is that this Kitsch kid better get that damn Cajun accent down pat, otherwise a whole lot of comic-nerd women are going to be very angry. And you will not like us when we're angry.

Random Fact of the Day

2008-12-04T10:04:00.000-08:00

Random Fact of the Day: Joan Crawford's eyebrows can be used as weapons. For example, she can take one off and beat you with it like a coathanger. Or she can throw one at you like a giant, hairy boomerang. It's her choice. Just don't piss her off.

That's your Random Fact of the Day.

Check Out This Short Film

2008-12-03T18:37:00.001-08:00

While cruising around on the Internet, I stumbled across a really fantastic and funny short film called Whatever We Do. It stars three of my favorite actors: Zooey Deschanel, Tim Roth, and Robert Downey Jr. Oh, and Amanda Peet's in there too. It follows newly-engaged Patty and Joe (Peet and Roth) and their two friends Bobby and Nikki (Downey Jr. and Deschanel) on a night of drinks and debauchery. What starts out as just a party leads them to truths that they have never revealed to each other before.

It's a short film (clocks in at about 23 minutes) but in that short time, they manage to pack in a lot of dark humor and some pretty heavy scenes.

I'm putting up the video link from YouTube, so check it out!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mOKZE4a2gWA

Things I've Learned While In College

2008-12-03T08:16:00.000-08:00

They say that the best education is experience. Well whoever they are they're absolutely right. Since I've been in college these last few months, I've learned a lot of stuff that I never knew before. I'd like to impart upon you this knowledge that was bestowed upon me.

1.) You can go to class with no makeup, sweatpants, a baggy hoodie, messy hair, and broken flip-flops and no one will ever look at you weird. Why? 'Cause chances are, everybody is dressed the exact same way.

2.) You can always retake a test, but you can never relive a party. Live it up while you can.

3.) Having a meal ticket means nothing. After about a month, you'll hardly ever eat in the cafeteria.

4.) Climbing in through windows is a typical way to get into your dorms. Especially if they lock them at a certain hour.

5.) Drinking is completely acceptable. But enjoy yourself now, because after college it's referred to as "alcoholism."

6.) Skipping a party because you have a test and a speech due the next day or because you prefer to watch "The Office" are not considered fouls (in most cases.)

7.) Dishes don't get done until there's no clean ones left to use.

8.) Cabin fever from your dorms in inevitable. It will happen to you eventually. You can't escape it.

9.) If you were a straight-A student in high school (like myself), be prepared to get a case of the "F*** It's" by the end of the semester.

10.) You learn that your family is everything. Especially when there's food involved.

Five Vampire Films That Are Better Than "Twilight"

2008-12-02T16:13:00.000-08:00

In light of the recent (and ridiculous) Twilight-mania I've decided to compile a list of vampire flicks that are-- and always will be-- a thousand times better than Twilight. So, my little pointy-toothed fanatics, enjoy and be educated.

1.) From Dusk Til' Dawn
Starring: Harvey Keitel, George Clooney, Quentin Tarantino, Juliette Lewis, Salma Hayek, Cheech Marin, Danny Trejo
Why It's Better Than Twilight: Well, first off, if you read the cast then you'd know that it's got to be amazing. Second, it's directed by the wonderful Robert Rodriguez. Third, it takes place in Mexico-- which is typically an unusual place for vampires to roam.

2.) Let The Right One In
Starring: Kare Hedebrant, Lina Leandersson
Why It's Better Than Twilight: Instead of being your typical "romantic" vampire tale, this film chooses to make it's main protagonists children. A little boy named Oskar falls in love with a vampire girl named Eli in 1982 Stockholm. Mixing the theme of "young, innocent love" with the idea of a creature that is wholly damned is a pretty unique idea.

3.) Interview With A Vampire
Starring: Brad Pitt, Tom Cruise, Kirsten Dunst, Antonio Banderas
Why It's Better Than Twilight: Well...c'mon...it's Brad Pitt and Tom Cruise...it's definitely going to be better than anything Twilight does. Sorry Robert Pattinson, but you are no early-90's Brad Pitt and you never will be.

4.) Nosferatu: Eins Symphonie Des Grauens
Starring: Max Schreck, Gustav Von Wangenheim, Greta Schroder, G.H. Schnell
Why It's Better Than Twilight: It is the original vampire film. Max Schreck's acting is beyond method... it's just downright terrifying. Some people even think that Schreck was really a vampire himself, and that's why his portrayal of Count Orlock was so realistic. Makes for good cinema, huh?

5.) Blade II
Starring: Wesley Snipes, Kris Kristofferson, Ron Perlman, Norman Reedus
Why It's Better Than Twilight: Action, action, action. That's all that can be said. The fight scenes in this film are absolutely beautiful, and so well-crafted. But hey, what do you expect from the uber-great director Guillermo del Toro?

So there you have it. Five films that are always going to be better than that drivel Twilight. So suck on that, Stephanie Meyer!

Real Life: My Schoolmate Knocked Up A Celebrity

2008-12-02T15:17:00.000-08:00

So I found out about a month ago that I go to school with the dude that knocked up Jamie-Lynn Spears. Yeah...really random, huh? His name is Casey Aldridge and he attends Southwest Mississippi Community College where I also go. I found out this golden nugget of information one day when me and a couple of the soccer girls were just hanging out bored.

You never see him just walking around, and nor do you see him ever by himself. He's always driving this big-ass Ford that just screams "Hey, I'm a Douchey McDouchebag!" from every unnecessary chrome piece on its battered body. And said truck is always filled with loud, possibly inebriated guys. And by filled, I mean absolutely teeming. They're just hanging out of windows, the sun roof, and the back of the truck. Apparently, knocking up a bloated pop-star's little sister earns you a whole lot of friends.

So anyway, yeah, I go to school with Casey Aldridge-- the guy who made a baby with Zoey 101. Lovely.

Finally. A Video Game I Can Actually Play.

2008-12-02T12:07:00.000-08:00

Saturday, I was rummaging around in this plastic bin my dad keeps all his video games in (yeah, my dad's a gamer. That is, until I stole the PS2 and brought it to the dorm.) and I came across a pretty sweet-looking game.

Marvel: Ultimate Alliance.

So as soon as I got to the dorm, I popped it into the PS2 and started playing. It was amazing. I could actually work this game. I could actually play it without feeling completely incompetent. I was so excited.

The objective of the game is to form an alliance of four superheroes in order to defeat evil and all the usual superhero stuff. My current alliance is Wolverine, Iron Man, Deadpool, and Storm. Yeah, it's pretty much a sausage-fest.

But anyway, I'm stoked about this game! Usually, the only games I'm any good at are Guitar Hero, Rock Band, and Tony Hawk American Underground. With this, I'm hoping to become a better gamer by taking baby steps. Wish me luck! I'll definitely need it.

Ten Great Films You've Probably Never Heard Of

2008-12-01T14:13:00.000-08:00

Here are ten absolutely wonderful films that you may or may not have heard of. Some of them are a little strange, some a bit stupid, others are just plain dirty. But all of them are, in their own special way, fantastic.

1.) The Dreamers
Starring: Micheal Pitt, Eva Green, Louis Garrel
Plot: An American student befriends fraternal twins Theo and Isabelle in 1968 France. As their friendship grows, so does the student conflicts in the streets. Eventually all three learn that-- along with love-- jealousy, fear, and change also grows.
Why You Might Like It: It's not exactly your conventional love story. And if you're a mainstream movie watcher looking to get into indies, this is the perfect film to just throw you in.

2.) A Price Above Rubies
Starring: Renee Zellweger, Christopher Eccleston
Plot: A young woman who is married to a devout Jew seeking to become a rabbi questions both her place in the world and her faith.
Why You Might Like It: If you're a fan of Renee Zellweger, this is a good piece of her early work. It's also a good film for those who like to question certain age-old ideas.

3.) Party Monster
Starring: Macaulay Culkin, Seth Green, Chloe Sevigny, Dylan McDermott, Wilson Cruz
Plot: The true story of how drugs, murder, and a taste of glamour brought down notorious Club Kid Micheal Alig. Based on the book "Disco Bloodbath" by James St. James.
Why You Might Like It: Glitz, costumes, dancing, drugs, glamour, sex, and murder. This movie has something for everyone. If you're a fan of dark humor, then this one will definitely please.

4.) Adventures of Priscilla, Queen of the Desert
Starring: Hugo Weaving, Guy Pearce, Terence Stamp
Plot: Two drag queens and a transsexual man take their cabaret show on the road in a old, beat-down camper named Priscilla.
Why You Might Like It: C'mon, who doesn't like drag queens? This movie is packed with laughs, cringes, and "the occasional frock."

5.) Deuces Wild
Starring: Stephen Dorff, Brad Renfro, Fairuza Balk, Norman Reedus, Matt Dillon, Drea DeMatteo
Plot: Set in 1950's Brooklyn, this tale of two streets gangs, the Deuces and the Vipers, weaves us a yarn of love, family, and honor.
Why You Might Like It: If you like those movies that are borderline cheese, but are still entertaining then you'll love this. Plus, it's packed with dozens of stars, both indie and mainstream: Stephen Dorff, Brad Renfro, Matt Dillon, James Franco, Frankie Muniz, Vincent Pastore, and even an uncredited Johnny Knoxville!

6.) Jack the Giant Killer
Starring: Kerwin Matthews, Judi Meredith, Torin Thatcher
Plot: Hero Jack, must save his beautiful Princess Elaine from the clutches of the evil wizard Pendragon.
Why You Might Like It: Dude, it's a Harryhausen film. It's bound to be awesome in some way. This movie makes us grateful for modern special effects and...capable writers. Plus, there's a leprechaun. Don't ask me why, but there's one there.

7.) Audition
Starring: Ryo Ishisbashi, Eihi Shiina
Plot: A lonely man finds out in the worst way possible that his newest girlfriend isn't exactly what she seems.
Why You Might Like It: If you're a fan of J-Horror or of just horror movies in general, then this movie is definitely for you. It's way scarier and smarter than anything that's been put made lately by American filmmakers.

8.) A Face In The Crowd
Starring: Andy Griffith, Patricia Neal, Walter Matthau
Plot: A bum named "Lonesome" Rhodes becomes an overnight singing sensation and eventually falls into the whole drugs, sex, and rock-n-roll lifestyle.
Why You Might Like It: It's got a pre-Mayberry Andy Griffith playing the "bad boy" blues singer. And it's directed by one of my personal favorite Code-Era directors Elia Kazan.

9.) Baby Doll
Starring: Carroll Baker, Eli Wallach, Karl Malden
Plot: "Babydoll" is the nineteen year old wife of sweaty, balding, cotton farmer Archie Lee. Although been married for almost two years, their marriage has never been consummated. Babydoll, who is considered "a cold woman" by her husband, is later warmed up by the mysterious stranger Silva Vacarro.
Why You Might Like It: This steamy Southern drama was way ahead of it's time. Because of its "racy" plot content, it was banned immoral by the League of Decency and was condemned by critics. If all that hullaballoo isn't enough to peak your interest, then I don't know what will.

10.) The Triplets of Belleville
Starring: Beatrice Bonifassi
Plot: In this French cartoon, a young bicyclist is captured and his grandmother-- accompanied only by her dog and three elderly sisters-- must find a way to rescue him.
Why You Might Like It: This is an extremely unique cartoon. The animation is quite different, the humor quirky, and the music is beautiful.

Review: Tropic Thunder

2008-12-01T14:08:00.000-08:00

All I can say is that this movie is quite possibly one of the funniest comedies I've seen in a long time. I was on the floor, in tears, laughing for most of the film. In fact, it was so funny that I even went and listened to the commentary after I was done watching it. Yes...it's that good.

The plot of Tropic Thunder pokes fun at some of the best and brightest of Hollywood land. Three spoiled, narcissistic actors are hired to do a movie based on Vietnam veteran "Four Leaf" Tayback's (Nick Nolte) best-selling memoir. Unfortunatly, they are so caught up within themselves that they set back prodution a whole month only five days into shooting. So in an attempt to "make men out of them," director Damien Cockburn (Steve Coogan) teams with Four Leaf and special-effects master/pyromaniac Cody (Danny McBride) to formulate a plot. They decide to dump the actors in the middle of the Vietnamese jungle, leave them with nothing but their costumes, props, and scripts, and let them wander around all whilst being filmed with hidden cameras in trees and shrubberies and the like. When the plans go awry, the actors figure out that, not only are they stuck in the jungle, but that they are also stuck with each other. What results is 90 minutes of pure comedic gold.

Normally, I'm not a big fan of comedies like this. Yeah, Ben Stiller's funny but sometimes it's just a little too much. But this...oh, man...this was a masterpiece. Part of it has to do with the fantastic casting. Stiller, Black, and Downey Jr. have the best comedic chemistry that I've seen in a while. Each character has their own unique and equally gut-busting problems. Jack Black play Jeff Portnoy, the funniest man in Hollywood and also the biggest drug-addict. The entire film, we witness him going through withdrawals-- which shouldn't be funny, but dammit it is! Ben Stiller is Tugg Speedman, the iconic action star who can't really act. His struggle throughout the film is with his own self-worth, and no matter what the jungle throws at him, he's dead set on finishing the film. Finally, Robert Downey Jr. plays Kirk Lazarus-- a five-time Oscar winning Australian method actor who gets so deep into character that he loses himself. For Tropic Thunder, Lazarus underwent a skin pigmentation surgery to look like his black character, Lincoln Osiris. The entire film he doesn't break character-- a jive-talking, black man, from God-Knows-Where. This causes a lot of frustration amongst the fellow actors.

But the scene-stealer is definitely the one and only master of Scientology, Tom Cruise. Cruise plays the ball-busting, foul-mouthed producer of Tropic Thunder Les Grossman. I never knew that Cruise could be truly funny. But all of his scenes are garunteed to make you laugh until you cry.

Also, if you're a fan of war movies, then you'll appreciate the homages laced throughout the film. There's scene mocking Platoon, Born On the Fourth of July, and Full Metal Jacket. Just don't take them too seriously, otherwise you might be a bit offended.

I've gotten wind that Robert Downey Jr. is to receive a Best Actor Oscar nomination for his role in this film. And to that I say, "Damn good job, RDJ." I'm not sure if I'm ready for a comedic role to recieve an Oscar, but hell I say the man deserves it. He got gypped out in 1992 for Chaplin (he lost out to Al Pacino in Scent of a Woman) and I think that he should get another chance. The only way I won't support him is if Heath Ledger gets put on the Best Actor bill. Sorry Robbie, but I gotta go with my Joker.

Anyway, that's beside the point. The point is that this film has it all: actual humor, great acting, good filmmaking, and a relevant plot. Rare to find all of these together in a comedy film. Go out and rent Tropic Thunder tonight!

Robert Downey Jr.-- Coolest Dude In Hollywood.

2008-12-01T12:51:00.000-08:00

So after watching the absolutely hilarious film Tropic Thunder, and then re-watching the head-exploding ferocity that is Iron Man, I came to the conclusion that Robert Downey Jr. is officially my favorite person in Hollywood right now. Wanna know why? Huh? Wanna know why?!

'Cause he's freaking Robert Downey Jr. That's why.

But, for argument's sake, I've compiled a list of reasons why RDJ (hee, that's what bloggers call him) is officially to coolest dude in Hollywood.

1.) Dude, he's Iron Man. The guy was born to play Tony Stark, it's as simple as that. And anytime you can take a hardcore DC fan like myself and make her cross over to Marvel, you've done a damn good job.

2.) The guy has worked hard to come back into the mainstream. Yeah, he was a drug-addict. Yeah, he got arrested for possesion of crack and heroin. Yeah, he's been to rehab more times that Cher's been to the plastic surgeon. But you've got to admit, the man has worked his ass off to get back to where he fell from in the 80's. And all that hard work has paid off tremendously.

3.) He has great acting chops. If you look even back in the 80's when he first started out as a Brat-Packer, you can see that RDJ has huge potential. His character in Less Than Zero will break your heart, and make you hate him at the same time. Good stuff. Now he's playing everything from a superhero to a black guy to Sherlock Holmes. Simply amazing.

4.) There's talk that he's being nominated for a best actor Oscar for his role in Tropic Thunder. Yes, you heard right. Tropic Thunder. Anytime someone can star in a potty-mouthed, Ben Stiller-helmed, raunchy comedy and be nominated for an Oscar you know that they're damn good.

5.) Chaplin. That's all I have to say. Go rent this film. Absolute brilliance.

6.) Okay, this one is just for me-- the man is fantastic looking. To me, at least. They're nothing sexier than a gut who still has that bad-boy air about him without actually being a drug-addict. Sorry, I just had to throw that one in there for myself.

So there you go. Six reasons why I think Robert Downey Jr. is officially the coolest guy in Hollywood right now. I really hope to see him in more stuff soon. And I'm so looking forward to The Soloist, coming out in March 2009, and the Guy Ritchie-helmed Sherlock Holmes film. RDJ, you'll always have our hearts!

Review: "Joker" Graphic Novel

2008-12-01T10:36:00.000-08:00

Christmas came early this year for this particular blogger.

Friday I managed to finally get my hands on the new Brian Azzarello/Lee Bermejo graphic novel "Joker" which I had previewed earlier in my blog. I predicted that it would be pretty dang amazing.

And let me be the first to say that it didn't disappoint.

The story is told through the eyes of the Joker's newest right-hand man, Jonny Frost. All Jonny wants is to be a big shot, not just some "two-bit hood, hustling small potatoes"-- but the only way to do this is to lay himself at the mercy of the Clown Prince of Crime. Through his narration, we are taken on a roller coaster ride of drugs, death, and depravity.

Jonny learns that the Joker has somehow managed to convince Arkham Asylum doctors that he is no longer insane, and that he is getting out of prison. He takes a chance and volunteers to go pick up good ol' Mr. J at Arkham. For reasons never fully known, the Joker takes an immediate liking to Jonny and begins to train him as his newest gang member.

When Joker gets out of Arkham, he discovers that all the money that he worked so hard to steal has been divvied up and squandered by his underbosses. This does not make him very happy. Rounding up the few criminals he can still trust, he sets out on a killing spree the likes of which Gotham's underbelly has never before seen.

The one thing I was completely impressed with in this graphic novel was how Azzarello and Bermejo re-imagined all the traditional characters. Both visually and psychologically intriguing, every single character makes you want to reread their panels over and over again. For all you Batman purists out there, we get pretty much the entire original Rogue's Gallery: Joker, Two-Face, Penguin, Riddler, Harley Quinn, and Croc. I'm extremely tempted to describe in detail every one of the villains, but I'll just leave it up to the reader to go and find out for themselves.

The Joker in this graphic novel is one that we've never seen before. His look and some of his traits are eerily similar to Christopher Nolan's Joker (i.e. Cheshire Grin, funky suits, penchant for laceration) but Azzarello and Bermejo started working on this project two years before the release of Dark Knight. Strange coincidence, no? But whether it's plagiarism, the common sharing of ideas, or simply divine intervention, one thing is for certain: the new Joker kicks so much ass. Not since The Killing Joke was I actually frightened by the Joker. With this particular graphic novel, I was legitimately freaked out by the time I finished reading. He becomes more than just a character-- he seems to come alive within the pages and scares the pants off of the reader. But you can't help but like him, and that scares you even more. Kind of makes you question your own sanity. But there's another, more relatable side to Joker that is shown to us in this graphic novel. It is revealed to us that the Joker has a very human side to him-- flawed, imperfect, weak, and even vulnerable. One panel almost brought me to tears. It shows a sobbing Joker clinging to the waist of his one and only Harley who gently strokes his hair. This kind of-- dare I say it-- sensitivity, is something we've never seen in the Joker before. But of course, the Joker gives meaning to the word "volatile," and after he's done crying he proceeds to go on a shooting spree in Gotham, laughing along the way. In true good villain fashion, by the end of the book you don't know whether to love him, hate him, or just feel sorry for him. Only true masters can pull this trick off. Azzarello/Bermejo did this well.

One thing that is extremely compelling about this graphic novel is that Batman almost never present. Most of the time he is alluded to by the Joker and other villains as "Him." In fact, the Dark Knight doesn't show up until the last three pages. But when he does, oh boy, does he show up with a bang. One thing that made me just squeal with delight was the fact that he has only one line. Just one. But that one line is so packed with disdain and sarcasm that it will send you careening with a newly resurrected love for our boy in black.

All in all, I give Joker my stamp of approval. I found it a great read, especially amongst some of the dreck that is being published nowadays. Also, for you casual readers, it will probably spark a new interest in comics and graphic novels. Joker is available for $20 at any Books-A-Million or Barnes and Noble, so go get one today you cheap bastard!

New "Watchmen" Trailer

2008-11-18T17:12:00.000-08:00

There's a new Watchmen trailer released online. It's more like a regular trailer. It gives the non-fans the whole gist of what the movie is about. There's also a whole lot more never-before-seen footage, and dialogue. Also, you get to see the big, blue naked Dr. Manhatten. Cool! So...here's the link:

http://www.worstpreviews.com/trailer.php?id=590&item=12

And enjoy!

Why I'm The Worst College Student Ever

2008-11-18T12:40:00.000-08:00

So, I have recently discovered that I'm officially the worst college student ever. I even have the affirmation of my own mother to verify this. Here's how I came to find out this troubling news:

Last Thursday night, a bunch of girls that I'm friends with were going out to this place called The Buzz in Hammond. The whole day, I planned on going. They we're leaving around eight and were going to be spending the night at one of the girl's house in McComb. I didn't have any tests the next day, nor did I have an early class so this plan was perfect for me. That was until, I found out that the new episode of "The Office" was coming on that night at eight. Now, I haven't been able to watch the new season because I've been so busy with soccer and school so needless to say, I was pretty psyched that I would finally be able to watch it. But oops...I had other obligations.

So, I had to make a choice. Go out for a "college night life" i.e. dancing, partying, meeting guys, laughing, and having lots of 18+ fun?

Or stay in the dorm room, make some Ramen noodles, put on my favorite hoodie, eat some cheesecake and watch the newest episode of "The Office?"

I chose the latter.

I can't say that I regret my decision. The episode was (as usual) hilarious, and got to witness the return of Pam from New York. (Yay, Jim and Pam!) But I still felt like the world's biggest dork for not going out and partying with the girls. My feelings were later confirmed when I told my mom about and she looked at me and said, "Wow....you are the worst college student I've ever known."

My own, biological mother. So mean.

I might just do the same thing this Thursday night. After all, I have a Biology test on Friday. And it's a new episode. Again.

Quantum of Solace: A Review

2008-11-17T10:26:00.000-08:00

All I can say is that the new Bond films are pure genius. Daniel Craig is the perfect James Bond, Paul Haggis is a brilliant writer, and Marc Forster (surprisingly) is a fantastic director. Although I will admit sometimes it's far-reaching, it is still a good film.

Bond is back, and with a smoldering vengeance. Quantum is the first direct sequel to a preceding Bond film, and it picks up just an hour after Casino Royale ended. Quantum has everything a good Bond film needs: hot cars, Bond babes, chase scenes, and awesome villains. Plus, it has a little something extra: substance. With Daniel Craig we get to see a side of Bond that we've never seen before. We see the flawed, dark assassin that 007 was trained to be. He's a little bit heartless, he has a few issues, but he doesn't let that get in the way of his work.

Throughout Quantum, Bond is seeking revenge on whoever was responsible for his love Vesper Lynd's death. Eventually, it leads him to a multi-billion organization known only as Quantum. Quantum is led by the villain Dominic Greene, who's basically a warlord of sorts. His plan is simple: starts wars and sit back to reap the benefits. And does this under the guise of a humanitarian corporation.

Mathieu Amalric is absolutely thrilling as Greene. He isn't your conventional Bond villain. He's not bald, he doesn't have a eye that cries blood, and he doesn't plate people in gold. But he is wholly frightening. His performance is that of a man who has power through business, and who poses as the ally when really he is the completely psychotic enemy. His diminutive, wormy character contrasts well against Craig's buff bad-ass Bond. He is joined by a Bolivian general named Medrano who aids him in his ghastly plan, as well as a pretty unique sidekick named Elvis. Yes, you heard right...Elvis.

The Bond girls in Quantum are as different as they come. The first is MI6 agent Strawberry Fields, a no-nonsense redhead sent to retrieve Bond from Haiti. She is a good refreshing take on the Bond girls of this generation: young, fashionable, and funny. Fields has a few comic moments with 007 that (of course) lead to her seduction. The second Bond girl is Camille, a woman that is joined by Bond in his quest to defeat Dominic Greene. She is using Greene to get to General Medrano who killed her family. Typical Bond revenge story. Olga Kurylenko who plays Camille does that tough-girl thing well without getting on your nerves.

Then we come to the man himself: Daniel Craig. Who new that the perfect James Bond would come in a blond, blue-eyed, 5'11" indie actor? We sure didn't. But he is fantastic in this film. And it's not just because he looks great in itsy-bitsy swim trunks (although he does get brownie points for that.) Craig trained for months to do all his stunts on both Casino and Quantum. And he suffered for it. Dislocated shoulder, stitches to the face, broken ribs, sliced-off fingers-- it seems as if there's a price to pay for good acting. But not only does he kick ass physically, he does it with his acting as well. As I've said before, he brings actual substance to the Bond character-- we see his dark side, we see his sentimental side, and we see him severely pissed off. So kudos to you Daniel Craig! Congratulations on being able to hold that balance between sexy and smart.

So, onto the stunts. This is one of those high-paced films that doesn't leave you saying "Now what was that all about?" There is an actual need for the car chases, the boat chases, and the foot chases that place themselves oh so wonderfully throughout this 2-hour adrenaline ride. The pacing is quick, but not in a way that makes you feel bloated with action. There's dialogue and then action, dialogue and plot, then dialogue and action again-- this formula is hard to pin down, but when you get it right, it's a slice of cinematic fried gold.

So there you have it! My take on the new Bond film Quantum of Solace. It's in theatres now, so go and see it people! It's a good date movie, or just a good movie to go see in general. What are you waiting for? Scoot!

A Strange Night

2008-11-12T11:57:00.001-08:00

You ever have one of those nights where just one weird thing after another just keeps happening? Yeah, that was my night two nights ago...

It was 2 A.M. I was happily frolicking through dreamland and enjoying some quality acid trippy dreams when I was suddenly stirred from my sleep by a noise. It was the most hellacious, loud, and obnoxious grinding noise I had ever heard. It was like a thousand fingernails were being dragged across the chalkboards they use in Hell. In truth, it probably wasn't that bad, but I was just interrupted from my REM cycle and everything sounds worse then. Rolling over onto my back, I thought that maybe I had been dreaming, but then the sound persisted. It finally registered that this this was my window opening, and a natural sense of paranoia washed over me. When I'm half-asleep, I have a problem keeping my thoughts from verbalizing themselves so the first thing I did was say out loud, "Holy sh**, someone's breaking in my room." In actuality, I think it came out more like, "Ho sheez, sum...break'n in...room." Because, again, I'm not the most spry person when I'm just waking up. Suddenly, I heard a girl's voice outside my window and (being the coherent and clever person I am) I yelled, "Who the hell is that?" She giggled and identified herself. It was a friend of mine from down the hall. They had gone out to a club and, coming in past curfew, wanted a window to sneak in. They had mistaken my window for my next-door-neighbors, Kasey. They apologized as I helped them crawl through the cramped window and I just waved them off and threw myself back into bed. The next afternoon, I saw both the girls and they once again apologized for interrupting my sleep. I told them that there was no harm done except in the fact that they truly frightened me and (if I was a more alert person) I might have hurt them in some way, not knowing who they were.

Also that night, I started sleepwalking. I woke up next to Jessica's bed (she wasn't there that night) and was taking off all the random junk piled on her bed for no apparent reason. Needless to say, I was confused. Nonetheless, I lumbered back to my side of the room and went back to sleep.

So yeah, that was my really strange night. It was definitely weird. And slightly disturbing.

Epic Fail of the Week

2008-11-12T07:51:00.000-08:00

About a week ago I lost my college I.D. And by "lost" I mean, it literally just dropped off the face of the planet. Well, I turned my perpetually-messy dorm room upside down looking for it (and then proceeded to clean it afterwards out of sheer frustration) then proceeded to do the same to my car. Alas, to no avail-- my I.D. was still lost. Ever the optimist, I thought to myself, "Well maybe I left it back at home this weekend," and decided that if I could not find it there that I would just buy a new one. Unfortunately, the drill went the same at home: bedroom-- no I.D., Jessica's house-- no I.D., Mom's car-- no I.D. Forlornly, I went back to school and decided to buy a new I.D.

As Monday rolled around, I went to the Student Services building and purchased my shiny new I.D. Finally, I could once again eat in the cafeteria and go to study hall! So exciting! The next day, Tuesday, I was getting ready to go the cafeteria for supper and decided I needed a jacket for the cafeteria. I reached for a light jacket which I had not worn in about two weeks and pulled it on. Reaching to zip it up, I felt my hand rake across something flat and plastic clipped to the bottom seam....

My old I.D.

A loud string of expletives that I'm sure could be heard ringing throughout the dorms exploded out of my mouth. My suite-mates, who were standing in our hallway, burst out in laughter and asked me what was wrong. In reply, I simply held up my old I.D. This prompted even more raucous laughter from them.

Cursing softly to myself, I continued my journey to the cafeteria where I got my food, scanned my old I.D., and sat down to the single most worst meal of my life.

So that's my epic fail of the week. Lovely.

Mom, Are You Reading This? It's My X-Mas List.

2008-11-11T08:47:00.000-08:00

What do you get when you take director Kevin Smith, mix in a little bit of Batman, and multiply it by comic books?

Pure, unadulterated awesomeness.

Kevin Smith, the director of the cult classics Clerks, Mallrats, Dogma, has paired up with artist Walt Flanagan to create a new Batman comic which will be released tomorrow. It is called Batman: Cacophony

I know, weird title. But regardless!

The comic is a three-part miniseries that follows the villain Onomatopoeia (one of Smith's own creations) who has it out for the Dark Knight. It also features our favorite, the Joker, and the serial killer Victor Zsasz.

The comic will sell for $3.99, but you can get an autographed copy on Smith's website for $10.00. Here's the link: http://www.viewaskew.com/main.html

In other comic book news, there is a new Joker graphic novel out that bases the character on the Joker seen in The Dark Knight. It is simply named The Joker. It is written by Brian Azzarello who penned the acclaimed 100 Bullets series. He also collaborated with Frank Miller and Jim Lee in one of my favorite series All Star Batman and Robin the Boy Wonder.

And in step with this new, realistic Joker, the plot is as real and gritty as they come. After yet another stint in Arkham Asylum, the Joker decides to bust out an take back Gotham as it's number one crime boss and villain.

The whole comic is told through the Joker's eyes. And although Batman only shows up once or twice, he's always there somehow.

This comic book managed to re-imagine every single villain that we know an love-- but in a good way! The Joker is a hard-ass, slick crime boss. The Riddler is a Converse-wearing, genius punk who is followed by a gang of kids who's cars look like they're straight out of The Fast and The Furious. Harley Quinn is a tough biker babe who acts as the Joker's body guard. And that's only the beginning. Several other villains make their appearance as well, including Two-Face, Killer Croc, and the Penguin.

Needless to say, I'm extremely excited for both of these comics. They're already on my Christmas list. So hopefully, I'll be able to get them soon and update you guys on how they are.

Huh?

2008-11-11T08:33:00.000-08:00

Well....Batman is suing The Dark Knight.

Don't believe me?

Follow this link.

Trust me. It's worth your time.

http://www.worstpreviews.com/headline.php?id=10773&count=0

Top Five Scariest Movies

2008-11-10T11:38:00.000-08:00

Here is a movie list I compiled for the SMCC newspaper's Halloween edition. I wanted to post it here because I yearn for the good ol' days in Mr. Seal's journalism class when I got to go to the movies every weekend because "that was my job." Mr. Seal, if you're reading this then I hope it is up to snuff for you!

Top Five Scariest Horror Movies
by: Taylor Meyers

In the spirit of Halloween, I’ve compiled a list of what I believe are the scariest movies ever. So if you’ve seen them, maybe you can watch them again and if you haven’t watched them, you can try and find them. Have fun getting spooked!

The Shining
This movie is quite possibly both Jack Nicholson’s most recognizable role as well as one of Stanly Kubrick’s most popular masterpieces. “The Shining” is a slow-building, nerve-wracking, thriller that still shocks and terrifies even today. This is one of the few flawless horror films in cinematic history. Every detail in the movie is meticulously and perfectly crafted into a masterpiece of horror. Jack Nicholson’s twitchy, nail-biting performance is beautiful from beginning to end. As his sanity begins to slowly fade and tension builds, he has us asking “When is he going to snap?” and he does it when we least expect it. Nicholson’s brilliant acting is paralleled by child-actor Daniel Lloyd, who played the unwittingly terrifying son Danny. His famous “redrum” scene will make you scared to ever look at a mirror in the dark again. As both Danny and Jack are overtaken by the hotel’s ghosts, the scares get bigger and better. Quite possibly one of the most memorable and horrifying scenes in “The Shining” is the one in which Danny goes on an innocent big-wheel ride and meets the ghosts of two little girls. As they beckon “Come play with us,” it is revealed that they were brutally murdered by someone or something in the hotel. This particular scene still makes me wary of walking down hotel hallways alone… But no matter what scene scared you the most, one thing is certain: “The Shining” is a classic horror film that stands the tests of time and will continue to frighten for decades to come.

28 Days Later
This new-age, British horror is a refreshing new take on the zombie-horror genre. Cillian Murphy plays one of the last uninfected humans in London, and he must find a way to survive. This simple premise makes up a two hours of heart racing movie-making. One of the most disturbing scenes is the first—when a confused Jim (Murphy) awakes in a deserted hospital to discover that he is the last person alive in London. A sweeping, overhead shot shows the entire city deserted—the only signs of life being pictures of “missing” people adorning city walls and newspapers littering the streets. This first major scene gives the viewer the feeling of complete isolation and strips them of all hope. This simple feeling of desolation grows throughout the film and creates an atmosphere that most zombie movies don’t—you say to yourself, “This could really happen.” If you are a fan of zombie movies “28 Days Later” will put a new spin on the cult genre. The undead, aren’t really undead at all, but instead are crazed, primal humans. Director Danny Boyle’s interpretation of “zombies” is different, realistic, and wholly frightening. Although these zombies still crave human flesh, they also retain some of their human aspects—including the intelligence to ambush prey and the ability to run with amazing speed. The soft-focus camera work gives the whole film an eerie, documentary-like appearance that unnerves the viewer with its realism. This realism, paired with fantastic acting and cinematography, collaborates to make an uncannily different type of horror film.

Audition (Oodishon)
This is a Japanese tale of obsession, insanity, and the price that loneliness can cost you. The story revolves around Aoyama, a lonely widower who longs for a new wife. He and his friend, a movie producer, hold “auditions” for Aoyama’s potential new wife. Finally, Aoyama decides on a sweet, shy, and quiet girl named Asami. As the film progresses, we begin to see that Asami is not all she seems to be. Her past is a dark and strange one—laced with abuse, disappointment, and psychological damage. Soon, that psychological damage starts to leak out onto the screen. We get to witness the torture that Asami inflicts upon Aoyama’s family and friends—dismemberment, starvation, and imprisonment. In my opinion, the Asian filmmakers are the only ones today making truly frightening films. First, we had “Ringu”, then “Ju-On”, and then came “Audition.” All three films are genuinely unnerving and wholly terrifying in a very human and real way. “Audition” is comparable to America’s “Saw” franchise when it comes to frightening torture scenes—each one is unique, disturbing, and horrific. The whole film is done in only the way the Japanese can: high-saturated color, slow-paced, quiet scares, and then they finally springing the terror on you at the very end. “Audition” is pretty hard to find on DVD here in Mississippi, but if you do manage to find it, it’s worth your trouble. I guarantee you’ll have to spend the next few nights with the light on.

Jaws
This movie isn’t a horror film in the conventional sense—but it will scare the living daylights out of you. Nothing is scarier than a big, giant animal that can swallow you whole and digest you. Even more frightening is the fact that you don’t see the shark until the last twenty minutes of film (although this wasn’t intentional, it was simply because the mechanical shark kept malfunctioning.) The only thing that even hints at the shark’s is John Williams’ now-infamous score. Go on—try getting into the water without hearing that ominous “ba-dum…ba-dum…” in your head! The sheer ferocity of the shark’s appetite for the New England islanders is chilling—the death counts starts with one lonely skinny-dipper and rises to several vacationing tourists. Some of the most terrifying lines are simple facts, such as “Is it true that most people get attacked by sharks in about three feet of water?” and, “From the size of this bite-mark, I say we’re looking at at least a 12-footer.” Wrong. Dead wrong. After seeing this movie, most people won’t go near the beach much less go swimming. Comedian Dane Cook even said, “After watching Jaws, I won’t even drink a big glass of water.” But even if you can get in the water after watching the movie, “Jaws” will still stick with you for a long time.

It
This movie is quite possibly the root of all clown-based fears. Take creepy actor Tim Curry, add some even creepier clown makeup, and put it all together with writer Stephen King and you’ve got a film that will scar small children for life. I don’t know anyone who is not somehow frightened by this film—whether it is the clown, the demonic undertones, or Tim Curry’s teeth. “It” is just fright after fright after fright, nonstop for the entirety of the film. Stephen King is the master of horror, and he managed to take a seemingly innocent figure—a circus clown—and turn it into something completely evil and horrifying. Only King could do that. Tim Curry’s performance made Pennywise the Clown a staple in the rogue’s gallery of villains. The creepy, scratchy voice and the horrific pointy teeth make Pennywise both visually and emotionally terrifying. If you’re not afraid of clowns now, watch this film and I guarantee you’ll change your mind.

2008-11-10T11:31:00.000-08:00

This was a little article I wrote for the SMCC newspaper The Pine Burr. The ending is a bit abrupt, but that was because it was running so long. My editor made me cut it down a bit and I had a deadline, so that was the best I could do. So enjoy!

A Most Remarkable Weekend in Birmingham
by Taylor Meyers

Last weekend, my roommate/best friend Jessica Holliday, her mother, and I went on a pilgrimage to Birmingham, Alabama. Our purpose was to see the Leonardo da Vinci exhibit featured at the Birmingham Museum of Art. I myself had never been to Birmingham before and was simply elated of the fact that I would be visiting a new city. Little did I suspect that Birmingham held more than just a museums and shops—it held a history and culture that was all its own.

Once we actually got to Birmingham (after a near sanity-shattering five hour car drive) we managed to get checked into our hotel. Happily, it was smack-dab in the middle of Birmingham, and only a few streets away from the museum—and much to our pleasure, a comfortable walking distance. The hotel itself was the Tutwiler, a hotel built in 1914 that has been preserved for generations and is now in the National Historic Hotel Registry. The outside’s architecture exuded the fine Southern Gothic days that were personified by steely black cars, refined men in black business suits, and women who never went out without their stocking and pumps. The interior was laden with the trappings of old-southern sophistication and elegance: wall-to-wall Persian carpeting, marble-floored bathrooms, gold filigree light fixtures, the works. The hotel seemed to be a placed that jumped off the page of a Tennessee Williams play or a William Faulkner novel. Needless to say, that night’s sleep was the best I've gotten in quite awhile.

The next morning, we left the hotel early so we could beat the crowd to the exhibit. The morning was crisp and cool, with a brisk wind that reminded all of us that fall had finally hit the South. Inside the museum however, it was dim and warm—a safe and nurturing feeling. We were directed by the slightly overweight security to the upstairs level where the exhibit was being held. After receiving magnifying glasses (given to us with the simple advice, “You’re gonna need it.”) we entered double-doors into a cool, dark room that held the works of The Great Master.

Imagine walking in to a dimly-lit room, and the first thing your still-adjusting eyes behold is a small scrap of paper—no larger than a dinner napkin—illuminated by a soft light. Upon this paper is, at first glance, what appears to be an unremarkable sketch of a woman’s face. But as you look closer, and your eyes finally adjust to the meticulously dimmed lights, you can begin to see the complex hatching and cross-hatching charcoal marks that make up shadows on the woman’s eyes, cheeks, and hair. Yes, at first glance this seemingly insignificant piece of paper may seem completely ordinary—but given second thought, it turns into a scrap of history and human progression incarnate. This is what it feels like to walk into a room filled with sketches by the great master himself, Leonardo da Vinci.

Every drawing was unremarkable at first glance. Well, as unremarkable as a drawing by Leonardo da Vinci can be! As my friend and I squeezed in closer to the glass covers, we began to see the complexity hidden in the simplicity of da Vinci’s work. Everything, no matter how small or insignificant was painstakingly detailed: eyes, hair, muscles, shadows, and the like. All of the sketches were drawn to be used in some of his later works. One, for example, was of a young woman with large, light eyes and curly hair. This young woman would later be transformed into an angel for the painting “The Virgin on the Rocks.”

Some of the most interesting were of horses. He sketched the hindquarters, forequarters, legs, and hooves of the beast so that he could use them later to build a giant, bronze horse called “Il Caravallo.” Legend has it that the only reason da Vinci wanted to build “Il Caravallo” was to spite his rival Michelangelo, who once said that da Vinci lacked the artistic ability to build statues. Although he did later build it, “Il Caravallo” was later scrapped and melted down for weaponry. This account of history made Jess and I muse upon how much art and history has been destroyed by man over time—and how distressing it is to know that we will never see said art.

Also featured in the exhibit was da Vinci’s sketch book, The Codex of Flight, which was his study of birds and how they moved and flew. The book showed that not only was da Vinci a master artist, but a leading pioneer in the study of flight. He was a leader of thought on the theory of headwinds and tailwinds as well as flight patterns. This codex would come into very important play when da Vinci was attempting to build his flying machine. The museum had an interactive computer program that allowed you to look through, translate, and read the codex. Translating the cryptic writing proved to be a difficult task for the researchers—da Vinci wrote both backwards and mirror-image.

After touring the museum, we continued our trek around Birmingham on foot. This proved to be a very smart move on our part. There happened to be and University of Alabama game going on that day and traffic was blocked off on most streets. The first place we visited was the civil right historic part of town. While there, we visited the 16th street church where in 1963 four little girls were killed in a bombing. Across the street from the church was the Civil Rights Museum, and across the street from that was Kelly Ingram Park, a park dedicated the civil rights movement.

While idling in Kelly Ingram Park, suddenly we were approached by an older black man that we would later learn was named Andrew. Softly he looked at us with smiling eyes and said, “Excuse me ladies, can I tell you what ya’ll have missed?” in a gentle voice. We looked at each other, and then back at the hunched but confident figure and nodded at him, and with this affirmation Andrew smiled and began to speak. He started to weave us a tapestry of the human history behind the park and its significance in the civil rights movement in Birmingham. As he spoke, Andrew’s gentle voice got louder, stronger, and sure with conviction. He explained the symbolism behind the several statues and sculptures in the park. It was once a whites-only park and a black person could get arrested for even walking through it, he told us. That was until three local preachers got down on their knees and prayed for equality in the South. This simple act of faith and defiance made the park a stepping-stone for demonstrations and protest all throughout the civil rights movement. Andrew told us his own personal story as well: as a child, he saw his neighborhood friends march in protest against the National Guard and police force. He saw friends arrested, hosed, and attacked by dogs during demonstrations in the park. He later became homeless and lived in the park until a local preacher approached him, helped him find a job, a home, and ultimately a sense of purpose in the world. Andrew told us, with a huge smile on his face, that he now spent his weekends telling strangers both his story and the story of the thousands who cannot speak today—the story of the black southerners that struggled through and overcame in the old South.

Andrew’s story was absolutely riveting. The three of us stood there for an hour, hanging on to this man’s every word. His story, his life, and what he lived through was simply captivating. He left us with one simple request: “When ya’ll leave me here, I want ya’ll to do one thing if nothin’ else…” He raised a long finger and pointed it to the center of the park where four fountains stood, immortalizing the four little girls who lost their lives in the bombing. He looked deep into our eyes and continued, “I want ya’ll to go over there, stand in the center of those four fountains…and just listen. Just listen. ‘Cause each fountain sounds different…’cause each of them little girls was different. Ain’t no one of them fountains sound the same…” He paused for a long moment, but never took his eyes of any of us. “I want ya’ll to read them words that’s wrote on the ground too…and just think about it…and if ya’ll don’t take away nothin’ else that I said today, at least take away them words.” And with that, he smiled a huge grin and shook all our hands and walked away.

As we left Kelly Ingram Park, we were emotionally charged and ready for something new. We eventually found our way to the McWane Science Center, a recreational science museum and IMAX theatre. After tooling around in the gift shop for a bit, we all made our way over to entertainment center of Birmingham. There we found a multi-color array of clothing shops, clubs, restaurants, and even tattoo parlors. After retrieving some much-needed Starbucks, we wandered into a shop called TriBeCa where we picked up a few beautiful items of clothing. Even the most menial task such as shopping seemed exotic and glamorous in this part of Birmingham. It didn’t seem as if we were even in the South anymore—it was like we were poles apart in some New York City village. Of course, that was probably all due to the fact that the entire city was novelty to me.

That night, we returned to the hotel and prepared ourselves for a night out on the town. Our plans were to attend the Alabama Theatre, the first motion picture and stage theatre to be built in Birmingham. They often showed old silent films and classic films at night and mixed them with onstage acting. That particular night, in the spirit of Halloween, the Alabama was showing the 1927 silent film “The Phantom of the Opera,” starring Lon Chaney and Mary Philbin. When we arrived at the theatre, there were several people dressed to the nines in elaborate costumes. One man greeted us outside the theatre dressed as the superhero The Phantom, another man had transformed into the invisible man by wrapping himself head to toe in gauze, and another fan had come as the dreaded Phantom himself. As we entered the theatre a porter greeted us with an eerie smile that would have rivaled Vincent Price. “Good evening ladies,” he said in a soft voice, tinged with a British accent. “Welcome to the Alabama Theatre. Be warned…the Phantom is in the theatre tonight. So please, keep one hand above your head at all times to avoid his noose!” This warning in mind, we looked at each other warily and entered the theatre lobby.

The theatre managed to mix classic theatre and performance art together to create a splendid showcase for the audience. For the introduction, two men dressed as Death strode in solemnly, holding candelabras. They then stood at the corners of the stage and awaited their four other companions, who wheeled in a large coffin. Suddenly, the coffin creaked open and out stepped a man dressed in dark clothing and a swathe cape. As he arose from the coffin, a huge organ ascended from a trap door in the stage and he strode over to it and began to play. For and hour and a half, he provided the music for the silent film, playing nonstop and incredibly well. After it was over, he bowed deeply to the audience and strode offstage with an actor dressed as the Red Death. And sadly, the show was over.

That night, we returned to our hotel feeling very happy and very cultured. We were all sad to be leaving the next morning. As we began our drive back to Mississippi, we were weary with lack of sleep and the excitement of the day before. It seems strange that a city that is so close to home can still be so different and exciting. Birmingham, to a complete stranger like me, seemed like a city teeming rich with culture and tradition—all of which were fun to be a part of for a weekend.

Random Fact of the Day

2008-11-10T11:20:00.000-08:00

Random Fact: Orson Welles was not always fat!

Huh.

Found this out by watching Prince of Foxes this weekend with my mom. The guy was actually kinda slick back then.

Who knew?

Just felt like posting a random fact.

What's Got Two Thumbs and Is Stoked about "The Watchmen?" THIS CHICK!

2008-11-06T20:14:00.000-08:00

So, as many of you may know, one of the greatest comic book ever inked upon a page is coming to the big screen. That's right, Alan Moore's "The Watchmen."

And guess who is about to pee her pants in excitement?

ME!

At first, I was a bit leery about this masterpiece being transferred onto film. What with some of the more recent comic book fiascoes (see: Ang Lee's "Hulk" and Brett Ratner's third X-Men installment) I was a worried that some other asshat might come along and screw it up. But miracle of miracles, the people at Warner Bros decided to entrust this little nugget of awesomeness to the equally awesome Zack Snyder. For those of you who are unfamiliar with the ever-unstable and confusing terrain of Hollywoodland, Zack Snyder is the brilliant mind behind 300. Yes, I know. Take a moment to squeal in excitement.

Done? Okay, moving on...

I have immense faith in Snyder considering the ground-breaking work he did in 300. (And for those of you who disagree, you can go wallow in the drivel of Brett Ratner you great pillock.) From the footage I have seen of Watchmen it seems that he might just blow us away again in 2009.

The footage and trailers that have been released look very true to the style of the comics. The artist Dave Gibbons used a lot of secondary colors (purples, greens, oranges) to give the whole comic a different look-- Snyder is keeping true to this when it comes to costumes and set designs. Even the large-scale sets of New York City seems like something out of an Acid House dream.

Casting also stays true to the comic as well. Remember how in Sin City all the actors looked pretty much exactly like their characters? Watchmen is no different. Every actor seems like they were born to play their character from the most minute-- like the news stand guy-- to the biggest characters such as The Comedian.

Really the only way they can possibly screw this up is if the actors are bad. And I mean really bad. But I doubt that Snyder would lack the foresight to cast crappy actors. Anyway, just like in 300, I doubt that non-comic book fans will be paying much attention to dialogue or acting: the special effects alone look like a visual treat that will distract people from any discrepancies.

"But Taylor, why is this considered one of the greatest comic books of all time?" You ask.

Well person, I'll tell you why. In a list!

1. Alan Moore. Author of V for Vendetta, The Killing Joke, Swamp Thing, League of Extraordinary Gentlemen, this list could go on and on...

2. Superheroes with no actual superpowers. "Preposterous!" you say?! Well I slap you heartily upon the head with fine sheep mutton and say nay! The cool thing about these "superheroes" is that they are actually vigilantes-- just regular old Joes and Janes who just choose to kick ass and take names. Like Chuck Norris, but mortal.

3. Dave Gibbons. This ground-breaking artist has drawn for every publisher out there: Dark Horse, DC, Marvel, Vertigo, you name it. His unique use of paneling and smooth panel transitions make you feel like you are a part of the story. His prominent use of secondary colors is also quite intriguing.

4. Plot twists galore! If you like plot twists, then this is the comic for you. Oh hoo hoo hoo, will this comic make you go "What the crap?" every issue. But in the good way.

This list could go on for a while, but I'll just leave it at that.

All in all, this movie seems like the ultimate geekgasm. During the first showing of its trailer, I sat, mouth agape, staring at the huge screen that housed my favorite story. After the trailer was over with, I couldn't help but cheer loudly and go "Hot damn! Can't wait!" It has become my new Dark Knight. Ever since DK went out of theatres, I now have Watchmen to look forward to! Oh, anticipation, why do you torture me so?

So my friends, lets all take a moment and thank who or whatever it is that you worship for Zack Snyder, who (along with the help of a fantastic man named Christopher Nolan) helped restore our faith in the comic-book-turned-major-motion-picture genre. Thank you Zack. Thank you Saint Christopher Nolan. We love you. So much.

For The Love of God, DO NOT watch "The Happening"

2008-11-05T20:15:00.000-08:00

I'd like to start out by saying this: M. Night Shyamalan...please stop. Just...stop. Seriously. You haven't made a good movie since Signs so just stop trying before you become this generation's Ed Wood.

Now, on to my main point.

For Halloween, a bunch of friends and I wanted to rent a scary movie. Since our video stores don't carry many of the great classics (i.e. The Shining, Last House On the Left) we were forced to choose a new scary movie. Unfortunately someone, somewhere dropped the ball and we came home with The Happening.

I knew from the opening credits that it was going to be terrible. It was like, 15 minutes of nothing but clouds and names. If you're going to do an opening credit sequence, at least do something interesting! Like, Hard Candy-- that was a pretty cool opening sequence. From there it only went downhill. It was all blood and gore (badly CG'd blood and gore, I might add) and no solid plot, character development, or drama. And the whole reason behind "the happening" is confusing and frankly, stupid.

All I can say is thank God for Mark Wahlberg. The poor guy, he tries to carry the rest of the cast (that means you Zooey Deschanel, you moppet) as well as he can, but eventually get drug down with the rest of him. He manages to keep his head above the water for most of the movie.

Good ol' Mark Wahlberg: he's an Oscar-nominated actor and he can talk to animals. Say hello to your mother for us, Marky.

So I beg you people,

Please, for the love of sweet baby Jesus, DO NOT watch The Happening! It is a complete and utter waste of two hours of your life that you will never, ever get back! There are better, more entertaining things to do with your time! Plant a tree, watch The Office, pet your dog, hug your mom, read a book (as long as it's not Twilight), do ANYTHING other that watch this movie!

If you refute this warning, then a curse upon your head! For you were warned!

Reasons Why My Suite Mates Think I'm Insane

2008-11-05T18:55:00.000-08:00

1. I'm in my room right now watching Rocky Horror Picture Show and doing the audience participation alone. Nothing screams "clinically insane" like an 18 year-old girl yelling "That man has no f@%*ing neck" and "Slut!" at a television by herself.

2. I tend to go into random spasms of dancing. Just yesterday in fact I ran into Kasey's room, looked at her for a slight second and then started doing my patented "Whitest Girl Ever" dance. Then, I proceeded to giggle maniacally and run back into my room.

3. When I cook anything I have to hold it up and go "Om nom nom nom!!" in a loud and obnoxious voice. This tends to creep out my suite mates...except for Jess, who happens to think it's hilarious.

4. Random bouts of hyperactivity often portrays heavy drug use, or lack of proper medication. With me, it's neither. But my suite-mates don't know that, unfortunately. Yet another reason for them to think that I need a nice little jacket that helps me hug myself.

5. Finally, yelling out (in public, no less) "Hey girl, lemme pee in yo' butt!" to any and all my teammates when I see them is highly inappropriate and slightly crazy. It embarrasses them sometimes and this makes them think that I'm kinda loose in the head. Also, my exclamation of happiness is "What what in the butt!" which I don't think is common.

So yeah...sorry Kasey, Lisa, Jess, Johna, and Kassy...I swear I'm completely normal! Well...maybe I'm minorly crazy...only minorly...

Election 2008-- A New Beginning?

2008-11-05T11:10:00.000-08:00

Well, well, well...

Here we are. Another election past. Another defeat and another success. Barack Obama is now our next president, come January. And you know how I feel? The same way I've felt since the end of the Democratic primaries.

Nervous.

I myself was one of those people who thought that this year's election was the 3 for 3 in epic fails. 2000: Bush vs. Gore. 2004: Bush vs. Kerry (honestly people, was John Kerry the best we could come up with?!) 2008: McCain vs. Obama. I didn't like McCain or Obama. But I didn't strongly dislike them either. They both had their strong and weak points, but I felt as if the weak outweighed the strong. Example: John McCain-- experience political figure, strong ideas BUT he's Bush Jr. and he picked Sarah "VP Barbie" Palin for his running mate. Why oh, why? Barack Obama-- good speaker, strong leader BUT very little experience and voted absentee on most Senate bills. Not good, not trustworthy. As far as I'm concerned, both of them talked a lot and said very little.

So, as far as I'm concerned, this election was like choosing between two bowls of crap and the only difference between the two was the smell. (Thank you Lewis Black for giving me that graphic analogy!)

But on to my point: why I'm nervous.

This country is teetering on the slippery edge of depression. Jobs are being outsourced overseas (my own dad, a 20 year man, lost his job because of this,) the price of the dollar is plummeting, businesses are shutting down-- you get my point. And at this point, I'm not sure if it can be fixed by anyone. Neither Democrat nor Republican.

But hey, maybe I'm wrong. Barack's a smooth-talking guy with big ideas. Maybe he can get this country straight.

God, I hope so.

I mean, let's look at the positives: All three branches are now controlled by Democrats. With an African-American as president, other nations can no longer look at America as a "close-minded and racist nation." And hell, the guy might just be able to save us from depression.

My one biggest fear is that someone, somewhere might assassinate him. I hope and pray that no one is that stupid. All it would cause is utter, complete chaos. It would just cement the thought to every other country that America is a "racist nation" and I completely and wholly believe that it would cause this nation to erupt in a civil war. I know this sounds far-fetched, but I've always believed that the United States would fall, not as the result of an outside enemy, but because of civil conflict. Most great nations and empire go down that way. And withing 500 years of their conception. But that's just me being a paranoid conspiracy-theorist.

But back to the issue at hand:

The truth is that now all we can do is wait and see. Just sit back, put our hands behind our heads, and say "Okay, President Obama, whaddya got for us?" And we, as a nation, are gonna demand results fast. Not because he's "a black man" and not because he's a Democrat-- but because he is the nation's new leader. Period.

So, President Obama, I wish you none but the best! Good luck! Because I daresay that you're going to need it...as will we all...

What IN THE HELL is the deal with Twilight?

2008-11-04T18:57:00.000-08:00

Okay, it seems that nowadays you can't go anywhere without seeing something about Twilight. For example, every time I'm online I see hordes of Facebook Bumper Stickers proclaiming somebody's love for Edward Cullen. At Wal-Mart, while doing some grocery shopping there were the paperback novels stacked up next to the cash register. And even the other day, while napping peacefully in my dorm room, I recieved an e-mail on my Blackberry about pre-ordering the Twiligh Soundtrack from HotTopic.com. So my question is,

WHAT IN THE HELL IS THE BIG EFFIN' DEAL?

I've read the books people (well, by "books" I mean the first one and like, half the second one.) But I tried...I really did. But honestly folks, why the hell are all these girls (and by girls, that's also including some of the 21 year-olds I know who read them) getting hot and bothered by these books? I'm sorry Stephanie Meyer, but you are no J.K. Rowling-- even on your best day and her worst. Meyer's writing is mediocre at best.

This is my interpretation of a Twilight novel. Ahem...

Bella: "Oh my god, Edward Cullen is so hot. Oh, but I can't have him because he's a vampire. But he's sooooooo hot!"

Edward: "I'm a really hot vampire who could possibly snap one day and kill you. But what the hell, I'm-a be your boyfriend anyway. Did we establish the fact that I'm hot?"

Antagonist: "Hi. I'm a random antagonist. I'm most likely a vampire who also wants to eat the emo human chick, but apparantly the hot vampire's not havin' it."

Bella: "Oh no! Hot vampire Edward-- who is hot-- save me!"

Edward: "Okay! But can I do it...sexifully?"

Antagonist: "Damn man, you kicked my ass, got the girl, AND managed to look HOT while doing it! You rock!"

All: "EDWARD IS SO HOT!"

What the hell? That's basically it! We get it for chrissakes, the vampire is hot. Okay, awesome. How 'bout some character development for crying out loud? And no Stephanie Meyer, character development does not mean "she kisses him in this book, but in the next book the sleeps with him." Not character development. Not.

Okay, Meyer, so you're pretty good at coming up with cute little quips for our main characters to say. Big whoop, that doesn't make you a writer that makes you a creative smartass. Guess who else is a creatvie smartass? *points to herself* You don't see me making millions of dollars off of middle school girls and fat, lonely emo chicks do you?

So...honestly...someone tell me...what is the deal with the Twilight fascination? I'd like to be enlightened.